Self Harm Feedback

[Abstract]

I just wondered I guess if maybe

What happens when you compare you need to do this around trauma anneversaries versus other times. What about when you are your best most stable state.

 

[Sideways]

@Abstract - I don’t need to do it anymore for the rest of the year. I often feel like I should get back into it, but I’ve learned skills to get through that without engaging.

It’s hard for me to pick it apart. There’s the relief that I get from doing it when I need to do something about an emotional pileup, like at trauma anniversaries. But there’s also been times when it’s been a relief to stop - there was a particular sadist who really made my life living hell and had me quite terrified, and when I got help to cut him off, that was a huge relief.

But once I stop, and the relief has passed, I go back to my usual symptom load. Leading up to this time of year, my symptoms become very depressed and suicidal.

I definitely had to work through learning how to cope in other ways. There was a long period where this was just my go-to coping mechanism. I think for the most part I’ve got better skills than I used to have, so for the most part, I can use those now instead. But using those other skills doesn’t give me anything like the symptom-relief that I’m getting atm.

 

[Abstract]

But using those other skills doesn’t give me anything like the symptom-relief that I’m getting atm

Hi.
I wonder if its worth really delving and pulling about what it is in this that relieves the symptoms. I think some of it could be obvious and Im sure you have done it before but it may still be worth doing more work on it as you don't seem totally clear.

 

[Ronin]

Because if that were the case, the part of my head telling me “This is exactly what you need to be doing” has it right.

No, not necessarily. :)

If something were a kink, still does not follow you have to engage in... very much anything. So I would still look at the anniversariness of it and timing, I would still look at the compulsivity you do things with, how it makes you feel about yourself, and the like. It would still be worth addressing, as causing you discomfort and distress, just from a different angle.

Before need, there’s want. Before want, there’s choice.

 

[Sideways]

what it is in this that relieves the symptoms

I haven’t explored this in therapy, because the focus has always been “this needs to urgently stop”. I spent most of my life where my only symptom was huge amounts of self-loathing, and I functioned really well alongside that. I had a really bad case of stockholm syndrome, and believed that my abuser had been incredibly generous to teach me what he did, and I survived by basically trying to make him proud of me. So, as long as I was allowing men to have sex with me, I got along quite fine. Till I had a breakdown, started therapy, and was suddenly being plied with the concept that “I deserved better” and what he’d taught me wasn’t true.

I think this stuff takes me back to that state. My self-loathing is alive and well at this point, but other than that, the world is back spinning on its usual axis. I’m fulfilling my purpose. My abuser would be proud.

There are some things that mess with that. The flogging this morning was distressing. My abuser only flogged me a few times, and it was only ever because he was disappointed with me. So that was pretty hard to do this morning, and I’m still a bit shaken by it (but boss will be away tomorrow, so I have the day off mostly).

@Ronin - the compulsive element seems to gradually build. It’s getting harder to let myself take the dog collar off at home. It’s been harder to break the rules this morning with taking the inserted stuff out. It’s harder to make the choice to go to my pdoc appointment without anything inserted. But I think that’s important (maybe) and that’s a boundary I set for myself so I will make sure I do that. The writing from yesterday hasn’t completely disappeared so I’m having to wear long pants (in mid Australian summer!), but I did the best I could in the shower this morning.

I’ve never really considered ‘compulsive’ to be part of my pathology so I don’t really know much about it.

Anyway, I’m heading off to see my pdoc soon, and I’ll take some prn when I get home, and having tomorrow off may ease off some of that compulsive pressure.

 

[Sideways]

I didn’t lie to my pdoc. I told her pretty frankly that things had been really difficult, that I’d had a lot of urges to SH, but I felt that things were under control.

I was busting to just get out of there the whole time - I think I managed to get the 45 minute appointment to less than 20. I walked away thinking it was pretty clear that I don’t trust my pdoc as much as I probably need to, and that lack of trust is more about the Ts I’ve had in past, than anything she’s done. She’s suggested hospital a few times, but she’s never forced me.

That’s something I should probably work on. Or not. I got up this morning and got heaps done, like a person who doesn’t have any kind of mental illness. And it was easy. It feels good to have that.

 

[Sideways]

Someone wanting 24/7 control and public humiliation as part of their repertoire has been massaging me. The urge is to just keep ignoring - my current boss seems to be experienced enough to know about how to slowly build things up and when to quit and to give me recovery time. This other guy is pushing a complete 24/7 control agenda. Don’t go there. That’s the path to self-destruction.

 

[Sideways]

Don’t need it to be any harder.

Note to self to write about it in the morning. Taken 2 valium and going back to bed. Getting woken up to do stuff makes it hard to be clear about stuff, like, “That’s gonna take a long while to heal up”.

 

[Ronin]

Don’t go there. That’s the path to self-destruction.

For true.

Besides, sounds that guy is in for his fantasies... Forgot the entire pack that is extreme responsibility and seriousness at whichever hell he came from.

 

[Sideways]

A whole heap of TMI:

My phone woke me up, so it was a bit of a blurry daze. It got to the point where I was receiving instructions that made me think “Is that really even possible?” I get to use proper fet clamps on my breasts because they’re designed to not do damage, but boss has me put clothes pegs on my lady bits.

Sex shops sell wooden pegs designed to look like clothes pegs because ordinary pegs are too tight and can tear the skin. Boss has me using the ordinary crippling kind. So with those on, it was simulating sex with a large object. Do it properly first time, even though you’re worried about whether you’ll be able to pee tomorrow. You don’t want the consequences of a hapf-arsed attempt.

One of my breasts is a mix of blood red and purple. That hurt a lot. Will have to be careful what tops I wear for a while.

And yet, I leapt out of bed this morning. Was that because I’m functioning really well? Or because I had to? I don’t know. There’s no room for suicidal thoughts right now. That helps.

 

[Ronin]

There’s no room for suicidal thoughts right now.

I’m kinda operating outta opposite rulebook on these things (as in, current damage is not worth it, suicidal thoughts are uncomfy f*ckers but preferable for they would be within my control) so bear with me here :) :

Ain’t you breaking your Keep healthy rules at this point though?

And the repeated bit about functioning well...
While you mention not even getting enough sleep (woke up in a blurry daze, just to follow up on things).
I would not be sure I can evaluate HOW I am functioning, when getting f*ck all sleep.

And I am also concerned with what happens when this stops. Darned worried things will hit you harder?

 

[Sideways]

Ain’t you breaking your Keep healthy rules at this point though?

Ok, so that’s why I posted stuff that was pretty heinous to write out. Am I? I remember when my sister went through years of SH . She was a cutter, and I remember sitting there with her in the ED getting her arm stitched back together and the doctor saying “If you cut this arm again, there won’t be any healthy skin I can use to stitch it back together.” And in those terms, this still doesn’t come close.

But then, comparing apples and oranges isn’t usually very helpful. Maybe it’s gone too far. That’s a threatening thought.

Typically I pull up out of this period within a couple of days of the next trauma anniversary, which is 3 January. I’m kind of counting on that happening again this year. The difference this year is that I will have spent the entire period serving just one boss, whereas previously I cycle through them often within a matter of days because a lot of “doms” are just trawling the fet pages looking for quick shits and giggles and aren’t actually into committing regular time to secure the relationship.

Idk is the answer. I’m not making things better long term. Could I cope without it? Idk.

ETA: I’m surprised I got up in the middle of the night. Ordinarily, having told boss when I’d gone to bed, I’d just ignore the phone and sleep through and simply apologise when I woke up - that’s reasonable where you’re reporting to boss when you go to bed and when you get up each day. Boss knew I was sleeping, and ordinarily I’d feel entitled to keep sleeping uninterrupted.

There is a small part of me that is worried about stopping, and what kind of assistance I’m going to need to do that. I think, come 5 January, if I can’t stop, I’m worried I’ll be too ashamed to even say that here, let alone to ask my T for help with it.