Death My mum died last night

[Abstract]

I'm very glad you were spared that. No wonder it is traumatic for you. I also think from observation that we come to these situations from a different place when we have past trauma on board already. So sorry your family had to deal with that. My mother had a similar situation with my father but was by herself and if it helps at all to know, she was fine after a bit. No long lasting effects whatsoever. Hope thats the same for your family. Different people different situations different pasts of course. Glad you are talking about it.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks. I know there’s no point in comparing or feeling guilty...I just feel so bad they they had to witness/experience it. While I just had to have a phone call. Which is easily the worst phone call I’ve ever received - and I imagine also the worst my dad has ever had to make. So, it’s not like that was nothing.
But...

It just feels so strange not to have a Mum anymore....

I’m still feeling run down and achey. I always get ulcers on the back of my throat when I’m run down and I have a load of them now. Plus, I noticed I had cuts in my mouth - inside my cheeks and in my gums - and I don’t know where they have come from. They’re painful. I started fiddling around with them and then got completely engrossed in it and then couldn’t stop. So, I’ve made painful things feel even more painful.
I used to cuts my gums quite often - cut them and apply loads of pressure to them so that they would hurt and bleed. It became a habit. I hardly ever do it now but now I’ve done it again. It’s hard to stop even though it really hurts. Inside my mouth just feels like one massive bruise now. But I feel so compelled to keep going at it, even though I’m disappointed in myself and think it’s disgusting.

 

[Abstract]

You sound like you are understandably in shock and struggling to cope. Calls like that are horrific. A shock to receive.

Do you think the initial cuts in your mouth now where from teeth grinding? You deserve to be kind and gentle with yourself.This is one of the most horrible effects of trauma. Turning on ourselves when we need kindness.

 

[barefoot]

@Abstract I think I’ve been thinking that I’ve been coping quite well...but feeling the compulsion to hurt my mouth again...maybe you’re right and I’m not really doing so well...

I haven’t got much work on at the moment. On the one hand, that’s a pity because it might be good to have a focus on work and a busy diary. On the other, I have a lot of time and therefore ample time/opportunity to be looking after myself, resting up and practising some self care. I just don’t seem to know what to do on that front at the moment...the time just seems to be passing but I don’t really know what I’ve done with myself all day most of the time.

I’m not sure what’s caused the abrasions inside my mouth. But I don’t think I’m a grinder.

The ones inside my cheek are a bit like when you accidentally bite yourself while eating. But I don’t remember doing that. The ones lower down, between my cheek and gum, I’m not sure. I guess it’s possible that those could be burns? Don’t remember burning myself either!
My half through wisdom tooth is also cutting a bit at the mo - it’s never going to come through completely now, this is as far as it gets but, every now and then, it’s like it has a little wiggle around and cuts a bit, feels very bruised and then settles down again. Perhaps it’s to do with that making my whole mouth inflamed and sensitive and sore/painful? I don’t know....just feel like an idiot for now having made it feel even worse ?

 

[littleoc]

You’re not an idiot, though. There’s so much going on. :hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

I think you being much to hard on yourself @barefoot.

However your mouth was injured... it's still not your fault!!

Can you get a very weak solution of salt water and rinse your mouth out a few times a day? That should help to keep it clean, reduce the inflammation and heal it.

I think you are very run down at the moment and mouth ulcers are a clear signal of that. So please take this break in your work schedule to just be in the moment. I know it sounds corny but its the best thing to do. Acceptance of oneself right now is extremely hard. You seem to be trying to disregard your own humanity or at least minimising it.

You really have suffered a once in a life time event. And it's one we all must face or have faced. Practice some self-compassion and self-acceptance - it will help you. :hug:

 

[Abstract]

You know what? Its totally understandable that you are struggling. You are so not an idiot.

Have a think if you could be grinding or clenching in your sleep as that can cause what you are describing. The pressure can make everything ache and cause injuries. Can you get a mouthwash? Good luck with t.

 

[barefoot]

I suppose it’s possible that I have been clenching/grinding in my sleep...it’s not something I usually do but, lately, I do keep waking up with a start several times throughout the night and feeling full of adrenalin. So, perhaps my body is tense while I’m sleeping too?

Picked up my new dental device (for sleep apnoea) yesterday so will try that out in a few days time, once I’ve got the rest of what I’ve done to calm down. So, if there is any grinding going on, I guess that will stop it?

@blackemerald1 you may be right...I’m not very good at self-acceptance/self-compassion at the best of times and I’m finding it particularly difficult at the moment.
I don’t even know where to begin with it at this point, really.


I’m learning how so many people are so odd when someone dies. They say odd things and behave in odd ways. I had to pass on a new work project because the date of the first workshop was the week after my mum passed away, so I was still with my dad and sister making funeral arrangements etc and I just didn’t have the headspace to do the work I needed to do to get fully prepared for the delivery. So, I gave my apologies and they were very lovely about it and completely understanding. Today, I emailed to say I hope the workshops were going well and that I’m back into the swing of work so to please keep me in mind for upcoming dates. Her reply:
Are you alright already then? Because that seems very quick.

Nothing like someone getting judgey because they don’t think you’re grieving right!

I don’t know what to say to that so don’t think I’ll say anything. Am tempted to tell her to stick her workshops, tbh. But, unfortunately, I could really do with the money...

 

[blackemerald1]

I don’t even know where to begin with it at this point, really.

^^Begin with accepting you are grieving and all of the feelings you are having are normal and will take you a long while to work through. Don't force yourself. You are not dancing to anyone else's drum's here.

Are you alright already then? Because that seems very quick.

I don’t know what to say to that so don’t think I’ll say anything.

I would shoot back an email and thank her for the concern and you are alright and still looking forward to the next w/shop. That way she will know that you are serious about returning to work. She might tell other people that you are back on deck when next needed and the subject of 'when is it okay to return after....' will be taken off the table.

People do say really dumb things all the time and getting judgy remarks isn't helpful but she probably thought she was saying the right thing? If people don't have any idea they usually do put BOTH their feet in IT. I'm sorry - returning to work should be a relief in many ways and I hope it is by the time something comes up.

 

[barefoot]

@blackemerald1 - when I first told her what had happened and that, therefore, I wouldn’t be able to run the workshop as planned, she sent me a long, rather emotional email back about how awful it was for her when she lost her mother, how it left - and still leaves - a gaping hole in her life and how she just stayed in bed in a foetal position for weeks. So, I think she is doing what I’ve discovered lots of people do - projecting her experience into me. So, because she really struggled and wasn’t functional for however many weeks/months, she has decided that’s “normal” and that that’s therefore what I “should” be doing. There’s no ill intent, I know. It’s just...jeez...who do you think you are to judge me and my grief and my process, lady?! You know? Also, she freely admits that her husband is very, very rich and she has never needed to work...so I guess it was fine financially if she decided to take months off work during a difficult time. I don’t - like a lot of people - have the luxury of being able to afford cancelling the rest of my life inc my entire working life while I grieve!

 

[blackemerald1]

who do you think you are to judge me and my grief and my process, lady?! You know?

^^Exactly - she sounds like she's a day time soap opera on speed.

I don't know of anyone that can stop the world and go and hibernate like she did either. So you are not alone barefoot! lol

You are a good demonstration that everyone grieves differently and it's a incredibly personal experience. :hug:

 

[barefoot]

I didn’t know how long to keep the sympathy cards up that I’d been sent.

Most occasions, I’d keep cards up on display for a week - two at a push.

This has now been six weeks. So it felt like I should take them down because, if I left them up, how much longer was I going to leave them up for? So, I took them down but then felt guilty about it. I’ve put them in a folder and put them in a drawer in the spare bedroom.

A couple of hours later, I was tidying my desk and filing some odds and sods. I came across a mother’s day card that I bought this year, then lost, so I had to buy and send another one. It was a really nice one. She’d have really liked it.

I didn’t know what to do with it, so I sat holding it for ages and then finally put it in the folder with the sympathy cards.

Having a bit of a cry because it suddenly feels really hard tonight.