Too much laughter in sessions, how to navigate consulting with another therapist?

[Justmehere]

How do I tell my therapist I need to find an adjunct therapist and do some work with someone else for a short bit and then come back?

Because it’s come to that.

I don’t want to end with this therapist, she’s good at one area that I can’t find anyone else in my state to touch with a 10 foot pole. I want to keep working on that with her.

Problem: she laughs at me too much. Like full on belly laughs. I’m ending up saying, “please stop laughing, please stop I really mean, it please stop” at least once every other session for a few months now.

I’ve walked out of sessions because of the laughing. Multiple times. In tears. I’ve come back to apologies and being on track.

Humor is great, she’s been honest that validation is not her forte, and I laugh and crack jokes quite a bit. I’ve asked how can we turn off the humor, what do I need to change, she’s promised to change...

But it’s continuing, and I’m building up walls and resisting talking about trauma anymore. I’m getting really overly wary of anyone laughing at me and struggling pretty deeply out of sessions now. I’m having nightmares about this.

My perp laughing at me and people who engaged in publically humiliating me for not believing my report to police at first (perp confessed and is in prison now) is something that haunts me.

This isn’t the first therapist I’ve ended up in a place of repeatedly begging them to stop laughing at me (or about my trauma) when I’m trying to work through really deep pain and trauma. It’s not just this therapist. It is me.

My therapist just says she can’t help it.

Cool.

So I have to find someone who can help it. I don’t want to quit with this therapist, but I’m stuck. I’m getting really angry about this now - and is lasting all week between sessions.

If I shut down after the laughter I’m told I’m complicated and resistant. Maybe. I’m also feeling humilated.

I’m looking for a new therapist now, and don’t know if I should tell the current one. I’m striking out at finding anyone wanting to deal with my trauma history, but I’m sure I’ll find someone eventually.... I guess...

I don’t much think therapy will ever be a place of comfort in the midst pain for me. It’s been great for building skills and learning to endure painful feelings, and learning to be able to talk about the trauma and work some bits of it through.

Maybe taking an extended break from any treatment is best.

Maybe I’ve come to the end of the road of what can be achieved in therapy for me. Maybe that’s ok. I mean, I’ll save a lot of money...

I just don’t want my trauma to be laughed about anymore by people in the profession. Maybe in a few months I can endure that again to get to the helpful parts. I don’t know. I’m super rattled today. It’s 5 days after my session and every morning I wake up feeling so crappy about it. I just can’t do the laughter anymore. It hurts so much. She a wonderful therapist and has been so good for me in so many ways. I don’t know how to navigate this anymore. It’s now undoing me and that’s beginning to undo my life and cost quite a bit in losses from rattled days.

I don’t know what to do.

 

[Missycat]

Hey @Justmehere , ive had to read your post a few times as i couldnt quite believe what i was reading ! Your therapist laughs at you , whaaattt !! Not with you but at you? and that youve left the room and been in tears? Im sorry hun but you need a new therapist ... or at least a break from this one.
You say you crack jokes and use humour, she should be professional enough to know when its appropriate to laugh and when she shouldn’t laugh, the fact she apologises tells me she knows she doesnt know when its appropriate .
If she feels you use humour to hide behind then she could work with you in this rather than just laugh.
I am not surprised you are starting to feel angry as you shouldnt be put in this position.
If you like her and dont want to loose her she needs to be able to prove she can take on board your concerns and feedback.
I hope you are able to sort something.

 

[piratelady]

I'm shocked at your therapist. She needs to take responsibility for her reactions and control them. The laughter is completely inappropriate. I would simply explain it rather bluntly. Her inability to control her laughter is having a negative effect on you and so you will need to continue your work elsewhere for the time being. Perhaps your explaining to her that it has gotten to the point of you needing to walk away will help her see the implications of her actions. It's incredibly unprofessional of her considering the profession.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Justmenow,

It really doesn't sound like she is laughing at you. But laughing with you when you need be to heard and need to be encouraged to face reality feelings healing and rapport with another human being really caring about what happened to you is extremely damaging in my experience. Also had the laughing stuff amongst other comments.

It doesn't sound like she is the overly sensitive sort so I would hope and imagine that you taking a break to get what you need before hopefully continuing with her may be a opportunity for her to self examine and refocus. If not then going back can change and you can change your mind. Every time we think there is only one solution there is always more. Maybe not perfect solutions but possibly worakle ones.
After various stuff happening my new aim is : first and foremost do no further harm. For me personally only seeing my coping behaviour and not seeing my needs was doing further harm. Even though I denied that for a long time.

Iknow for me that a lot of my t's response was about what I put out but its not as if I didnt lead her into understanding that. I did what I could and clued her in as much as I could. Someone knowledgeable should be able to get past the persona and the coping mechanisms and help you get past them.It sounds like you have done all in your power to lead her down the garden path by her nose. If she cant or wont follow right now it isnt your fault. It is hers.

I ended up thinking that being honestly heard understood and acknowledged is as important as anything else. You are allowed to honestly evaluate the toll this is having on you.

Ps. One of the hardest things for me to work through was acknowledging and understanding I may need something different to which I had an affinity. The things I am naturally drawn to. Realising that brought up a lot of shame and aversion. Still havent quite reconciled that. May not apply to you of course but sharing in case.

 

[MyWillow]

It’s not you it’s her. Seriously. Maybe she’s got some sort of countertransference issue happening. Maybe she’s using it as a defense mechanism. But it is HER shit to manage NOT yours. I’m so sorry you’ve been invalidated. You deserve better.

 

[Justmehere]

Weirdly, this isn’t the first therapist that I have had to beg to stop. And it has never stopped.

 

[Abstract]

I know it isnt fair but maybe its time to think what you can do to help to avoid this. Ignore if not useful. I know I started looking at my all is Ok veneer. How strong is that in therapy? It should be up to them to deal with it but if its not happening its probably in your best interests to look at what you can change to help. That or choose somene totally different to your natural preferences. Something needs to change for you.

 

[piratelady]

I can't understand why that is. I mean, yes, I make jokes in therapy sometimes, and he laughs with me. But there is a line where he won't laugh anymore. I don't understand why you have therapists that can't find that balance. I mean, I don't think it's you or anything it just really baffles me. Maybe have a conversation with her about why she keeps laughing and tell her point blank how it makes you feel? Then if nothing else, she understands why you go elsewhere. Or you can learn what is causing it and adjust accordingly? Not that it's necessarily your responsibility to manage their responses. Sorry if I'm rambling a bit.

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah Abstract - it’s a lot like he experienced you are describing.

But laughing with you when you need be to heard and need to be encouraged to face reality feelings healing and rapport with another human being really caring about what happened to you is extremely damaging in my experience. Also had the laughing stuff amongst other comments.

Exactly.

Iknow for me that a lot of my t's response was about what I put out but its not as if I didnt lead her into understanding that. I did what I could and clued her in as much as I could.

Someone knowledgeable should be able to get past the persona and the coping mechanisms and help you get past them.

All of these things are true for me.

I told her I over-use humor and storytelling and analysis to cope. It’s sometimes helpful often avoidance in therapy. Help me get past it.

She says I come across put together and jovial. Yeah. I know. I’m trying to not be!

This week, it got to me, all week. The humiliation and frustration I feel is so huge, and it’s mostly about the past. My therapist chuckling at my coming across jovial is reasonable for someone who is not a therapist. Even for a therapist, eh, whatever.... it crosses the line when I say it’s over the line, please stop... and we don’t stop. She laughs and then I’m laughing half nervous half real laughter just at her laughing and then she goes on and on and I ask her to stop... then we try to go deeper into trauma and she says I’m resisting and like uh yeah. Stop laughing and I won’t resist so much. She keeps now focusing on the complexity of my resistance and I want to scream, this isn’t complex. I’m shut down because I feel ashamed because I get laughed about. Stop...

If I actually show emotion she tells me to regulate. So. How will I do that? Humor. Or leaving. Or... I don’t know. She’s pretty ok with a lot of emotion most of the time. I just struggle to show it.

Outside of therapy, it’s a great tool. It keep me from losing my mind and helps me stay chill. I guess?

I had to go to a crisis clinic and I was so clinical and calm in describing really deep pain and distress and coping badly, they laughed. Blew it off. My therapist gets that situation. She says I have to flip out a little more and talk stupid. Then they will be all over helping me. But they might help “too much and actually just retraumatize you.”

I’m not ok and regulated when I’m alone. This week I had to deal with a situation with a jerk at my insurance who knows my trauma history and cracks mean comments about it. (Yes I’ve reported it and even had them removed from contact or involvement in my case for awhile.)

I was super proud of myself for being more vulnerable in session than ever before this week and it stunned both my therapist and me. So I did it. For a brief time.

And now I’m soooo angry about the laughing. All week.

I don’t think I’m thinking clearly about this.

How to stop? I don’t know. Turning off the jovial feels like inviting harm? I’m grasping at straws.

Posting about this is slowing me down on a really bad night after a day where everything went wrong. But despite it all, my brain is so pissed at her.

Of all things. I think I’m in a realm of a lot of transference

she keeps laughing and tell her point blank how it makes you feel? Then if nothing else, she understands why you go elsewhere. Or you can learn what is causing it and adjust accordingly?

This is what I want. So much.

 

[MyWillow]

Yeah I do numb and avoid and dissociate and overwork and gloss over and change subjects. I’m seeing that it’s my psydoc’s responsibility to manage that. And it’s such a damned relief when they do it properly. She lets me avoid when I need relief but drip feeds as much as I can tolerate it. It’s a skill that requires a LOT of work for the therapist and a whack load of consultation in my opinion.

It is not your fault that you haven’t found someone competent to hold the therapeutic space for you. If you can handle an empathetic hug here’s one especially for you :hug:

 

[Rumors]

Is there any way you could make a pact that you won't use humor in therapy for a while? Perhaps if you tell her you don't want to joke about anything for the time being.

 

[Justmehere]

I sort of made everything worse. Yesterday was terrible and I got drunk (which I haven’t done in years) and I drunk texted and emailed my therapist.

I went off about how I’ve never seen a therapist that I didn’t have to beg to stop laughing and my shutting down as a result isn’t pathological, it isn’t a sign of complicated resistance, it is a normal response to feeling humiliated, and from now on, no being “jovial” after 10 minutes into sessions and on and on. And on.

I apologized and said I won’t be emailing or texting again.

I really needed to talk in person with her about this and not email. Ugh.