I'm crazy and they're right

[ILoveLife]

So... coming out of all the brainwashing, I've been stuck for months on this going back and forth.

I actually did have a psychotic episode due to drugs that ended a few years ago and I've recovered since, it consisted of delusions mostly, my abusers were the ones who helped me go to the hospital and stuff... it was a shitshow that proved them right in the gaslighting in my eyes.

For years, until I started chipping away this thought (last year, one year this month), I believed myself to be too crazy to be taken seriously or be worthy of a normal life. T's approaches have been weird, some furthering the belief, others making it worse by incompetence or pushing too hard, but this last T has been helpful in helping me put the pieces of the puzzle together in my own pace.

So, the issue is. I do not trust my mind, because I went through psychosis and on occasion I am reminded at home that I "sound psychotic again" whatever that means. I'm able to hold my ground and call bullshit on it, but the thought lingers in my head.
I go in and out of this thought every day, constantly. It gives me literal headaches.

On one hand, I read and hear myself and I don't think I'm crazy. On the other hand I always question if I'm the right person to discern that thought.
So people here and T keep telling me countless times that I'm doing things right, that I'm making sense, etc, but I never truly believe anyone, and it's exhausting.

Since my mom is in the hospital and I'm home alone, I've been thinking more and more that I'm saner than I give myself credit for.
Then I begin questioning it all over again, going back to the cycle.

Any input on how to leave the thought process behind would be incredibly helpful, I'm at my wits end with it.
I think validation helps, so thank you, but at the same time I do need some kind of tool to overcome this.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Sietz.. in my view crazy ppl., don't question whether or not they are crazy... they just think they are not and try to convince other's that they are the crazy one's.

Sorry for my use of the word crazy... I know some ppl are sensitive to it but it describes being completely out of control succinctly. No offence intended to anyone. :)

It's really hard to shake off an experience like you have described. Idk... have you ever considered that it's not that important bc you are actually functioning very well and if this is crazy or psychotic you are doing better than most?

You entered psychosis due to certain circumstances. You are unlikely to fall into back psychosis bc that isn't the nature of your condition is it? :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

don't question whether or not they are crazy

I think this is true. Everyone says so. T told me the reason I questioned if I was or not during my psychosis was because it was more of a dissociative episode than a pure psychotic episode. I think it was all the stress that just exploded, combined with drug binges.

No offence intended to anyone. :)

None taken, my liberal use of the word crazy is intendend because in my head it's prejorative towards myself.

have you ever considered that it's not that important bc you are actually functioning very well and if this is crazy or psychotic you are doing better than most?

No, I haven't considered this. Thank you!

You entered psychosis due to certain circumstances. You are unlikely to fall into back psychosis bc that isn't the nature of your condition is it? :hug:

Sort of. One of the reasons was continued and ongoing trauma, I'm currently not sure if I'm not in a traumatic situation still. Time will tell.

:hug: Thank you

 

[PreciousChild]

I'm sorry that I don't know this, @Sietz, but is your mom one of your abusers? I'm only on here episodically, so I don't know everyone's history well. I just wanted to say that being exposed to gaslighting and other dysfunctional dynamics is, in my mind, a huge deal that probably explains a lot. I remember visiting my family for Thanksgiving last year for the first time with a boyfriend in tow. He and I had problems, but I was grateful that I could tell him about feeling scapegoated by my siblings, and my past history with them. He made me feel so much better about it. My sister-in-law, in a moment of quiet, told me that in her decade of knowing me, she'd never seen me smile. She said I always looked angry, so she thought that was me all the time. My son acts pretty quiet and aloof around them too. If I had to be around my family all the time, I would be quite miserable and questioning my sanity. It's hard enough to gain a sense of self that all of us deserve when our realities were distorted and twisted. So in a sick way, it seems like the twisted reality is the truth and the one we aspire to be is the falsehood. If my effort to restore/construct my true/aspirational self was constantly under attack, that would make things really, really hard.

 

[Sideways]

If you think you might still be stuck in a traumatic situation, taking charge of fixing that may be the priority? Dealing with problematic thoughts would probably be a second to that?

These thoughts (unhelpfully encouraged by people saying incredibly disrespectful things like “You’re acting psychotic again”...wtf!?) have probably become almost habitual now, right?

If the thoughts are being triggered (by situations pr emotions), you’d deal with the trigger. If they’ve become habitual (your brain goes there almost as a matter of routine), then getting your T to help you with some thought diffusion might be helpful. It’s retraining the brain to stop engaging X thought process, and teaching it to take new pathways, and have engage thoughts instead.

 

[Justmehere]

I believed myself to be too crazy to be taken seriously or be worthy of a normal life.

It's two thoughts that I will sum up this way:
1.) "I'm too crazy"
2.) "I'm unworthy"

Do you define someone else being worthy of being taken seriously or having a good life on the basis of someone having a mental health problem or not?

I don't. You are worthy of a normal life. A good life. You have value. Period.

Frankly, I think it is a healthy sign that your thinking is not agreeable to abusers. One doesn't want to aim for thoughts that are in agreement with abusers as a sign of mental health.

 

[ILoveLife]

but is your mom one of your abusers?

She has abusive behaviors sometimes, but she's not particularly abusive as some of my abusers. I can be minimizing, but I do think that right now she's just a pain in the ass, more than an abuser.

almost habitual now, right?

Not really. A lot of things happened between the actual abuse and the post-abuse phases in our relationship. One of those things was me recovering from mental issues, in that process people around me (friends, immediate and extended family) came to think of me as "a person with mental illness", that joint with me being the scapegoat for all family problems (I kinda realized some are still stuck in that, but most are out of that mindset, I fought my way out of being the scapegoat and succeeded), so it's fairly easy for them to see me as sliding back to old patterns, or what they consider old patterns connected to mental issues. Combined with ignorance about mental health, stigma and lack of insight, that's kinda the reality. I'm not sure I'm explaining this properly. Read more below to understand where I'm at right now.

It’s retraining the brain to stop engaging X thought process, and teaching it to take new pathways, and have engage thoughts instead.

This is what I've been doing, with T and here. I'll get there! ;)

Do you define someone else being worthy of being taken seriously or having a good life on the basis of someone having a mental health problem or not?

No I don't. I think you know that.

Frankly, I think it is a healthy sign that your thinking is not agreeable to abusers.

Thank you.

My family and people around me witnessed me go through a very serious psychotic episode, it was very difficult to deal with not only for me, for them and everyone else who crossed my path at the time.
The most traumatizing part of it all was the psychiatrists at the time diagnosing me with schizophrenia and telling me I should accept I would have a serious mental illness all my life. They medicated me with insane amounts of antipsychotics, refused therapy, refused to acknowledge my trauma, didn't believe me when I pressed the issue.
I'm not sure I really entirely believe myself to be "crazy" nor do I entirely believe myself to be sane either. I have sane behaviors, and deal with my life well and appropriately. When life is stressful and my ptsd dysregulates, I go to unhealthy patterns. One of those is having the belief I'm insane and telling myself that outloud.
This never happened before the initial misdiagnosis.

Last year, actually one year ago in ten days, I was "free" from all diagnoses (I was at the time diagnosed with bipolar disorder, OCD, and a bunch of other things), I called my sisters to them I no longer had diagnoses and they screamed that I'm schizophrenic, that my pdoc sucks, that I should just go back to the initial doctor who diagnosed me with schizophrenia, and that they would find him for me and set up an appointment. I went VLC with them, NC with one, VLC with the other, and our relationship hasn't improved since. So, I went to my pdoc and asked what she thought, she said she sees no signs of anything, PTSD stayed on hold due to it's cyclical nature.
I was doing well at the time, my only PTSD symptom was nightmares, I wasn't stressed or anxious, and was doing a bunch of stuff, actually living.

Then a very stressful period happened, I had a huge amount of debt to pay in a really short time, had to move apartments, my cat got very sick, lost some friends, well, shit happened, and PTSD dysregulated intensely, so I went back to feeling bananas and telling myself that. I had a lousy T at the time too.
I couldn't leave the house, was afraid of the mailman, was afraid of my couch for some reason. Didn't feel safe anywhere.
So, I came back here and with help from the folks here I found myself a new T and through exposure therapy, processing trauma (which I hadn't done before) and parts work, I was able to resume functionality, go back to college and work at the same time.

Last month T said I have all the tools necessary and know how to work through things myself, and that leaves going to T a pointless exercise in validation, but she knows I have little support in my life, so she's always open to receiving me when I feel I need to go there.

Ending trauma therapy is difficult, because we're left with accepting all that shit happened.
I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm actually okay, hence this issue of feeling too crazy to be okay, how can I possibly be okay after all that happened to me? and shit like that.

I dunno if putting it in context helps, but I'm trying to overcome this issue. It hinders my social life, I isolate because of it too.
I'm pushing through and doing what I can to feel safe inside myself, but it's a long process. I'm used to instant gratification from previous substance abuse, so these are things I work on and the work is going ok.

Hence me asking for tools.
Thought difusion is a wonderful too, thank you @Sideways.

 

[shimmerz]

I've been thinking more and more that I'm saner than I give myself credit for.
Then I begin questioning it all over again, going back to the cycle.

To me that is a conflict. Huge. I went through this same thing when the flashbacks started jamming me and I had no frame of reference for them. The back and forth nature of trying to figure out if I was batshit crazy or not was feeding into my feelings of crazy.

So I stuck with the thought that was of the highest and best good for myself to see how that would work out. I worked on the assumption that I was NOT crazy and that there was a reason I was feeling/acting the way I was. I used curiosity as my tool. I was 'curious' as to what the truth was underneath these fascinating behaviours.

Just my reframing my intentions (curiosity/fascination/truth seeking) for understanding my behaviours, really put a stop to the 'I am crazy' stuff bouncing around in my head. The dualistic nature of those two opposing thoughts were what was actually sending me over the deep end. I kept swinging around in a bi-polarish fashion until I determined that I would only allow myself to entertain thoughts that were in my highest good.

 

[grit]

So... coming out of all the brainwashing, I've been stuck for months on this going back and forth.

I actually did have a psychotic episode due to drugs that ended a few years ago and I've recovered since, it consisted of delusions mostly, my abusers were the ones who helped me go to the hospital and stuff... it was a shitshow that proved them right in the gaslighting in my eyes.

For years, until I started chipping away this thought (last year, one year this month), I believed myself to be too crazy to be taken seriously or be worthy of a normal life. T's approaches have been weird, some furthering the belief, others making it worse by incompetence or pushing too hard, but this last T has been helpful in helping me put the pieces of the puzzle together in my own pace.

So, the issue is. I do not trust my mind, because I went through psychosis and on occasion I am reminded at home that I "sound psychotic again" whatever that means. I'm able to hold my ground and call bullshit on it, but the thought lingers in my head.
I go in and out of this thought every day, constantly. It gives me literal headaches.

On one hand, I read and hear myself and I don't think I'm crazy. On the other hand I always question if I'm the right person to discern that thought.
So people here and T keep telling me countless times that I'm doing things right, that I'm making sense, etc, but I never truly believe anyone, and it's exhausting.

Since my mom is in the hospital and I'm home alone, I've been thinking more and more that I'm saner than I give myself credit for.
Then I begin questioning it all over again, going back to the cycle.

Any input on how to leave the thought process behind would be incredibly helpful, I'm at my wits end with it.
I think validation helps, so thank you, but at the same time I do need some kind of tool to overcome this.

I do not think you are crazy at all. I think you do not a single person you can trust outside of therapist.
Few times I tried to challenge you on your chosen defenses but you are not open understandably.

No one in the world is able to create a reality only they know... Reality is external and only real because it is shared.

I think you are struggling and that is ok too but honestly having your mom a major obstacle as well is not helping.

I think take a risk in true friendship where you bring little more of you the real you not the one still pleading mother and therapist and you may start a bit richer life.

 

[ILoveLife]

Can't afford to leave @grit. Constantly telling me I need to leave doesn't help my current situation.

But I hear you. I know my current situation is a problem for me. Thanks.

 

[blackemerald1]

Is it that you don't know when you are no longer in the 'non crazy' range or do you still harbour doubts?

 

[ILoveLife]

Is it that you don't know when you are no longer in the 'non crazy' range or do you still harbour doubts?

I've come to terms with sanity :laugh: Lol, it's hard though. I've been the odd duck out and the insane one for so long that it kinda morphed into my identity.

This recent situation of my mom almost dying and going to the hospital, and the sanity I had in dealing with it, the amount of responsibility I took to myself and th self-care I've been doing - and not going bezerk with stress -, helped me see I'm much saner than I usually give myself credit for.

I think there's also a component of "I've been clinically insane before, I can go back there if I'm not careful" - which isn't really helped by my environment, but the boundaries I've been putting up seem to keep the stress cup from overflowing, which is okay.

It's still a balancing act, but I'll get there. It's not something that will be solved overnight, but baby steps in combat boots.