ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I did some comfort eating and now have stopped. I am improving. It is taking a lot of work to change these behaviours.

 

[ms spock]

Okay I went down the rabbit hole and ate too much today. I did comfort eating. I did something that I didn't want to do - writing a submission and I managed my feelings by eating. Not the best. Not the worst!

 

[VioletButterfly]

Working on changing automatic thinking, assumptions, endgame thinking. It's the oddest mental/emotional sensation when I have a thought about change being possible and it being positive. It's like someone opens a window into my mind, and lets in some fresh air and sunshine. It's been happening off and on over the past month. I've been ping ponging between those sensations and being back down in the pit of despair and self-destruction, but at least positivity is being given some bandwidth in my thinking.

I realize that I'm trying very hard to climb up out of a pit of depression that's held me down at its base for many years now. I know that it's going to be a bit slow going and the sides are slippery so I will up and down for a bit yet, but I am determined. God help me, I'm ready to throw everything I have/know to do at this so that I can get to a better way/better day. No more walking through the days slowly killing myself with food and alcohol, and asking God if I can come home yet because I just can't do life on this planet anymore. I'm seeing more and more distortions in my thinking, and I'm ready to try again to figure this out.

Also, I'm telling myself that there are no answers in my past. I've got work to do on that one, but I'm trying to find and maintain some perspective around that concept. There's a lot to grieve and work through as it relates to the past, but I can't learn how to live in today by trying to live in paradigms of the past.

Also, I heard a statement in passing this weekend that struck me - "Stop. Pivot. Do something new." I'm adding it to my recovery slogan notebook. :)

 

[ms spock]

I have gone down the rabbit hole with comfort eating last night and these last few days.

 

[ms spock]

I heard a statement in passing this weekend that struck me - "Stop. Pivot. Do something new." I'm adding it to my recovery slogan notebook. :)

I LOVE IT! That is great!

 

[ms spock]

I am numbing my emotions a lot with yoghurt and frozen blueberries, which is much better than bars of chocolate. I went for the jatz last night. It has been a few days since I have been doing this. Not just at night anymore, I have gone back to the whole day as well. I know why my frustration with my partner and my avoidance and fear of living my own life.

The day before a scone, bread roll and then heaps of other stuff. So not the best but not the worst either.

The stuff with the ripping off cousin and B just being pretty hopeless about most things is really getting to me. B is just being pretty pathetic really. He is doing none of the things that his ADD coach is saying. So I am annoyed. The coach said it would take 18 months, but there has to be some progress.

Also I am doing too much caretaking for him. But he needs an operation. And his knee fixed.

I have to take the focus off B and put it on myself, and work on looking after me and taking responsibility for me.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I have to take the focus off B and put it on myself, and work on looking after me and taking responsibility for me.

As someone who tucked away her life to care for her mother, I understand how hard this process is. The drive was unimaginable and just took over my life. I guess growing up as an alcoholic's caregiver as a child and young adult imprints in very bad ways on the psyche. I digress.... I can see how much you care for B and his family (PB), and the extent to which you will go to protect/help out. It is admirable; however, it is important, as you well note, to focus on yourself and to tend to yourself. Breathe, be mindful, self-care/self-care/self-care, and be kind and patient with yourself while you're navigating this season. You have so many great habits, techniques, abilities to go to in order to help yourself out and support yourself. I hope you will avail yourself of this source of support. Boundaries are sometimes necessary. Maybe you can think about the analogy of the oxygen mask in the airplane when you're not taking care of yourself first. Not sure any of this helps, but I hope something will bring support and provide a little encouragement. :)

With regard to my "found" statement/slogan. I agree! That's why I like the slogans at Al Anon. The short zingers that cut through the chaff of life so that we can better seek the abundance of the wheat within are awesome. :) "What I focus on grows" is another one that pulls me back from a cliff often times.

Much care, support, and strength to you, @Living in the 70s.

 

[ms spock]

Okay B surpassed all expectations today. He really went all out, and did way more than I expected. He really stepped up to the plate. I can't quite believe it. He worked really hard today to pull his weight, and then do stuff. So that was really good.

Totally exhausted and must rest now. It was a really important day for our relationship.

My eating was worst today. Much worse.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I first learned of the following acronym in Eating Disorders Anonymous and then Al Anon. I find it helpful to keep it in mind when I can so that I don't act rashly based upon these feelings.

H - Hungry
A - Angry
L - Lonely
T - Tired

I'd have to add anxious to that as well. Hmmm.... HALTA? HAALT? Maybe. :)

 

[VioletButterfly]

Piecing together a plan or sorts for the next several months with goals and supporting architecture.

Working on my resume, meal plans and recipes, exercise progression, social engagement ideas and an implementation strategy so that I don't overwhelm myself, and a workable self care routine.

 

[ms spock]

So I have lost it with the eating thing. Yeah not so good. But still aware of what is going on. Kind of.

Great stuff @VioletButterfly re all you are doing in post #670 I am going for employment myself next year.

 

[ms spock]

Okay I get it now I have been trying to ground through eating. That is what I have been doing. Trying to ground through eating.