I'm crazy and they're right

[blackemerald1]

but baby steps in combat boots

Oh definitely!! :hilarious:

I think once we have had a dose of psychosis etc., we always feel like it is never a impossibility that it may return. Unlike ppl who have never had any mental illness or that type of illness that cannot comprehend that it is indeed possible.

But at the same time, is it likely? How likely is it that you may return to that crazy mental state? I'd probably say highly unlikely for two reasons. Firstly you are very aware of the indications and would take steps to prevent in progressing and secondly the reasons you went crazy now, no longer exist - do they?

The other aspect is a little harder to deal with and that's other ppls perceptions of us, having been crazy and now not crazy, but they have such long memories and at least to me, sometimes attributing or perceiving ordinary emotional and mental ups and downs to craziness rather than just being a human being in not ideal circumstances from time to time.

 

[ILoveLife]

The back and forth nature of trying to figure out if I was batshit crazy or not was feeding into my feelings of crazy.

Yep, this has been the issue.

So I stuck with the thought that was of the highest and best good for myself to see how that would work out.

This helped so much, Shimmerz, thank you. I can work with this for sure.

Sorry for the late reply, been with the flu.

we always feel like it is never a impossibility that it may return. Unlike ppl who have never had any mental illness or that type of illness that cannot comprehend that it is indeed possible.

Yes, this is a factor. Anxiety doens't help either. I start questioning my sanity at minimal stuff, but I have learned how to surf the web to look for reasons of SANITY rather than confirmation of insanity :D Progress for sure.

is it likely?

Depends. Me and pdoc have gone through the list of what might trigger another, if ever. Pregnancy, grief, further trauma. It's not just the drugs.
Recently, since starting this thread, I've been analysing myself and the things I thought were remainers of psychosis but are in fact very common and (dare I say?) normal thought processes. Came with a relief that these are just reactions, and with that understanding, some memories of me always being this way came forth, plus the notion that people without psychosis have it too. So, that was good.

other ppls perceptions of us, having been crazy and now not crazy, but they have such long memories and at least to me, sometimes attributing or perceiving ordinary emotional and mental ups and downs to craziness rather than just being a human being in not ideal circumstances from time to time.

This is the whole issue for me.
I've just wrote in my diary about my need to please my mother, and how that's kinda a reflex for me since psychosis.
It's kinda twisted in knots. On one hand, my family (primarily sisters more than mother) see me as this huge insane f*ck up of a person, while others rely on me to be the "sane voice" and "sane buffer"... so that conflict brings me to question if my perceived reality is accurate, which leads me to remember that it once wasn't, which then leads me to think that we can't escape all delusions and be completely sane all the time, which brings me anxiety over insanity, and the cycle goes round and round.
Shimmerz really nailed it there, the whole cycle is the crazy inducing thing here :D

 

[blackemerald1]

so that conflict brings me to question if my perceived reality is accurate,

So this is why evaluating your own mental health or lack of on the basis of someone who has lets say biased ideas towards you anyway, or doesn't really understand all the incredible nuances and variances with what might be normal or not normal.. is fraught with peril.

Better to rely or gauge your saneness etc., with someone who has no vested interest in you being either way except for your well being.

I'm not sure if you ever will shrug of the self-checking pattern. I cannot.

 

[ILoveLife]

Better to rely or gauge your saneness etc., with someone who has no vested interest in you being either way except for your well being.

Yep. I've been surrouding myself with people who "see me" lately. One thing before this whole hospital thing was that I thought I didn't have anyone around who really saw me or loved me. When she went to the hospital, lots of people flocked around me full of appreciation for my self, not my mask. People who have known me since I was born, so they know some of the stuff that happened. And that helped a lot in this new stepping stone of trusting my sanity. Had to go through "oh my god, they're all wrong" thing first.
I think I was surrouding myself with the unnappreciative so I could prove them wrong, you know? Don't want to do that anymore.

I'm not sure if you ever will shrug of the self-checking pattern. I cannot.

I sincerely hope not, b. It helps me a lot to question myself, never take myself too seriously. Helps keep denial at bay too.

Thanks a lot for all your great insight, really. You're really helping.

 

[grit]

Can't afford to leave @grit. Constantly telling me I need to leave doesn't help my current situation.

But I hear you. I know my current situation is a problem for me. Thanks.

I hope you are feeling over the hump. I was not constantly telling you to leave. I was attempting you see you'd mother as human as you mentioned in your other post. See her human like you a d struggling since you want to live with her.

It is your adult choice to live with her. She needs you as much as you do. The blind spot is you want to deny your adulthood... This is my take.

You do not need to leave but you also cannt afford forever obligated by her and feel she can decide your reality as if you are 6 yrs old.

She will pass one day. Take this opportunity to heal your natural narsistic side of you are the driver in this train not her. This may it feel natural but it is a real development path you are somewhat stunned at.

She needs you more and you are operating you need her more... No wonder you struggle every look she gives you.
One of you need a real change and it will not be her.

I wish you the best.

 

[Mach123]

It just sounds stuck to me. My therapist says this all the time that I'm stuck. What you are writing is how it feels. We lived with her mother then we nursed her through Alzheimer's and we had our two children now adults who are so handicapped and poverty so, I get it. Even now I could run down the list so I guess my thinking is different too. Most of that stuff is still wrong only less so. It has a lot to do with how we are, the subconscious plays it out. I have not had to deal with anyone and their nonsense except people I love so I can make an effort with them. Our relationship is based in trauma but in part it works we have each other. So I'm still crazy but it's not as bad?

 

[Ronin]

It is also possible to look at it like:

Even if you were crazy (not that I believe that)? That still does not make them right.
Does not give anyone the right to shove it down your throat.
There is a line between crazy, and crazy (abusive) psycho.
I am fairly sure being the latter is worse than just the crazy.

 

[ILoveLife]

(not that I believe that)

:hug: This is reassuring, thank you.

That still does not make them right.

True facts cannot be dismissed.

Does not give anyone the right to shove it down your throat.
There is a line between crazy, and crazy (abusive) psycho.

There was the belief that I'm evil (deserving of bad things, etc), which kinda made this you said "but that's me!!!" you know? I still feel it a little.

just the crazy.

Ha! Yeah. Reasonable amount of insanity.
Was sitting at a café last week people watching. A guy passed by rolling in an invented hoverboard, made of wood, listening to music and singing to himself. Then another one passed in a monocycle saying hi to random people. Then a woman passed having a discussion with herself. Then a lady sat on the table next to me talking on the phone, explaining how she arranged her chairs in the perfect way and if her mother touched the arrangment there would be trouble when she got home. I laughed a bit at my perceived normality and insanity.
Obviously, psychosis isn't exactly an acceptable insanity, but that's why I take meds.

 

[Ronin]

I laughed a bit at my perceived normality and insanity.

I bet you they ALL are sane and well, though.
(That first guy was into chilling out, and even singing. The other one was into greeting strangers and loving on them so much. The woman had an enlightening lot of ideas, and if someone else overhears, that is all okaay, not like we are onto hurting anyone. The one with the chair and momma were even talking about what their definition of trouble is like: not the kind of trouble that makes one afraid at the mere thought of it, no, the kind of trouble you would joke with strangers about.)

Aand I kind of want to go the route: And if in doubt?
I would take the question of insanity to the therapist of Scout86, as an academic thing if he is retired and all. :)

A wide world, of normal.
A wide one of crazy, too.

 

[ILoveLife]

I bet you they ALL are sane and well, though.

Yes! That's what I mean. They were all incredibly happy and okay with life. If that's not sanity, I do not know what is.
(given, the chairs woman was angry at the prospect of the chairs being moved, BUT she did end her meal with chocolate cake, and we all know that solves any grievances) :)

 

[mumstheword]

You are pretty amazing and together @Seitz.

I think most humans engage in some cogntive distortions, maybe all, so identifying and just being aware when they crop up helps us out of "crazyland" an ongoing and necessary process, IMO.

I mean what is "crazy" ? Would it help to dissect what that is?

My own personal? Delusions, distortions, lack of self love and self understanding, excessive and ungrounded fears and being run by them, looping, habitual self-defeating thought patterns, unhealthy obsessions and neural/sensory overload can all play a part in what people define as "crazy". Then there is neurodiversity, gut and endocrine inbalances, toxic overload and nutritional deficiencies, and probably other and more stuff I've neglected to mention or don't know about.

Then there's gaslighting; manipulative ploys to usurp us of personal power and self determination, based on hypnotic, "future commands" faulty premises other's insist we buy into, and outright, shady, wrongheaded lying, fearmongering, abuse, etc, and that shit is rampant, so "crazymaking" is definitely a thing to be on the lookout for.

Plenty of stuff we judge ourselves for is just erroneous beliefs and that can certainly contribute to "crazy" feeling and thinking, as you well know.

I think learning how to discern and gauge the difference between trustworthy people and what they are "selling" you is an important part of uncrazymaking ourselves.

Listen to your gut instincts. Be kind to yourself, embrace critical and truly scientific thinking (evidence, evidence, evidence!!!).

YOU know YOURSELF better than anyone, so you are the best guage, next step, trustworthy sources.

You are doing amazingly, I reckon @Seitz, more power to you. It's a mad world (in soooooo many ways) and you are trying to make sense of it and be part of "ensaning" the world (sorry, yes I made that up, it's a cheeky habit of mine) so no, I DON'T think you are crazy, even if not every idea you carry around is right (after all who is right about everything?).

You are a highly intelligent, compassionate, considerate, tolerant, courageous, hardworking, pragmatic, caring, sensitive woman, is the impression I get; far from "crazy".

 

[ILoveLife]

Hi mumssss I miss you !! :hug:

Thanks, I trust your judgement of me :hug: