Self Harm Feedback

[Ronin]

I’m worried I’ll be too ashamed to even say that here, let alone to ask my T for help with it

Nah, nothing shameful about it. :)
Can we make an agreement you will try to let us know how you are doing by that time?

How is your self care otherwise, are you having any time to yourself and fun things like watching movies, playing with your doggie daily, talking with offline people other than the psych, cooking, cleaning up, things like that?
Mostly thinking about self harm control and relationship you got as a means of that not consuming all of your life, if that makes sense.

 

[Sideways]

Mostly thinking about self harm control and relationship you got as a means of that not consuming all of your life, if that makes sense

Those sorts of things I’m tracking heaps better than I have been all year. Boss has me out of bed early, but sleeps during the day, and I’ve said that I have to ‘work’ 6 days a week. So, my place is super clean, going out to do my regular activities during the day is my reason to have time out, and doggo is getting heaps of loved-up quality time. I’m taking more care with things like eating, cleaning, personal hygiene, getting dressed smartly.

So, I think I’m still tracking ok. And using prn in the way my pdoc has prescribed. That’s something to be positive about.

Of course, the stuff is always in the back of my mind. If I’m wearing something it’s hard to stop noticing, if I’m not wearing something I’m s’posed to it’s almost as hard to stop noticing. I visited my grandfolks this morning as i always do each week and wasn’t wearing all the prescribed stuff. Mostly I was present for them, but I did check my phone nervously a couple of times because I felt like boss would somehow know i was out there breaking rules. But if that’s as bad as it gets, that’s pretty good.

 

[Sideways]

So, it’s all online. Pretty much everything. Close up pics and vids of everything.

Boss has a page set up on a fetish site where I pledge my obedience & gratitude and upload the stuff myself (consent reasons), and boss manages the site for me.

I should be concerned about that. I’m not. It’s not a surprise. If anything, it’s a surprise it’s taken this long for boss to decide it should all be online.

There’s shame issues going on, I’m sure. But for some reason my brain just thinks “Yup, that’s how it should be”. Maybe it’s actually ok that I’m not concerned. Idk. I feel tired.

 

[Ronin]

I think he is crossing the lines, honestly.

What is shared in private is not his to decide about posting online, definitely not pics of this nature.
(And I also think he lacks the respect and decency to BE a good boss / would end up fired as one but I am not you.)

 

[Abstract]

Can you take yourself right to the space in your mind when you met him and think of what you, individual, special, autonomous Sideways, had as boundaries and thoughts about what your life should and should not be. Meditate on it. Take yourself totally back there and try to rethink what is right for you.

In the past you had someone indoctrinate and brainwash you and ended up with Stockholm syndrome. You are no longer in that that place. You are in charge of your life as much as you can allow yourself. Cognitive dissonance is painful but not as painful as not taking charge of your life. If you truly want something and it is fine for you for the next 1000 days that is perfectly OK and is your choice. If it isn't and is about you giving up what you want, you etc then that is something to think of. Is all of you on board this and aware? I think that is really important too. Its all about honesty with ourselves which can be really hard and challenging to do.

 

[Sideways]

I think he is crossing the lines, honestly.

It doesn’t actually cross any of my stated limits: it’s not illegal, won’t require medical treatment...it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it, because it’s just a different level of humiliation, right?

This is the first day that my mood has gone down. I don’t know if it’s the online thing (one of my parts is concerned that’s an indication that I’ve lost control of the coping mechanism...but then, she doesn’t approve in the first place), or because there was only one task this morning and it was almost like an afterthought. I was doing a sex simulation thing, and had to go for 30minutes straight without orgasm. Orgasm control is a big thing, but for me, there was never any point where I was even remotely physically aroused. And that was it - “Good job, going to bed, ho hum”.

@Abstract - I know, from the rest of this year, that this isn’t what I want for my life. To the extent that I didn’t want it. I was massively disabled with my symptoms, but it’s never been “Yeah, I wanna be a sex slave for the rest of my life”.

I can’t say that at the moment. Not because I want it, but be because my head can’t seem to wire itself to put the words “I don’t want this” together. It’s hard to think about what I want - all I can really seem to think is “what is right for the person I am?” And that’s not based on a consideration of all my goals and aspirations or anything, it’s like an absolute truth. “This is who I am, this is what I must do”.

I think maybe part of my mood drop is that if boss gets bored and decides he’s done, the obligation is to move on to the next boss. Logical part interrupts at that point and suggests “Wouldn’t that be a great opportunity to stop?”. She’s not getting much of a look in though - she hasn’t experienced any of the symptoms we live with.

ETA: so stop thinking, stop doing, just for a while. Take some prn and sleep through it. That’s what the prn is there for. (That’s the logical part - Doc - she can be helpful sometimes).

 

[Abstract]

Those are good realisations Sideways. I guess its logical that on your anniversary you are back into finding it hard to take action in what YOU want in your life. Are you fully aware of what you are doing? Is all of you on board with this? Is the logical part the only part of you that is not on board and if so is the rest of you aware. If this part isn't managing to receive any listening space then why not. Is the part concerned a different part and are you being fair on them and giving them listening space. How can you make the internal evaluation of this more complete and fair.
You are taking steps which mean this is likely to be an ongoing thing. Would it be good to list a pro and con evaluation for this for you?

 

[Sideways]

Is all of you on board with this?

No.

I am taking care to try and keep the littles locked away so that they aren’t exposed to anything. There’s one part that is very much against the idea (Doc), but she’s also a diplomat and would rather try and get me through the situation as safely as possible because she knows if she puts her foot down she’s going to get shut out.

There’s a couple of parts that aren’t much interested either way. One would take an interest if it involved socialising (and she’d probably cause pure chaos) so I’m managing her by keeping it online.

The part that is taking the most management is the one that actually lived the 2 traumas that the anniversaries are for. She’s only continuing to let me stay in charge on the basis that I’m helping her work the emotional hurt out of her system. She’s aggressively sexual, and if she takes over, all bets are off and she will end up with me hospitalised - she doesn’t stop until someone forceably stops her. In her opinion, limits and boundaries are simply “That just sounds like a challenge, let me show you how just much nastier it can be”. We have a very tenuous relationship, and she has, in the past, done things that have been dangerous and traumatic just to put me in my place.

Actually, laying it out like that makes me feel a little better. The system is complicated, and there’s a few really opposing personalities that I’m trying to keep sufficiently onside not to have a break down.

So, it’s okay, right? I mean, so far I’m still safe, still in control, and on track to deal with stopping cold turkey on 5 Jan.

I’m going to have to tell my T something when I see her (next appt is the 8th) if it isn’t over by then. That will be write down dot points and just hand it over because I know I can’t say any of this out loud.

Thank you so much @Ronin and @Abstract . Again, I absolutely don’t expect anyone to be able to hang in with this because it’s pretty awful, but the help you’ve provided has just been immense. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you both.

Gonna switch off for while. Doggo seems to think it’s snuggle time and I think I agree:)

 

[Ronin]

it’s not illegal

Coulda well argue about that, re: your prior consent, and you being in the shape of mind TO make that consent decision, fully informed with what it does. Soo.

(And just because something is not illegal, does not mean it is not wrong, or hurtful, or ethically problematic as f*ck. From his side, I mean. The way I gathered his posting of your information online was pretty out of the blue and caught you off guard, even though you thought he might take that route before, you were still quite surprised and not pleasantly when he actually did it?)

won’t require medical treatment

Necessary psychiatric treatment to stabilize you because of a would be Dominant, that is a required treatment as well.

Just challenging the categoric view of those things, it is a lot more grey areas and blurred where I am standing.

she doesn’t approve in the first place

What does she say, or want you do, about this? :)

 

[Ronin]

don’t expect anyone to be able to hang in with this because it’s pretty awful

What? :D You checked the boards we are AT? :)
Not awful. Daily biz.

It is good you are posting, and no quitting for worries about awful, aye?
(YOU are not awful, nor is your life. I am appaled at the douches around you and worried FOR you, but that is not AT you or at what you are sharing, or at you for sharing it.)

 

[Sideways]

What does she say, or want you do, about this?

She’s into minimising the harm. She wanted me to let my pdoc know what was going on. Her preference would be for me to just stop completely, but she also plays a central role in keeping the system stable and communicating and she’s pretty concerned about the other part. She steps in periodically with telling me when it’s okay to break boss’ rules, and she’s big on getting me to use prn (because it makes me too tired to do anything).

I think she’s aware that overall we have better coping mechanisms that don’t cause this much damage. But at the same time, the part with the issues at the moment hasn’t had any therapy directed at her experiences, and is aware that historically, T’s have taken the attitude “She’s insane, put her in hospital” when she’s been out doing what she does in the past.

I’m thinking that maybe this will warrant a short inpatient stay at some point in the trauma unit at my pdoc’s hospital to work through some of this stuff. That’s something I could plan with my pdoc (rather than “You’re mad, you’re getting locked up”), and maybe be a way to prevent this being necessary next year. Maybe.

At the moment I’m just focusing on keeping things within reasonable limits. I feel reasonably level about stuff this morning so that’s a good sign! I’ve got stuff planned for this afternoon that just involves nice, regular functional stuff with me and doggo. There’s less than a week left, I think it’s gonna be ok.

 

[Teasel]

I’ve got stuff planned for this afternoon that just involves nice, regular functional stuff with me and doggo. There’s less than a week left, I think it’s gonna be ok.

Sounds good, well wishes :hug: