therapist emotional/psychological abuse

[brokenpony]

if this has happened to you can you tell me a little about your story and how it started and happened? either here or pm me? i’m so confused about what is happening between my therapist and me. a lot of people talk about transference here and i wonder if it’s all in my head and that it’s negative transference but my intuition is telling me something is off with the way he talks to/about me and my trauma.

 

[ILoveLife]

Can you be more specific about the things he does and says?

It may help you more than comparing stories.

 

[brokenpony]

i’m scared to post the details because i’m paranoid about being recognized. however there are times i feel like he is blaming me for my abuse by staying in it or letting bad things happen to me because i am a passive/submissive person. a lot of time he focuses on my regret, like asks if i can forgive my past self for freezing instead of hollering when molested which triggered me. he also made an inappropriate kind of joke in my opinion about my abuse i can pm you if you want. it just feels like (in my mind) he just focuses a ton on what i could‘ve or should‘ve done differently to avoid being raped or abused even though he says its not my fault and i didnt deserve it. he uses the phrase “your decisions” when we talk about it. but it feels like my radar is all off because of the ptsd and i‘m confused.

also i guess i should say there has been some touch and weird sexual tension between us i don’t understand

 

[Kubash16]

So I’m not sure if it’s the same because obviously I’m not in your sessions. But I have a ton of guilt and self blame surrounding my abuse and my T knows this. He will ask questions and focus on things like what I could have done differently to avoid the abuse. But he’s clear that it’s not that he’s blaming me. He’s trying to work me through learning I can’t blame myself. I like to rationalize things and he uses that to show me, I had no way out. It may sound at first like T is blaming me with the way the questions are phrased but once I get to where he’s going (for example when I said I was only 7 there was literally nothing I could have done) he will jump on it to keep that train of thought going if that makes sense? Like he’s meeting me where I am and guiding me to where he wants me to go.

 

[brokenpony]

he makes it clear that there are things i could have done differently (speak up, not drink too much, etc). for ex i told him about an assault that happened around others and he said i should have spoken up.

 

[EveHarrington]

Unless you tell people about this group, the chances of being discovered here are pretty slim.

There is no PM system, so without you disclosing anything specific, people are going to be guessing at what happened, giving vague or even harmful advice, and that’s just going to make things worse for you.

I hope you can take a leap of faith and post what’s really going on.

And as my therapist says, what’s the worst that could happen if your story is read here? You just kick the asshole out of your life who would dare hold this stuff against you, and move on. (Yes, it’s been a topic of discussion.)

 

[brokenpony]

it just feels like we are playing a cat and mouse game and i am the mouse?

focusing my trauma on "the decisons you've made" vs the decisions they made to abuse me, which makes me feel like it is my fault. he says the right and wrong thing together and it's mixed signals. examples:

• "well, you shouldn't have been drinking" (but then "he's responsible for his actions, you didn't deserve that").
• "you should have said something." (but then "you didn't want to make a scene, i can appreciate that").
• i said i felt responsible for all of my abuse and he said "we all play a part" and asked me if i could forgive my past self for not saying anything or putting myself in bad situations.
• suggested i talk to my parents about my abuse and "your decisions."
• one time i did address this with him. i said "do you think it's my fault?" and he joked and said "totally." then clarified that we can't control what other people do and can only control ourselves. which makes sense but the amount he fixates on my behavior seems... too much. it feels like he is always saying it's not my fault because he knows he can't say it is my fault outright but that it really is my fault. i don't feel at all that he is trying to ask me questions to help me realize it wasn't my fault because of how much he focuses on how passive i am, and how he said i shouldn't have been drunk even though he later said it sounds like the guy got me drunk (he did and i told him that).

weird moments of touch and sexual tension:

• sometimes he sits right next to me becuase we are doing an activity. i like this and these days we sit next to each other because of the erotic transference, sometimes i fantasize about putting my head in his lap. i want to be close to him. but it feels off because he is sometimes just a few inches away from me. twice he rested an object on my knee to show me it. whenever we sit close he also sometimes hits my leg with his hands repeatedly when gesturing, which i thought was an accident at first and ignored but feels like it's happened too often now to be truly accident.
• one time he just stopped hitting my leg and actually said sorry. i mean, he hit it once kind of dramatically and said "sorry." then the next time he started up again hitting my leg accidentally and then the next time he didn't do it at all. i don't get what is happening here at all.
• i went to get my coat and looked back at him and he looked me up and down smiling in a suggestive way. this happened only once but it was very obvious to me.
• this may be misreading but one time early on i was looking down and looked up at him. he said 'i was just looking at your necklace' and it felt weird, like he was looking at my chest and thought i'd noticed.

inappropriate comments?:

• "some situations were rape, and some were just f*cked, no pun intended"
• i said "he really f*cked with me" and he said "yeah he really f*cked you"

agreeing with me that i am crazy:

• "i feel totally crazy." "well, at least you can admit it."
• "i don't really know how i got so f*cked up." "multiple factors."

he also constantly makes this one teasing joke. one time i called him on it a bit and said "what does that mean?" and he said "i'm testing you to see how react. when was the last time you stood up for yourself?" which makes me wonder how much of this is testing or something? i don't know.

when i lay it out all out like it seems i need to leave but this is all gradual over many months. most of the time i feel he is being nice or saying the right things, and i feel close to him and like he cares for me as a client, or maybe that's just the erotic transference, but sometimes i wonder if i'm being played?

 

[Ronin]

I would find another therapist.

A lot of what he does, based on your descriptions, sounds more as a harmful half licensed creep just having fun with the mockery, instead of a professional helping you learn new boundaries and reframe on past experiences.

 

[brokenpony]

(also too late to edit but his hand was directly on my knee when he rested the object on it, like the back of his hand kinda)

 

[Kubash16]

Okay, thank you for clarifying all of this. In my opinion-I would find another T. I know you say it’s gradual, but if anything makes you uncomfortable (and I would be highly uncomfortable) it’s time to go.

 

[brokenpony]

I would find another therapist.

A lot of what he does, based on your descriptions, sounds more as a harmful half licensed creep just having fun with the mockery, instead of a professional helping you learn new boundaries and reframe on past experiences.

thanks yeah. he's been in practice for a very long time (like 40 years) as a PTSD specialist so i feel so confused about it. i do feel like he is having a game of me sometimes.

 

[Ronin]

he's been in practice for a very long time (like 40 years)

Well, an old creep is just about that. :)
That does not necessarily make people good, just because they were doing something (badly) a long time.