Rough Day Thread...

[EveHarrington]

So would you be feeling angry or ashamed after leaving someone hanging?

Again my experience is with pushing and not isolating, but yes, when I push and then “come out of it”, I’m usually VERY ashamed of my actions and much of the time it prevents me from reconnecting.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you should wait for him to make the next move.

Yes, good advice.

When I push, aka “go away but with a different MO”, the other person is usually farther along in the “let’s end this thing and tie up ALL loose ends” mindset when I just need some space.

 

[Pippi427]

Again my experience is with pushing and not isolating, but yes, when I push and then “come out of it”, I’m usually VERY ashamed of my actions and much of the time it prevents me from reconnecting.

Oh ok. What is meant by pushing? Like pushing someone's buttons or literally shoving them?

 

[Pippi427]

Yes, good advice.

So doubled good advice here. Strange...my best friend whose husband has combat PTSD and has met L (and liked him) actually wants to write him a letter. I told her not now.

She wants it to be a letter about how she's learned how PTSD causes dissociation but it also hurts the supporter but there are ways you can work on it. (She's worked on this with her husband for 5 years.) I honestly think she's just tired of watching me suffer and it's the only thing she can do. I told her not now and she's listening.

 

[LuckiLee]

Nope. Not a good idea.

 

[Pippi427]

It doesn’t feel right.

 

[EveHarrington]

Oh ok. What is meant by pushing? Like pushing someone's buttons or literally shoving them?

Oh sorry, it’s neither of those.

Pushing means I’m emotionally pushing people away. Instead of getting space by isolating (disappearing? ghosting?), I emotionally push people away with words in order to get the space I need.

Oh fck I did it again and yes it’s shame time. There’s no way I’m being forgiven for this push episode and I don’t want to deal with the aftermath of having to apologize (and feel more shame for my behavior), and because I know the other person is mad at me (how could he not be?), it’s easier to just pretend like nothing happened and go about my life. :-/

 

[Freida]

She wants it to be a letter about how she's learned how PTSD causes dissociation but it also hurts the supporter but there are ways you can work on it.

No. good god NO!!!!!!

here's how that would play out with me. I would turn on hubby and rip him apart for telling "others" that I was struggling and I was isolating and blah blah blah and then blame him for telling them to bombarded me with letters telling me I don't have my shit together and I need to get help. Then there would be a rampage about how friend thinks she can fix me and make his life easier and oh good grief I'm spiraling just thinking about it :laugh:

I'm sure she means well - but I'm gonna agree with @LuckiLee and go with no.

But she does get kudos for being a good friend who worries about you.

 

[Pippi427]

Don’t worry, she won’t. I broke down though because of her kindness and willingness to help. This is so frustrating.

I wake up every morning and fight tears because, yet again, he’s ignored me, but still playing on social media.

I’ve tried to make it safe to communicate, yet he ignores me. I can only assume he wants me to go away.

 

[Pippi427]

So I just saw my therapist. She is also a trauma specialist. She suggested one thing I can do is to attempt to take some control back into my life for my own sake. For example... let him know this is the last time I will ever reach out to him. Set my own boundary. Then it's living by my rules, but still leaving it open for him to regain contact if he gets through this mess in his own head.

On a clinical note, I must really, really be doing a bad job at hiding my state of well being. A nice lady at work walked up and mentioned that she needed medication when she went through her divorce. ? I just wanted to say, "Lady, I'm on three different medications and ain't none of them working now. My heart is just broken."

 

[PreciousChild]

Don’t worry, she won’t. I broke down though because of her kindness and willingness to help. This is so frustrating.

I wake up every morning and fight tears because, yet again, he’s ignored me, but still playing on social media.

I’ve tried to make it safe to communicate, yet he ignores me. I can only assume he wants me to go away.

My break up is still somewhat fresh, so I can understand the pain. I would think being ignored is even more painful and after all the care and love you've shown. You deserve better.

 

[Pippi427]

My break up is still somewhat fresh, so I can understand the pain. I would think being ignored is even more painful and after all the care and love you've shown. You deserve better.

I like to talk a little bit about that. I don't know if it is the new mix of meds or just how it feels this time around because we actually had a lot of time to get close...but I feel literally as if someone is standing on my chest with a poker. To let go would bring relief for a day or so while I fool myself that there's a better way out there, thoughts of him will creep back in. And then the eventual re-contact. This has happened twice before. Early on in the relationship, I just tried to move on after waiting a while. As soon as I found someone new to talk to, he would contact me again. Then my head would go all wonky again.

My friends have called this abuse. Maybe he's not intentionally raking my heart and soul over the coals, but it feels the same.