More active than passive

[FauxLiz]

@blackemerald1 I could reach out but honestly I am afraid they would report me for a welfare check and that would be far worse. I have been taking my benzos for the anxiety, larger dose than currently prescribed but still well below the max I have had in the past. It stinks and I hate this but honestly I don't know how much longer I can survive like this. Which I guess is the point of a welfare check but I don't think that if I went inpatient at this point I would have anything left to return to so it is right now a balancing act until I figure out if the help is worth the cost.

 

[blackemerald1]

Honestly, isn't there an anonymous help line you can call. Idk a helpline to do with the type of trauma you experienced? It doesn't have to be a suicide prevention service. A mental health service that mans a online chat service? Or someone you can ring?

You sound just like me. Terribly lonely and far from friends and family. :hug: And our circumstances similar in some ways.

I think it's good you are reaching out here. Keep doing that - we are here. We need you around too. :hug:

 

[FauxLiz]

Anonymous help lines are not that anonymous. If they believe you are at risk there are ways they can identify your location. Granted it isn't always easy but they can and I just won't risk it.

At times yes I am lonely I am not close any family but my kids and I don't burden them. I have a very limited support network of friends and they are all a long way away as well.

I caved last night and cut. I had been doing so well it had been six weeks to two months but I just needed some type of release and couldn't find anything that would work.

 

[Abstract]

Maybe you can accept your actions with a big heaped dose of self compassion. You deserve that. The thing with family though is that as much as you want to save them the alternative and you not being here is going to affect them way more than worrying about you.

Have you started seriously looking at a different therapist? Once before i was in a bad place and couldnt do anything so did a little online consulting with people and although imperfect it did help get me through. You really sound like you need more support. Sorry its so hard.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Abstract I have started looking, I am on the cancellation list for one that did not have any evening openings until December and have a request for initial consult in with another. I don't want to have too many being juggled at once as I don't want it to seem as though I am doctor shopping (even though none are prescribers) I just don't want my insurance to have any reason to limit treatment.

 

[Abstract]

Sounds like you are doing a great job @FauxLiz One step at a time. Not familair with how insurance works there.

 

[Abstract]

Wanted to add that in my experience feeling trapped and that I dont have options greatly increases SI.

 

[FauxLiz]

Update: so saw my current T tonight honestly didn't want to go but also knew it had been two weeks and waiting another week wasn't an option. I know it wasn't a good thing but dang it, and I could try and justify it but it would be a lie I abused my migraine rescue meds so I was buzzed when we met. It was actually a pretty good session and I was more honest with him about how I have been doing recently than I have been in recent and we had a very honest talk about hospitalization. Right now I am going to continue to try and "gut it out", and we will keep hospitalization voluntary or otherwise on the back burner. I have a lot of little trauma anniversaries last week and this week and we are about three weeks from a Trauma anniversary which is all part of what I call my annual 5 months of HELL.

I will try and stay in touch but lately I am find more and more a need to disconnect from the internet so I will take things as they come.

 

[Friday]

If they believe you are at risk there are ways they can identify your location. Granted it isn't always easy but they can and I just won't risk it.

I’ve been avoiding a stalker with Admin access to our mobile system for the past several years (IE total access & no warrants, wheee :wtf: ). If you really want to make a call that cannot be traced, it’s a pain in the ass, but can be done. A few different ways.

It’s much easier if someone is actually going through official channels (ie the police) who have limited resources, and stumbling blocks (like judges who have to sign off on warrants). A potential suicide? Doesn’t reach the levels necessary to have police do more than a cursory check. So all you have to do is blow a little bit of chaff, and you reach the upper limit of what they’re willing, legally allowed, (and budgeted) to do. Very quickly.

Meaning it could be as simple as a burner phone, paid for in cash, with the local (to where you’re calling from) area code, used in a densely populated area.

Even the easy method is a hassle, but it gives you an option of support that is currently unavailable to you.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Friday I appreciate the advice it is the

used in a densely populated area

that is an issue. My area is densely populated alright, with deer, squirrels, dairy cows, fields and fields of cherry and apple trees and more fields of pretty much every berry know and popularly eaten. People on the other hand not so much. I would have to take that burner phone and visit one of the migrant worker camps so it wouldn't stick out but I would stick out. There is less than 30,000 plp in our county of 1,300 sq miles.

 

[Abstract]

I will try and stay in touch but lately I am find more and more a need to disconnect from the internet so I will take things as they come.

I hope you manage to stay connected. :)