Am I being rash to break off a potential relationship before it gets started?

[PreciousChild]

I've went out about 4 times with a man. We both are interested in each other and he expressed maybe taking it to the next level. He seems nice, but I have only one concern that I'd like feedback about. His father wasn't around at all in his childhood. When you ask him about it, he says that he doesn't feel angry at him at all, and that they get along really well now. But last night he told me that he made his son cry because he got so angry that he snatched his phone away and nearly broke it in two. This man chalks it up to his being "hard on his kids" for their sakes.

He doesn't show it, but it would make total sense to me that he has split off anger. I think that he may have anger issues. My dad would rage at us kids, and then blame us for it. My ex had a lot of split off rage from the way his dad treated him and tried to hide it for a long time. But towards the end of our relationship, he was constantly going into rages and he never took ownership of it because he had to be perfect and good. If he got mad, it was everyone else's fault.

In any case, I'm worried that I'm falling into a pattern again. But this new guy seems nice, is a gentleman, and has a lot of good qualities. But though it's just speculation at this point, it would be bad to start developing feelings for someone who is a rage monster. I should probably let him down and walk away. Do you agree?

 

[somerandomguy]

You don't owe anyone your time. You don't owe anyone anything. You can break it off with him for any reason, or for no reason.

If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe with him, or dislike how he treats his kids, I would say those are great reasons to stop seeing him right away.

 

[PreciousChild]

I actually don't feel uncomfortable around him and do not get any bad intuition about him. I also want a partner, and he seems in many ways like he would be a good one. It would be hard for me to walk away, and want to make sure I've thought about it sufficiently. Do I walk away after the one story about him getting angry at his kid? Does that tell me enough about him?

 

[Deleted member 47099]

People splitting off their emotions is a big red flag for me.

Split off emotions feel really unhealthy to me.

If it were me, I'd actually be speaking to this guy about the incident to see how he reacts.

If his reaction is weird (ie him justifying it or saying it's nothing) that would confirm to me that it's spilt off anger.

And of course someone's nice side is going to seem all the more nice, if they've completely split off the negative stuff.

So feeling really comfortable isn't necessarily a good sign. It could be a sign of "ooh it's so nice to be in an anger-free zone" which of course is due to the anger being split off.

Dunno. Just guessing.

But I wouldn't ignore it. I'd either follow it up to find out what's going on or steer clear of the potential relationship.

 

[Abstract]

Just my take and I may not be understanding all that has happened but I wonder if this is potentially mostly projection transferance at this point.
It sounds like you have no instinctual warning bells going off
Havent yet seen any rage or unhelpful behaviour happening yourself

Not feeling anger at the father at all is an issue and is obviously not ideal. To my mind it depends on how much of an impact that has had on him and how. Everyone is a little mixed up in some way or maybe I am just cynical. Have you seen him with his cheildren

Have you seen him being assertive? Have you seen him express that he is angry at anyone or any situation. Have you met his social group.

I agree that discussing something uncomfortable with him may be a good experiment to do with him.

 

[EveHarrington]

EVERY abuser has a nice side. This is how they rope people in. You CANT judge someone solely by the fact that he is a nice gentleman. So was Ted Bundy and we all know how all of his “relationships” ended up! You see this red flag in the honeymoon period, and it’s most likely just the tip of the iceberg. Given your history, I’d break it off.

Why do you need to be in another relationship so fast? Maybe a big part of the problem is that you don’t take time to be single and figure out what you really want in life, you don’t take the time to heal.

 

[Ronin]

Was it just anger and an isolated incident, or is he condescending or abusive toward anyone or a group of people in mindset more regularly?

How did he deal with that son incident after, in treating that kid and his own reaction?

I would get things that are foundational and about how he treats people sorted before moving any changes in the relationship. But that is not saying Quick, break it off. Nor Oh, but he might be a nice one. It is just saying, get more information, if you feel like going after it.

 

[Friday]

His father wasn't around at all in his childhood. When you ask him about it, he says that he doesn't feel angry at him at all, and that they get along really well now.

Wouldn’t phase me in the slightest. I’ve known a lot of people who were raised by a single parent, or parent & step parent, or even a married stay-at-home-parent nearly never seeing their (usually Dad, in one case, mom) who worked crazy hours, or overseas in order to support them... who as adults get on famously with the parent who wasn’t there during their childhood. Sometimes their raised-me parent & absent parent? Also get along famously. Other times they hate each other’s guts (and that’s why they didn’t share custody). And a lot of other variations.

Families? Are complicated.

But last night he told me that he made his son cry because he got so angry that he snatched his phone away and nearly broke it in two. This man chalks it up to his being "hard on his kids" for their sakes.

This, I’d take note of. Not necessarily in a bad way. Because he got that angry and a) didn’t take it out on his kids b) didn’t break the phone. Getting angry? Is pretty normal. Talking about being angry? Also very solidly in the normal range (parents talk to each other about getting mad at their kids)... aaaaand a helluva lot better sign than hidin it, glorifying it, or snickering about it. My focus generally goes to a) how did they talk about it & b) what the results were (did he lash out uncontrollably at his kids? Did he break their things? No? Not a red flag, then). Simply talking about being angry isn’t enough to make me nervous. Although never talking about being angry, or screwing up? Definitely is. 4 dates in I wouldn’t be concerned about not hearing the screwups, but I’d wonder. I wouldn’t necessarily consider crying kids a screwup, though. Sometimes? You aim for tears. Sometimes? They’re just upset & being kids being upset & free to express that (because they’re NOT afraid to cry, or throw a tantrum, but are being taught self control much slower & more gradually than abuse does).

He doesn't show it, but it would make total sense to me that he has split off anger.

Massive mindreading (OMFG... autocorrect changed mindreading to >>> I’m dreading <<< talk about couldn’t be more appropriate!) here.

You’ve jumped from he has a GOOD relationship with his dad, to imagining an entire backstory AND diagnosis to fit the imaginary back story.

Hon? Meant kindly... ask him.

You’re filling in the blanks with all kinds of worst case scenario big bad terrible things.

And have jumped from “so angry he wanted to break the phone in half” to split off anger, raging at the kids and blaming you/them for it, your ex’s anger....

...I’m hearing tons of YOUR story, and tons of your EX’S story, making up what you imagine this man’s story to be.

He’s his own unique person. Not you. Not your dad. Not your ex.

Now, for all I know he could be a total asshole and you’re well rid of him. But it would be nice to break up with someone because THEY are the asshole, instead of your dad and ex were assholes.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yes -you are being rash to break off a potential relationship before it gets started. :hug:

After fourteen, 24 dates - depending on how often they are - you will begin to see his character. Right now everything ^^@Friday said.

Where is the rush? Take your time and enjoy it. Watch and listen and all of your questions will be answered.

It may just fizzle out for numerous other reasons or you might just not like him much after you see a little bit more of him... Much less regard him as a potential partner. This does happen.. Please try and remember you always get to choose...

 

[EveHarrington]

Uhm, I’m not buying that “nearly broke the phone” is worlds better than “actually broke the phone”.

It could just be a stroke of luck.

I mean I can throw my phone in anger and it’s all just a total crapshoot as to whether it breaks or not, hitting on a protected surface vs an exposed surface. It has NOTHING to do with self control.

OP I had an ex who was similar. Dad gone his entire childhood and had major anger issues, but relationship with dad was now “fine”. Just because he says he has a good relationship with his dad now doesn’t mean all is fine. You don’t grow up without a dad (ie in/out of his life) and end up “just fine”. There is some baggage there, somewhere.

I also don’t see this as a rash decision. You see something you don’t like, so it’s ok to walk away. You don’t have to invest years of your life getting to know someone before it’s “ok” to walk away.

 

[Ronin]

I’m not buying that “nearly broke the phone” is worlds better than “actually broke the phone”.

That was not the point though, it was that he was not aiming at breaking the phone to punish the kid, and did not go for abusing the kid, taking his would be anger out on him.

Not about the phone, but about how it is used to break a person.

 

[Abstract]

I could be misunderstanding but understood that he snatched it away and nearly broke it. There wasnt any talk of throwing it purposely or it even dropping, ? Personally I'm a little cautious about guessing what something looks like without witnessing it or knowing more information as I know I am vigilant about intense expressed anger. To me the way the incident is described it could look a lot of different ways. I also dont know the context for the snatching or the nature of the crying of the child.

telling you after only 4 dates could also be a few different things. He is Ok talking about anger. He is aggressive and unable to see that he is and isnt ashamed of it. He ran into the topic without meaning to discuss it.

Not saying you dont have the above info Preciouschild. Just that I dont have it.

Regardless of what or why you need to be comfortable so always go with that,