Seeking insight on coming out of Isolation

[Moonchild 72]

If you havent seen it yet -- here's a thread I started ages ago. Lots of good input from both sides about the craziness of ptsd ...
What are they thinking

I have read through that entire thread several times now. Thank you for starting it because it has been a great help! I do have a much better understanding of what may be going on with a sufferer internally during a symptomatic period. But I'm still unable to fully grasp and navigate what's happening specifically after an episode of isolation. Maybe it's just that my logical mind still can't comprehend the fact that after being completely shut out for days/weeks a sufferer reemerges as if nothing happened and comes back ready to continue the relationship. More so when prior to shut down in the relationship things were seemingly great and I say that because I know now that a lot of what I may have seen was a facade and probably a struggle to "fake it" for the sake of the relationship? I still love my boyfriend and I want to continue to be here to support him should he choose to come back back, but if I'm being completely honest, without any communication I now feel a disconnect both emotionally and physically (I think this would hold true in any relationship). I'm terrified that in the end he will decide to just walk away and I know I'll have come to terms and accept that. On the other hand if he does return, I feel like we would have to almost start and rebuild the relationship slowly and it doesn't help knowing that a sufferer can come out of it not realizing this and think that they were being ignored by the supporter (so difficult to grasp as a supporter). When there is absolutely no contact it's hard to gauge whether or not it's beneficial to just continue with absolutely no contact or check in on his well being here and there. It seems so unfair for all involved. ?

 

[Freida]

Maybe it's just that my logical mind still can't comprehend the fact that after being completely shut out for days/weeks a sufferer reemerges as if nothing happened and comes back ready to continue the relationship

If it helps at all - now that I'm looking back at my own behaviors I'm kind of baffled too. It really feels like a light switch has been flipped back on and suddenly I'm back in the world. Maybe it's like being really sick with the flu and you don't want anyone talking to you - then you get better and want to pick up where you left off. ???

On the other hand if he does return, I feel like we would have to almost start and rebuild the relationship slowly and it doesn't help knowing that a sufferer can come out of it not realizing this and think that they were being ignored by the supporter

Yep - I think this is the price to be in a relationship with someone who isolates. I see a lot of the supporters talking about it and how they set boundaries and have conversations ahead of time on what they will and won't accept. Maybe you could start there? Accepting the isolation will happen and set expectations before it happens again?

 

[Moonchild 72]

Yep - I think this is the price to be in a relationship with someone who isolates. I see a lot of the supporters talking about it and how they set boundaries and have conversations ahead of time on what they will and won't accept. Maybe you could start there? Accepting the isolation will happen and set expectations before it happens again?

I think one of biggest difficulties I've always had in relationships is creating boundaries and holding to them. I'm frustrated with myself for not realizing that this was PTSD related. I would have had that conversation in hopes of helping him feel "safer" should it arise again. In previous episodes of Isolation I'd given him space but when he returned was quick to express how hurt I was and how important open honest communication was and frustrated that he couldn't give me a heads up (again not realizing how out of his control this was) Most of my own anxiety stems from abandonment issues (go figure) When he returned from isolating for 2 weeks in January 2018 my anxiety went through the roof causing panick attacks which I ended up telling him and he was completely surprised at how it affected me. At the time I was thinking really???? NOW, sadly it all makes sense.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you can only do so much in terms of helping your sufferer feel “safe(R)”. Yes, you can be consistent and honest and a rock of stability.......but at the end of the day, it’s a matter of “sufferers struggle to feel safe” instead of “people around us make us feel unsafe”. I say this because I don’t want you to feel overly burdened with the idea of making him feel safe. It’s not all on you.

 

[Moonchild 72]

I think you can only do so much in terms of helping your sufferer feel “safe(R)”. Yes, you can be consistent and honest and a rock of stability.......but at the end of the day, it’s a matter of “sufferers struggle to feel safe” instead of “people around us make us feel unsafe”. I say this because I don’t want you to feel overly burdened with the idea of making him feel safe. It’s not all on you.

I'm a nurturer by nature and highly empathetic so it's so painful to not try and do everything in my power to help him, but I know you are right and I thank you for reminding me that even with my best efforts it is up to him to work through this struggle at his own pace. Having a better understanding of the PTSD brain has made a world of difference, but
having my own anxiety issues doesn't help because I tend to obsess over how I'm handling things what I should or shouldn't say, and I'm easy to panic and second guess if my actions are helping or hindering things. This is also something I find I need to remind myself of constantly.

 

[Freida]

I tend to obsess over how I'm handling things what I should or shouldn't say, and I'm easy to panic and second guess if my actions are helping or hindering things. T

I think this is one of the things that makes life in the supporter world so tough -- ptsd doesn't really have any rules. Every time I think I have a handle on how I'm going to react to something it changes. If I can't keep up how in the world can my supporters??

 

[Moonchild 72]

I think this is one of the things that makes life in the supporter world so tough -- ptsd doesn't really have any rules. Every time I think I have a handle on how I'm going to react to something it changes. If I can't keep up how in the world can my supporters??

Oh if only there was a handbook! ? At this point, I only hope that I will have the opportunity to discuss and I may even have to explain what/why this is happening to him so that we can set boundaries. I know many sufferers here have seeked help, unfortunately mine has not and may not (that's an entirely different dilemma and a bridge I intend to cross when we get to it). We were at a friends wedding in Sept. and talking with my friend whose boyfriend also has PTSD and has just started treatment in the last year or so. My boyfriend and him were talking about their military experiences, sleep issues and other symptoms and my friends boyfriend was very quick to tell mine, dude that's PTSD you can get help. My boyfriend just sort of nodded his head and that was that. Sorry I know that was off my original topic, I think I may have to start another one asking for tips on approaching the subject of getting treatment.

 

[Freida]

I think I may have to start another one asking for tips on approaching the subject of getting treatment.

no. sorry but. NO!! Not a good idea.
If you are military asking for help can mean admitting you failed. You can't get your shit together. Your a total loser. If anyone is going to talk him into it's gonna be a battle buddy. Their words will carry more weight because then it's one of those "I did it so you can too" things. If you are trying to get him into treatment it may backfire because it's hard from my side of things to figure out what is concern for me and what is guilt about what I am or am not doing to make those around me feel better.

And things can get much, much worse once treatment starts. So that is something you both need to be prepared for. sucks - I know. but there ya have it....:(

 

[Moonchild 72]

If anyone is going to talk him into it's gonna be a battle buddy. Their words will carry more weight because then it's one of those "I did it so you can too" things. If you are trying to get him into treatment it may backfire because it's hard from my side of things to figure out what is concern for me and what is guilt about what I am or am not doing to make those around me feel better.

Thank you that does make so much sense! I would hope that if it's as bad as I think it is, he will reach out to one of them, however that may never happen as he's been struggling with this for a number of years and he is in now in his late 40's. For me personally feeling helpless and having no control over what he does has driven my own anxiety through the roof and that's something I and perhaps other supporters struggle with immensely.

 

[Moonchild 72]

So an update... This may be more of a rant that I need to express, but I've been trying to remain supportive and reached out one more time well over a week ago to let him know I was still here if he needed anything. It's been radio silence since his last text to me on Thanksgiving and last he told me he was going through a depression .Yesterday was his brother's birthday and a mutual friend tagged him on fb being out with them celebrating. It made me angry. It hurt! I feel like a fool. Did I expect him not to be going out or doing things? Was I naive to think he was held up isolated at home in a state of deep depression? One full month with zero contact. The not knowing is such a mind f*ck for a supporter. Has he just been numb to his feelings for me? Was it all too much and he just can't handle the stress of the relationship and doesn't have the guts to end it? Has he just decided to move on? I guess it's time to accept I may never know. I want to stick this out and be supportive the thought of moving on terrifies me (thank goodness I have a therapy appt tomorrow) but I feel like it may be time to accept hes probably not isolating and has just shut me out for whatever reason. The last month has been so surreal and the more time that passes the more disconnected I feel. Maybe I'm just trying to protect myself? I have GAD and this has triggered serious abandonment issues for me along with severe panic attacks (which he was aware affected me from a previous 2 week isolation) If I'm being completely honest, I don't even know how I could resume a relationship without some resentment. I hate what ptsd does to both sides it's not fair! ?

 

[zombycat]

Aww, honey... My heart goes out to you.

PTSD is a straight up mindf#ck. One of the things I hate the most about having it is the way it affects those around me. In fact it is THE thing I hate the most. It's what drove me out of denial and into treatment, and it's what keeps me fighting no matter how bad it gets. I'm lucky in that my closest support is strong enough to withstand anything I throw at him and generous enough to forgive me.

BUT

If him being there for me was tearing him to pieces, I'd be the very first one to tell him to walk away. You are responsible for your own mental health first. So is he. If what he expects from his supporters is something you cannot provide, it is up to you to recognize that and proceed accordingly. Some of my abusers were absolutely wonderful, amazing people. Until they weren't. It's not his fault. If his absence is trauma you can't continue taking, it's not your fault either.

Before you throw in the towel though. I think you're at the point where it's time to talk to him about what's going on. Tell him that you've tried to give him space, but it's damaging you, and he needs to break the silence in whatever way he's able, even if it's just to say goodbye. As for the party thing, even if there were posted pictures of him looking like he was having a good time, until you talk to him, you don't know the truth of it. I can not tell you how many times I needed to be left alone but well-meaning people who didn't understand my boundaries shanghaied me to go do this, that or the other thing. I was not comfortable. I was not happy. All I wanted was to retreat to my safe space, but let me tell you something. A lot of us sufferers can wear happy masks like a pro. It becomes automatic, after a while.

Try to keep one more thing in mind through this. I don't know him or what he's like, and I don't know you, but I do know that my biggest supporter? The one who stands by me through everything? He's the one who I can't hide from. He's the one who sees through my happy mask when no one else can, and when I want to run? He's the person I want to run the farthest from. I never want to leave him, but sometimes I can't bear that he looks at me and he sees me. The real me- every damaged, broken, ugly bit. He's my mirror, and sometimes I can't stand to see my own reflection.

 

[Candycane]

So an update... This may be more of a rant that I need to express, but I've been trying to remain supportive and reached out one more time well over a week ago to let him know I was still here if he needed anything. It's been radio silence since his last text to me on Thanksgiving and last he told me he was going through a depression .Yesterday was his brother's birthday and a mutual friend tagged him on fb being out with them celebrating. It made me angry. It hurt! I feel like a fool. Did I expect him not to be going out or doing things? Was I naive to think he was held up isolated at home in a state of deep depression? One full month with zero contact. The not knowing is such a mind f*ck for a supporter. Has he just been numb to his feelings for me? Was it all too much and he just can't handle the stress of the relationship and doesn't have the guts to end it? Has he just decided to move on? I guess it's time to accept I may never know. I want to stick this out and be supportive the thought of moving on terrifies me (thank goodness I have a therapy appt tomorrow) but I feel like it may be time to accept hes probably not isolating and has just shut me out for whatever reason. The last month has been so surreal and the more time that passes the more disconnected I feel. Maybe I'm just trying to protect myself? I have GAD and this has triggered serious abandonment issues for me along with severe panic attacks (which he was aware affected me from a previous 2 week isolation) If I'm being completely honest, I don't even know how I could resume a relationship without some resentment. I hate what ptsd does to both sides it's not fair! ?

Girl. Same. Hugs if you’ll take ‘em. I don’t know up from down these days. Maybe no contact is a blessing... when I do get to talk to mine, it’s like talking to an alien. It often just ends up feeling pointless.

Mine just informed me he’d be taking off to hunt in Texas with buddies for an undetermined amount of time... he’s been hunting several times since he became too “dysfunctional” to see me. I guess I’m grateful he’s got an outlet (even though I know he’s getting hammered nightly out there); I get what you’re talking about and it effing hurts. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish there was a roadmap for us... I guess this site and each other are as close as we’re gonna get.