This journey is taking me to places I never expected... I just, for the first time in my life worked out with a personal trainer.
A couple of years ago, I learned how to swim. Water has always terrified me. When I was a kid, my mother would hold my head under running water to "wash my hair"... I would be terrified every time. I still remember the water pouring down my face, and feeling like I couldn't breathe and totally freaking out. And she and my brother would just laugh and insult me.
I was terrified of water for the next almost 50 years... If I had to go on a boat, I was always sure it was going to sink, and I'd end up drowning... Or if I was on a plane, and we had to fly over water, I would totally panic inside..
I decided that I wasn't going to be scared because of what they did to me any more, so I started taking swimming lessons. I eventually got up to doing 25 laps a day in an Olympic pool. I'm not totally comfortable in water, but I don't get scared much any more... It was really tough to do without standing out... But I decided it was worth it as a "f*ck you" to my family...
Then I decided to start going to the gym. I've never wanted to stand out - I spent my childhood trying not to be seen... and at the beginning, I stood out at the gym all the time... Two years ago I weighed 305 pounds. I now weigh 200 pounds... and have gone to the gym pretty much every other day for two years...
But as I kept going, I got more comfortable, and have even ended up with pretty good arms and even got some tattoos. But I'm still self conscious, so I booked the trainer to help me improve.
I spent all day freaked out about going... Whenever I see people working out with him, he does the "mean trainer" thing.... I wanted to back out. I figured if he started yelling at me, other people would notice me and I'd have a meltdown. I told him that i wasn't sure I could deal with the whole yelling thing, and he was great.
I went, I survived it, and no one else there even paid attention to me... NO yelling involved, thank god...
I'm totally exhausted, but I've booked two more sessions in the next couple of weeks... Dealing with my abuse is helping me rethink how I deal with everything.... for the better... ?
