Oh I didnt take it as you meaning me. Just people in your life. And I'm assuming that womans group. Just pointing out that one person at least doesnt think that way.
But these are very telling as they seem to be about your self esteem and if he isnt engaged or if he is truly out of the relationship then it = you not being a good enough partner. Rather than what it usually is in situations like that.
Personally when it comes to radical acceptance it wasn't work. It gave me almost instant relief at times.
What can you do to give yourself a break right now and take some of the pressure off. What can you do to boost your self esteem. You dont deserve to feel so badly about yourself.. ?
Wow!!! I'm so, well, honored that you remembered all of that! I'm actually taken a little aback by it. I honestly don't know what to say, but thank you! I honestly mean that.
You're actually quite right. I know that my self esteem could use a full body makeover. It really isn't even about him being engaged or not. My self esteem has been in the tank long before him, unfortunately. Of course, it amplifies it when he's pulling away, because it seems to validate my self hate speech. Then I can feel somewhat justified in wallowing in my own self pity.
It's crazy, but I honestly feel a lot better now that I've written a lot of it down and have had a chance to evaluate it all. I'm actually feeling rejuvenated. I have been thinking a lot about him, us, and me.
I honestly love him unconditionally. I think somehow, I find comfort in that, most likely because of the things I may project onto him from myself. That maybe if I can love it in him, it can be easier to love it in myself. I most definitely use him as a mirror. I wouldn't like it if he was with someone else, but if he was happy, I would be happy for him. I know it would be bittersweet. But I honestly don't think that's even in the scope of where he is right now. I just want to prepare myself mentally, I think, in case that happened.
The reality is that I feel he's been very supportive of me overall in the last 9 years I've been with him, so it seems natural to only want the best for him too. Of course, I would like to selfishly think that I'm part of that recipe, of course. But if I'm not, so be it. I genuinely treasure the majority of our interactions. When I take a step back and realize, again, that his need to isolate doesn't have anything to do with me, it eases my burden. I forget sometimes, that him needing space isn't my fault. I forget because of the other people in my life buzzing in my ear with all of their hurtful words amplifying my self hate. People telling me that it is my fault.
For now, I resolve to continue to improve myself and make myself happy. When we have our interactions, I will decide to use grace and be courteous and courageous. I will let him have the space he needs to heal with all of my love. I know some people feel that is enabling, but I don't necessarily agree with that. I will enforce boundaries and not just allow him to use me as a doormat. But I truly don't believe that is what he's trying to do at all. I genuinely believe he feels drawn to become a better man for and by himself. I see giving him the space to do the work he needs to and worrying about myself as a kind and loving act.
Honestly, I'm proud of him for it. I feel he's trying to work on what he sees as his shortcomings. I think that there may be temptations and coping devices in play too, but that's his business, not mine. I don't know if he's talking to other women or not, but that's not my concern and it shouldn't be. I do believe he hasn't stop drinking, and I believe it was on his breath the other night, but that is also not my business right now. Again, the only thing I can be in control of is me and what I can and cannot accept. I can be supportive without being sucked into the rabbit hole. I believe he has a lot of demons he needs to fight, and I have to trust him to do it himself this time.
I'm here in his corner if he needs some support, but I have to have faith in his strength to do it for himself. I believe that it will help him feel like the man he is missing. I have to put my side of things into being genuine when I speak with him and the rest into my prayers for him and his son. I think he has to do this or the pattern will never change, and I will be doomed to relive this over and over, and I can't be willing to do that.
As for me? I'm going to get back on track. I'm going to put on my big girl panties, pull up my bootstraps, and get back into the trenches of fixing my life. What better way to be supportive, than to re-find my strength?! I feel it re-energizing in my blood and bones right now. I'm starting to feel like the sky isn't even my limit anymore. It's funny how writing it all down and setting it free can remove it's power over you. That's how I feel right now. I feel like the darkness no longer has it's power over me. No matter what, with him or without him, this is my course. It is the only way towards my betterment....and my betterment is what I'm in charge of.
I'm so lucky to have such an arsenal of fine people! I know I'm blessed. I also know that I can do this! You have all been so integral to helping me find the road to my own peace of mind. The shared experiences and support is unmatched. This is the one place I don't feel like a freak. This is the one place I feel i can find a home base for my cocoon. The foundation for my metamorphosis. I will be reborn, like my name means....and I will be a "beautiful butterfly." (yes, that is an "Ants" reference to make myself smile)
