My stress cup overfloweth

[whiteraven]

So, I'm doing CPT with my therapist. I hate it for a few different reasons, but am sure it will be beneficial down the road. Just my 3rd week and a TON of stuff is starting to surface, which makes it seriously hard during the week. Sometimes, I feel like I can't control my reactions to things at all - I don't just cry; I sob (and have trouble stopping). I don't just get annoyed, I get very angry and tend to sit on it, which makes the depression so much worse. I have trouble when a "normal" stressor occurs. And it's so exhausting.

I was on my way home from an appointment where I didn't get everything said that needed to be - intense stresses all week, including a near wreck that followed a lot of suicidal thinking - and the traffic was heavy. Backed up for miles. I thought it was the construction, but turned out it was an accident involving a semi. Movement was 2-3mi per hour, if that. I was sitting in the center of the traffic when my car started to jerk. It's done that before. Makes all kind of disagreeable noises and drives roughly, but according to everybody, it's fine and I should just turn up the radio so I can't hear it (yes, they actually said that).

Couple minutes later and it just shut down. Couldn't get it started. I ended up calling 911 and, through uncontrollable sobs, explained the situation. A police officer arrived maybe 15 min later (couldn't get through the traffic) and helped me get the car to the shoulder. He was super nice, actually.

I called AAA (roadside service) and they came about an hour later and towed my car. I had to go to the bathroom sooo bad. I didn't say anything to the guy, but he asked if I needed to use the bathroom and offered to stop somewhere for me. (!!!) Dropped my car off and he also offered to bring me home.

I'm ok now (well...you know), but very sore (I think because I was so tense) and exhausted. Waiting to hear about the car, had to cancel two appointments (I was supposed to see two new doctors this week. Sometimes it feels like whenever I try to do something that will move me forward, the universe steps in and knocks me off my feet).

Oh, and did I mention I am on vacation?

 

[Powder]

Yeah, that's the PTSD talking, for sure. You're right about it being too much stress for sufferers. Too many appointments is always tough. I try to keep those to one per day so that if anything goes wrong, it's just one thing to cancel or reschedule. Not always possible, but a goal that has worked for me. I'm glad you are safe.

 

[whiteraven]

Thank you, @Muse.

I feel kind of stupid now. I just heard from the auto place that they found a clamp that had slipped on a vacuum line and that is what shut the car down. They replaced it and it's running now. Very glad about that - is not gong to be expensive - but my reaction feels way over the top (even more than normal for me). Of course I didn't know what it was and my upset wasn't even really about the what but more about the fact that it happened. And how because it happened, I had to cancel things that took me a long time to set up in the first place.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I’m sorry everything was so stressful!

Just as a word of warning - be careful with CPT. It was designed for people with “simple” PTSD (quotes because I don’t want to minimize what anyone feels) not CPTSD and certainly not people with DID.
CPT almost killed me - the associated stress actually caused me to make an attempt on my life. I hope that isn’t your case.

 

[whiteraven]

Just as a word of warning - be careful with CPT. It was designed for people with “simple” PTSD (quotes because I don’t want to minimize what anyone feels) not CPTSD and certainly not people with DID.
CPT almost killed me - the associated stress actually caused me to make an attempt on my life. I hope that isn’t your case.

Thanks, @theshadowoftheliving - I'm sorry you had such difficulty with CPT. I'm being very cautious - my therapist wrote a book with and is friends with one of the developers of this therapy and consults with her on a weekly basis. He already knows how I feel about it, and today we talked about how so much seems to be being activated since we started it. He is very open to setting stuff aside for a time (or stopping it altogether) if need be.

One of my biggest issues right now is getting between appointments. It's so hard.

 

[shimmerz]

I'm just really impressed you had so many helpful people when the chips were down. I know it was a difficult day and am really sorry to hear that but man, having people to help you through and even suggest a pee stop for you? That doesn't happen in my PTSD world. Kudos to you on bringing out the best in people even through all that!

Also, I have no idea what CPT is. Care to share?

 

[whiteraven]

I'm just really impressed you had so many helpful people when the chips were down. I know it was a difficult day and am really sorry to hear that but man, having people to help you through and even suggest a pee stop for you? That doesn't happen in my PTSD world. Kudos to you on bringing out the best in people even through all that!

Also, I have no idea what CPT is. Care to share?

I was totally blown away by that offer...what's really funny is that peeing was ALL I could think about. I didn't mention it to him cause...well, you know...but he offered, out of the blue!

CPT is cognitive processing therapy. Right now we're exploring how feelings typically follow and are influenced by thoughts and identifying "stuck points," which are those things we say to ourselves that keep us stuck where we are - example, "I'm a failure," "nobody can be trusted."

 

[whiteraven]

I've been thinking a lot about the stress cup and how there should be some sort of saucer underneath to catch the overflow. Otherwise, it seems to just go out into the world, uncontained, and get everything and everyone wet.

Monday I take my car in for the 4th time in about as many weeks. I discovered a problem this morning that I think is directly related to the last one they "fixed." I'm worried I'll break down again. I always handle it, but usually in big, ugly tears that will not go away. That's the way most everything is these days. I do think I'm dealing with a lot and that anyone in my shoes, whether they were depressed or had PTSD or not, would struggle. With the constant car issues, chronic overall pain which is worse than it's ever been, acute pain in my knee that makes doing just about everything impossible, the bully at work, and no therapy, I am struggling just to get through each day. My reactions are probably "normal" for someone like me under repeated stress, but I can't take too much more of the breaking-into-sobs or angry outbursts.