Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[PTSDGuy]

That is so wonderful. And.. oh my gosh what the heck was wrong with your mom!??!?!

Other than being homophobic, racist person who protected her pedophile husband her whole life, who spent years calling me an idiot and disgusting for "choosing" to be Gay, and who didn't care that her 10 year old kid was on the streets (doing drugs, getting drunk and getting raped) pretty much every day for years?

Just dumping water on their head like that - it's like waterboarding. No wonder you were terrified.

I never thought of it like that... She used to force me to bend over a laundry tub, turn the water on high and shove my head under. I still remember the water all over my face, in my mouth and nose, and her just forcing me to stay like that. No matter how much I would fight because it felt like I was drowning, she just kept my head under the running water. It never changed... I'd feel like I was dying, and she and my brother would mock me for being scared. Every few days.

It went on every few days for years, and never changed. I guess it was entertaining to scare me.

I've remembered for a long time, but this is the first time I've really thought about how disgusting it was, and how it still affects me. Even today, if I'm taking a shower and end up with the water spraying on my face, I start to panic. And that's just when I'm taking a normal shower... It's not like someone is holding my head under the water... but I still freak out.

I keep going back to the word "waterboarding"... It's really hard to read that, but it was sort of like that I guess.

And huge kudos to you for refusing to live in fear. :hug:

It's interesting that as soon as I get a compliment, I end up deflecting it and thinking "It wasn't such a big deal learning to swim, eat right, lose 100 pounds and go to the gym several times a week, I should have started 30 years earlier".

What is it I'm supposed to say again? Oh, yeah, "Thanks" ... :hug:

 

[TTC18]

I'm so sorry you went through so much. :( Were you the family scapegoat?

 

[PTSDGuy]

I'm so sorry you went through so much. :( Were you the family scapegoat?

Yep... I still remember going to therapy and hearing the terms "designated patient" and "scapegoat" for the first time, and realizing that that's what I was growing up...

I remember hating when we'd have dinner together, because I knew they'd sit around and blame me for anything and everything... Eventually, when my brother got engaged, his future wife joined in on it... So instead of 3 people insulting and making fun of me, I had 4... ?

 

[TTC18]

Yep... I still remember going to therapy and hearing the terms "designated patient" and "scapegoat" for the first time, and realizing that that's what I was growing up...

I remember hating when we'd have dinner together, because I knew they'd sit around and blame me for anything and everything... Eventually, when my brother got engaged, his future wife joined in on it... So instead of 3 people insulting and making fun of me, I had 4... ?

Ugh. :( I'm sorry. And so glad you got out of that. :( :hug:

 

[PTSDGuy]

It's one of those days... When I wake up thinking about my abuse, and how it affected my life.

Last night I had a flashback of my father physically abusing me. It's strange, all of my flashbacks used to only be about the sexual abuse. Lately, there's those, plus remembering getting beaten with a two foot long wooden chair leg. It's almost harder to deal with than the sexual stuff. Maybe cuz it's "new". Or maybe because it reminds me of how I was a kid and had no way to escape.

This morning I ended up on here catching up on everything, and see a discussion about rape/sexual abuse, masculinity and being a man in society. When I first read the discussion on @somerandomguy's diary, I thought getting abused by a woman probably affects straight guys differently than a Gay guy getting abused by a guy.

But the more I think about it, being Gay can make you deal even more with masculinity and power. It only takes one person out there calling you a faggot to realize you're often seen as "less than" a man, or not a real man. You're instantly dehumanized. It's like an instant power grab... Just call us faggots or pansies, or queers, and you get instant superiority. It only takes one word.

Gay men are just forced to deal with shit like that our whole lives. ( I'm not trying to minimize what abused straight guys go through... It'd be hell... I'm just pondering my f*cked up life right now...)

The way I dealt with it at 16 was to get involved in the leather community for years. I mean, if you look like you just rode in on a motorcycle, you must be "a man"... When in reality, it's just a costume... It really has nothing to do with my being a man... But it was a good way to throw my sexuality in my father's face... I swear, half the stuff I've done in my life is to tell my father "f*ck you" for what he did to me.

I ended up being a Gay activist partly because of my abuse. I've been trying to "take back power" for 50 years... I had it ripped away as a kid, and had to survive in a world that just wanted me to shut up. So I threw a 50 year "tantrum", because I'm so used to being powerless... Some people stay in the closet to feel safe... I ripped down the closet door in about 1976.

My husband and I aren't originally from the US... He got a Green Card. If we had been a straight couple back then, I would have been handed a Green Card at the same time... But until 1990, it was illegal for Gays and Lesbians to enter the US, so they definitely weren't giving me a Green Card. It took about 7 years, a lot of letters back and forth, and paying an attorney to get Permanent Residence.

And just when you finally think things are improving, we now have people in power who would like nothing more than to take away all our rights. We've been here almost 30 years, and are sick of wondering what they're trying to take away next. We're actually debating whether to retire in the U.S., Europe, or Britain... It gets really old being under attack while trying to deal with your abuse.

I'm not even sure why I'm pondering all of this, except the whole masculine/feminine, Gay/Straight thing struck a chord...

 

[somerandomguy]

But the more I think about it, being Gay can make you deal even more with masculinity and power. It only takes one person out there calling you a faggot to realize you're often seen as "less than" a man, or not a real man. You're instantly dehumanized. It's like an instant power grab... Just call us faggots or pansies, or queers, and you get instant superiority. It only takes one word.

Shit. This is really true - I've never heard it put quite so succinctly.

I was constantly called "faggot" in junior high. Is it OK to say that at the time I actually wished that I WAS gay, so it wouldn't hurt quite so much? This was the early 1980s in the midwestern USA when & where being openly gay just might have gotten you killed, if you were unlucky.

I have a ton of respect for gay guys, like you, who came out of the other side of that shit without hating every straight person in existence. I don't think I could have.

 

[PTSDGuy]

I was constantly called "faggot" in junior high. Is it OK to say that at the time I actually wished that I WAS gay, so it wouldn't hurt quite so much? This was the early 1980s in the midwestern USA when & where being openly gay just might have gotten you killed, if you were unlucky.

It's funny that you were wishing you were Gay, and I was wishing I was Straight back then. I think it must have hurt, but since you knew you were straight, it might have actually made it a bit easier for you. I'm sure it was horrible and confusing, but you knew it wasn't true. When I got called a faggot, I knew that's what I was, so figured I "deserved" it. My father told me I deserved it when he abused me, so somehow it seemed true.

I have a ton of respect for gay guys, like you, who came out of the other side of that shit without hating every straight person in existence. I don't think I could have.

The only time I didn't like straight people was after being forced to set up an AIDS organization, because no one straight cared at the beginning. Hell, Reagan wouldn't even mention it for 5 years. The press and White House spokespersons even joked about it, while people were dying.

And the only way we could get funding was if we started aiming education at straight people, because "AIDS can infect anyone". Which was true in theory, but it was overwhelmingly Gay men who were dying in the 80's. But if it was "just" Gay men, it didn't matter. It was "our fault", as opposed to the "poor (straight) people" who got it through transfusions. Gays deserved it, straight people were "victims"....

It took me a long time to actually believe that there were lots of amazing straight people who were fine with Gay people... and in reality, AIDS really changed things for the LGBT community. We were no longer "them", or "queers"... People suddenly realized they knew Gay people, were related to Gay people or worked with Gay people.

There are lots of homophobes out there who refuse to understand, but there are less and less of them, and more straight people who understand.

I used to run into straight people all the time that would say they wouldn't help with Gay rights because "they weren't Gay"... My answer to them used to be "You don't have to be a dog to volunteer at the SPCA, why would you have to be Gay to care about equal rights for Gay people?"... I haven't needed that answer in a LONG time...

Chances are, we couldn't even have this conversation in the 80's.... I'd be called names and insulted just saying I was Gay around straight people who could hide behind their keyboards. The world really has improved, even if the current Administration is working to take away our rights.

Just being here and able to share my story without worrying if people can handle it, or if I'll be supported is proof that things have changed for the better. ?

 

[PTSDGuy]

I haven't been writing in a while because I've been a total mess since I last wrote.

I kept thinking about the whole waterboarding thing after @TTC18 mentioned it... even mentioned it to my therapist, whose reaction was, "Yeah, I'd call it pretty much waterboarding"... And the next day had a flashback about my mother holding me down and pouring water all over my face, and was instantly back there feeling it all... I started hyperventilating...

While I was feeling how terrified I was, I started remembering more about my father raping me... My shoulders were hurting, I was clutching my stomach, freezing and shaking. and remembered even more details.

I'd think of things, realize how angry I am at them, then back to crying, back to anger...

I sort of came out of it, and then would suddenly be right back in it. But then all of a sudden it was like someone turned off a movie projector, and everything was just done. I think it was the most intense, but also strangest flashback I've had... I've never had a flashback that sort of ends, but didn't really... until it just stops.

When I mentioned about the flashback being several hours long to both my T's, they each felt I had spent most of the week in a kind of flashback, and I just didn't realize at the time. Each of them said they thought I might have been in a flashback during each of their sessions.

Multi-day flashbacks? I was hoping they'd get shorter.... I think the first 20 or so I had lasted an hour... I was hoping they'd start lasting about 15 minutes! And what does my brain do? Releases the extended version of the flashback instead of a single!

Oh well, can't control when they show up, so not much point in stressing over long flashbacks....

 

[TTC18]

Maybe your brain is trying to just vomit it all up and get it out so you'll feel better. I sure hope so. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be terrifying. I have very few memories at all. I typically have emotional flashbacks only - just huge surges of FEAR/RUN/HIDE/ESCAPE/FEAR.
Do either of your Ts have ideas for dealing with this? Grounding things to take you out of a flashback? Anything? :hug:

 

[PTSDGuy]

Maybe your brain is trying to just vomit it all up and get it out so you'll feel better. I sure hope so. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be terrifying. I have very few memories at all. I typically have emotional flashbacks only - just huge surges of FEAR/RUN/HIDE/ESCAPE/FEAR.
Do either of your Ts have ideas for dealing with this? Grounding things to take you out of a flashback? Anything? :hug:

My EMDR therapist is working with me on grounding techniques all the time - thank God... I also signed up with a phone app for meditation... I've managed to meditate for the past week or so... I might have it all figured out right about the time I'm finished with all the flashbacks. ?

I think I have emotional flashbacks when I'm stuck in traffic... I haven't figured those out yet... If I get stuck behind someone who zooms in front of me and then goes really slow, or I get boxed in by someone, I can feel myself starting to want to ESCAPE... I start almost hyperventilating, my stomach gets in a knot, and my brain shuts down... Which usually ends with me going crazy trying to get "free"....

And when I finally get away, and I don't feel trapped any more, I end up driving normal speeds, or below the speed limit.

Ugh.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Christmas. f*cking shit day.

Yesterday, I got a letter from my insurance telling me I had run out of therapy sessions that are covered. And it started weeks ago, so I now have to f*cking pay for three sessions that I went to thinking they were covered. And I'm supposed to go to my therapist on Thursday... And insurance won't pay until he deals with them. So basically, I just got handed a $700 bill. Ho Ho Ho.

I'm changing insurance on January 1st. But I need to go to therapy this week desperately... My only option is to pay for the session myself... As if I could afford it. I'm going to just smoke marijuana for the next week. It's better than sitting here sobbing like I'm doing... Eight in the f*cking morning on Christmas, and I just want to escape.

Last night, we went to a neighbor's place for Christmas eve drinks. I tried to put aside the money issue, and just enjoy myself.

I had the best time. I stood around with a neighbor I'd never really talked to and had a great conversation with him for an hour. I even told him about having PTSD from being abused by my dad... And he got it. He even told me that he thought I was really strong for making it through what I went through.

My husband was telling great stories, was charming and fun. I really thought he had a good time. Then we got home, and he started going on about how horrible everything was. How much he hated going out because it's stressful, and more... We ended up having a huge fight...

It sent me into a flashback. Back to my father abusing me. I basically lay in a ball on the couch for two hours reliving it all. It was the worst flashback I've ever had. I was right back there trying to escape but not being able to move. I was f*cking frozen. At one point, my hands were shaking so much that I felt like I had no control over getting them to stop. Two hours of terror.

Merry f*cking Christmas...

 

[TTC18]

:hug: So sorry - what a horrible way to end an evening. :(
Insurance companies can be the worst - and it's bizarre that they can wait so long to tell you they're not covering any more visits, doesn't the doctor's office check that stuff when you go in? Can you ask your T about a sliding scale, or a payment plan or something?