Self Harm Feedback

[Sideways]

Are you safe / okay in the meantime?

Yeah. I can’t afford to need medical treatment, so if boss asks for something that will put me in that situation, past experience is a good indicator that I’ll stop & cut contact for good.

The rest of the stuff is just sexual humiliation & degradation, which is all fine. Can’t be any worse than shit I’ve dealt with in the past. And it’s all on kik, so there’s no physical threat to my person.

I think maybe the issue (according to rational diplomatic part) is that there’s obviously still a bug in the system. I evidently haven’t deprogrammed from my abuse like I thought I had. And that depressing because it makes me wonder if I ever actually will, you know?

I did tell my T that this forum was my biggest support between sessions & it had really held me together. So as much as it’s shameful writing about it, I think it’s helpful.

I’m gonna take some prn, which will probably make me sleep, but may help get me grounded as well.

 

[Ronin]

that there’s obviously still a bug in the system.

Bugs in the system can be seen as a good thing though.
They are letting you know that there are improvements needed, (which is a good thing to know), that there are vulnerabilities (which is also good to be aware of), that some wanted course of action may not be doable (hi, bug) and to modify some actions, or switch to something else where that bug will not play a big role... So all around informers? Keeping of past errors AND successes (we got thiiis far on that thing, and then the bug.)

I could well say Fully deprogrammed (Whatever that is supposed to be) is a fully drone not aware of their history, again. I mean like, of course your life and past reactions shape you some way. And of course they will. That is just having lived your life. Ain’t a goal to somehow pretend you have not, or act as if you have not. You have, and that you lived through all that and got through? There is strength in that, and so much more. Not at all bad. Not something to get rid of.

Sleep tight. :)

 

[Justmehere]

The rest of the stuff is just sexual humiliation & degradation, which is all fine.

Well, no, not really. It's not "fine." You deserve to be treated with kindness.

I have my own self harm habits I'm fighting. The battle is tough. :hug:

 

[Abstract]

I evidently haven’t deprogrammed from my abuse like I thought I had. And that depressing because it makes me wonder if I ever actually will, you know?

I don't think it needs to be all or nothing. You have obviously done a lot of good work on it. Sometimes life just shows us the next steps we need to take. You do deserve to be free enough in your self that you can make choices that are self caring and what you Sideways really want. And to feel OK about them.

 

[Sideways]

Boss has been controlling what I’m allowed to wear at home since day 1. At first, Boss simply had to approve my proposed outfit, which I wore with a dog collar. Then it was reduced to black singlet, black panties and collar, which went down to black bra, panties and collar. Always I’ve had to stay ‘stuffed’, even when going out.

I’m now only allowed black panties and dog collar at all times when at home. Thing is, when I walk in the door, I drop my clothes before I even drop my handbag. The concept of putting on clothes, or taking off the dog collar, even when I know boss is asleep, freaks me out.

This has become my new normal. I feel like I should be concerned about it, but I feel calm as long as I’m being obedient. I’m not allowed clothes at home. It feels like that’s exactly how it should be.

The tasks boss has upped the ante. I’m keeping a daily record now, just so I know for later where it went. I can’t write about them here - some of them are getting stomach-turning.

 

[Ronin]

How did you break away from this mindset (that it is as should be and alright, and so on) before, Sideways?

What helped you realize it maybe feels alright, but is not helping much (and teaches you/reinforces already taught, things that are not right, about how you manage to handle your life, who your body and decisions about it belong to, etc.)?

 

[Justmehere]

You posted this thread looking for reassurance that it’s ok to keep up what you’ve called self harm (and is) and are hiding from your therapist. You’ve gotten pretty consistent responses that it would be good to reduce these behaviors because of how they reinforce the messages and programming from the abuse.

Boss has been controlling what I’m allowed to wear at home since day 1.

Have you thought about if this is healthy for him? I don’t believe it is healthy for him to have this power in another person’s life. It is reinforcing to him it’s ok to treat another this way. But that’s my opinion. What do you think?

 

[FauxLiz]

@Sideways I have been reading this thread and I am sorry I haven't written before. I have engaged in self-harm behaviors very similarly to the behaviors you have and are engaging. For many years it was my way of taking back control of my life by choosing whom to give that power and control to. After years of engaging in submissive behaviors I relocated for work and went through the process of attempting to find a new dominant things were going well until we me in person. In just a few minutes he destroyed me in ways that I can't even explain without giving a command or ever touching me. I hope that you never endure such shame, humiliation and pain as that man brought to me that day.

I understand the control and freedom that you feel by relinquishing your control to someone else I am just afraid that if you don't accept that you have already gone beyond your planned boundaries for terminating contact and value yourself enough to put those boundaries back you will end up traumatized again as I was and I do not want that to happen to anyone.

 

[Sideways]

I spent most of yesterday with my Grandad. My nan went into hospital last week, and they’re thinking maybe she’s too far along to go back home to him (they’re both 93).

My mum and uncle are fighting about whether to put nan in a care facility, and my Grandad is heartbroken. I seem to be the only one he trusts enough to talk to about it, and yesterday he just cried and cried. No one else sees that side of him.

Now, it’s like I have this thing that I come home to and its controlled by someone else and it makes sense and it makes me stop thinking. About everything. Except what boss wants.

It’s not an okay way to cope. I need to extract myself. I just feel like when I do that, there’s gonna be a wreck on the otherside that I can’t put back together. And I don’t want to end up back in an eternal hospital admission, not again. Especially not with my mum and Grandad in such a fragile place.

I have therapy tomorrow. Maybe that will help.

 

[Abstract]

So sorry about your nan.

Maybe if there wasn't the context of the past for you engaging in this wouldn't be so dangerous. Slippery slopes are real things. You have been fighting hard to take back ownership of your life. Giving that up for a bit is inevitably going to let old thoughts and behaviours find space. I doubt you can let one thing in without the rest; even if this wasn't self harming.

I have done some nasty variations of the usual types of self harm so understand the double edged sword of: temporary relief but whilst reinforcing messages about yourself that are really harmful, replaying trauma and potentially retraumatising yourself, and reinforcing self focused behaviour that is abusive and unkind rather than loving, self affirming, and recovery focused. I don't think we can ever get around the negative affects of that. The way to recover is learning to be as kind and loving to ourselves as other people have NOT treated us. Escape from reality and life tends to just lead to more pain longer term. Letting old damaging stuff = more pain longer term. Its very hard in the moment but very important to remember. Making decisions for yourself is understandably uncomfortable but the alternative can only lead to more and more pain and dysfunction.

Good luck with therapy. I hope you can be fully honest with them. For your sake. Then its about you deciding what is good and bad for you and finding a way through that. Hope it goes well..

 

[Ronin]

there’s gonna be a wreck on the otherside that I can’t put back together.

You pulled back together already, many times, though.
That something is anticipated terrible... does not mean it will be terrible.

And you also managed to quit on this boss fella already, right on your schedule. It is doing it again, you managed already.

Can your therapist help you any with everything that is making this quitting difficult / that pulls you back in? I mean, obviously that is a lot of things that may be hard to fit in a session, but at least tackle what you most need in it.

((Sideways)).