Was my therapist now my best friend

[Abstract]

I know its probably not useful to you but I am so angry with her for you. Hopefully you will have that rightful anger yourself as you go along. She needs you to be dependent on her for her to feel worthwhile. She should not be treating anyone.

Well done for addressing this in therapy. That takes courage too.

What is that saying- with friend like that who needs enemies? Comes to mind.

 

[Nessa7]

You've mentioned being in abusive relationships before? Is there anything that you can take from those experiences to give yourself more ideas as to how to get out of this one?

I think it might help to post here more about the steps you have taken in establishing boundaries. At least here, it seems like more of your energy is going into thinking about the negative and painful things. If you keep falling into the habit of talking and thinking about being weak, it is going to make it so much harder to be strong. If you go for a period of time without contacting her or if you tell her no, tell us so that we can celebrate for you even if you don't feel like celebrating yourself. When you do these things, you should get to feel proud.

 

[Bird33]

@Abstract thank you. I wish I was angry but I guess I still sometimes wonder if this is wrong and toxic. I know everyone is saying yes it is and I know it’s crazy but I question myself and still question if it is bad. I know, ugh.

@Nessa7 I was in a couple of physically abusive relationships when I was a teenager. I got out of one to go right into another one. The second one I got out of because I started dating my husband.

Yes I could talk about the boundaries I’m setting here. That would be helpful to see my progress bc I just feel like it is so slow.
I only text her if she texts me first. I used to text her all the time. I also talk to myself constantly telling myself that I don’t need her and I will be okay. I still always pay and recently helped her paint and fix up her new office, spending lots of time doing that. I would like to stop paying all the time and not feel guilty for it.

 

[hithere]

I have not read all the thread. My apologies (my head hurts and I can't read). I wanted to respond because this relationship you are in mirrors in many ways the abusive relationships I have been in over and over again; and one of them is a main "trauma" issue I can't seem to really talk about in therapy. You say you are " Struggling to see to how it is wrong, knowing on some level it is wrong, feeling the pain that the relationship causes." I really feel for you.

Can you talk to your husband about this situation and ask what he has observed and what his feelings are about it? He may be a source of true friendship and strength as you pull away completely. Any relationship that leaves me feeling like I can't live without that relationship has red flags for me now. This is how all my abusive relationships were-I felt I could not live without the very person who was playing cat and mouse with--a tactic pimps use with great skill. It's actually at it's very basic level masochism and sadism.

 

[Bird33]

@hithere I’m sorry to hear you have had similar experiences. Can you explain what you mean by cat and mouse. Sometimes I question if something is manipulative. I have a hard time trusting my instincts.
I have told my husband, when things were really bad last year and she wanted to change the relationship. He saw how desperate i was because I was so distraught at the time. He is leary of the relationship and does not like her. But now that things are back the way they were before, I don’t tell him much. I’m afraid he will push me to stop seeing her and also I worry he will look at me differently. I was really so pathetic at the time and it was really humiliating.

 

[littleoc]

I understand the pathetic feeling. I felt that way right after I broke up with an abusive girlfriend -- I mentioned that earlier in the thread but it's been several months :)

I don't think you're pathetic, and if you told me what you just said I'd reassure you that I don't see you differently. It's a really hard situation. Didn't he want to help you before?

:hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

You sound like a relationship bouncer as you just jump from one unhealthy relationship to the next (and finally on to your husband). Unfortunately it seems like this “savior” dynamic is playing out now, too, as you can’t get out of the relationship for your own sake and you don’t have a new friend with a stronger magnetic pull that can save you from this therapist/friend from hell. I think that until you learn to stand on your own two feet that you are never going to be a strong independent person. I’m gathering this as you’ve never been a single adult (or atmost have minimal time as a single adult, all around the age of 18?) and you’ve always used other people to rescue you from a bad situation. You may not get a white knight rescuer this time, but if you do, just know that he/she may actually be worse than what you’re running from. This is why it’s imperative that you finally learn to stand on your own two feet.

 

[Bird33]

@littleoc Thank you. It feels good to know someone understands. It is such a complicated relationship, I’m glad you were able to get out of your relationship.
My husband wanted to help,he was just really angry with her and that didn’t really help me.
@EveHarrington I don’t think I’m a relationship bouncer. Those abusive relationships were when I was 16 and 19. I had just told my family about that sexual abuse that had been going on for 14 years. I was a mess and I am not sure what I was doing. I have been married for 25 years in a healthy relationship. I have several friends that I have been friends with for just as long. I have never had a relationship like this one since those abusive ones in my teens. All my other relationships are very healthy and good relationships. I think that it’s transference because it happened when I was in therapy with her and it was so strong then and has continued. I just am not sure how to break the transference. I have read so much about it but there is nothing that tells you how to break the spell of transference.

 

[Nessa7]

I'm really glad to hear that you are texting her less. That's a really great step. Maybe a good next step is to try and wait a little bit longer each time to respond. You would be able to test your belief that something terrible would happen without her in your life in a small and controlled manner. You could start out by typing your response then wait a set number of minutes before sending it.

One thing that you can do to work on breaking transference is to make a list of the ways that your ex-t is not the ideal mother figure that your brain wants to turn her into.

You mentioned that you always pay. How long have things been that way? Were they like that when you traveled together?

 

[Justmehere]

I have read so much about it but there is nothing that tells you how to break the spell of transference.

Actually, a lot of people on this thread have given input on how to get out of unhealthy transference and I believe your current therapist has made sound suggestions as well. The thing is: it will be painful for a time, and you have to be ready and willing to go through that.

Which at this point, you either have the discomfort and pain of staying or the discomfort and pain of saying no and leaving.

One option leads to eventual freedom and healing.

It’s up to you which path you choose. Don’t fall into the trap of trauma of the past by believing you are helpless now and in need of this friend/therapist to save you. You have tremendous choice and power now.

 

[hithere]

again I haven't read this whole thread. However, my opinion, (and take it for what it's worth) is that viewing this from the model of love addiction (which I think it's related to trauma bonding from csa not getting worked through). The way of health to get out of addiction is suffer withdrawal. Aspects of the relationship give a "high" and then separation causes the low of the addiction, so then the need to get the "fix" from the relationship again. With all addictions withdrawal is the first step, and the most painful. Some choose to withdrawal slowly. Others find that cold turkey is the best way. Withdrawal is only for a period of time and it is painful and filled with grief and deep cravings and physical pain. Lots of tears and crying. Once withdrawal starts to subside, then some behaviors need in place to help with the desires to go back to the object of addiction.

For me (I've gone through this a few times--slow learner here!) I concentrate on a bible verse: as the dog returns to its own vomit, so the fool returns to his folly. I'm ok calling myself a fool, because that is what is for me. Foolish. It gains nothing. It does not bring life or true love. This is just me, so take it for what it is worth.

the red flag for me that I'm starting into a a trauma bond relationship is that feeling that I can't live without the relationship, but I know on some level it isn't right. The suffering is hard. Also I did indeed have a therapy relationship with an unhealthy transference and the therapist crossed boundaries and I was so confused and didn't know what is right or wrong or what was happening to me. The same model of addiction was used by me to get out of the relationship. I failed many times after I went through withdrawal and called that unhealthy t, but eventually I won out and did not return forever! The victory of freedom feels way better than the slavery of that relationship.

I really feel for you. You are in a tough spot. and you are facing very difficult things. I just hope you know it is not your fault or anything that you did or about who you are. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your friends and husband. So perhaps you could bring one of them into this journey to support and love you in addition to your new t. Of course, that person needs chosen so carefully to be a true support, they can't be invasive or try to tell you how you should feel or behave. hugs. I hope what I've written is not harmful. I write on this forum a lot and I'm always afraid I might say something harmful. So please take care.

 

[Bird33]

@Nessa7 Thank you. I have been texting less and I do try not to always have my phone and also to respond slower. I am doing those things. That is a good idea to write those things down about my ex therapist. That could help.
I have been paying for a while, but that’s my own fault. She says she is tight and we are doing well and have the money so I always pay.

@Justmehere you are correct, it is up to me. I wish I could say I just want to break it off and just do it. Part of me knows it’s unhealthy and part of me likes the relationship. I feel very confused emotionally.

@hithere you are exactly right, I want to break away then the feeling of needing the relationship again. I’m happy to hear you were able to break free from the unhealthy relationship with your therapist. Did you part of you want the relationship and part know it wasn’t healthy?

What you are telling me is very helpful not at all harmful. I can tell you truly understand. I am happy to hear any ideas.