Other DDNOS - Faking??

[Friday]

Month - years? - ago someone commented to me that eventually I'd have to make my mind up. But how? How do I work out whether I'm keeping the emotional stuff "over there", away from me, or whether I'm malingering?

I can’t remember if you’ve looked at the faking/malingering//undeserving thought streams as a function of avoidance or survival or both?

***

Spoiler: Me stuff, if useful have at, if not no worries.

I’m splitting the two just from personal experience with “I’m fine.” <<< My personal 9.9 on the subjective units of distress scale. Sometimes I’m fine because I actually believe I am (I’m not, I’ve learned I never use those 2 words when I’m actually fine, they’re my personal 3 second fuse / 1 minute to midnight/ DefCon2/ Hail Mary warning signs if I’m paying attention) ... other times “I’m fine.” Because I need to be.

The first one is almost pure avoidance. I honestly believe I’m fine in the moment. Nothing else matters and nothing I’ve ever experienced is capable of contradicting it. It’s wholly self-protective, and goes waaaaay beyond denial, although that’s a piece of it. When “I’m fine” I’m capable of anything, and nothing can stop me. (You may notice the cognitive distortions in this ;)). Everything I cannot deal with is tabled. Thoughts, emotions, consequences, all neatly sidestepped. Probably one very small step away from delusional, and definitely deep in disassociation of a few types, it allows me to be exactly as I need to be. It’s not putting on a brave face, or stiff upper lip, although other people have confused it with that... thinking I’m being tough. Nope. I may be dying, but I’m not letting that on for others benefit (done that in spades, and that is being strong), but because I actually believe it. Later, I can do a more rational assessment, but not in the moment.

The second one? Is an attempt to reach that place. To BE fine, even though I most definitely know I’m not, I need to be, so I’m forcing it. It’s just as subconscious as the first one.

To give an example of types...

1) Avoidance. if someone is trying to get me to go to A&E? I’ll think they’re nuts. I have no reason to go to A&E. (Your leg is broken). What? Ok. I guess it is. I mean I knew that. I tied it up didn’t I? No more bleeding. Well. Not a lot. Still don’t need to go, I’m perfectly fine. (I have literally had this argument, compound fracture. I can even strap up my leg, because it’s slowing me down and making me puke every time the bone grates on itself, but honestly not see it as a problem worth stopping what I’m doing, much less waste anyone else’s time on). When forced to go to A&E, I will be embarrassed and apologetic, because seriously, I’m fine. It doesn’t matter how many other people are like “Your leg is broken. Really broken. That’s a big deal.” It makes as much logical sense to me as being out of strawberry jam or stone ground mustard being a big deal. It’s not. The artery is on the other side, I live in a country with clean water and antibiotics to hand so infection is unlikely, sure it’s painful, & there’s damage that will take some time to heal, but I’m not going to die from it, or need it off, or anything. So c’mon. It’s just a broken leg. It’s not an emergency. I’m not going to die if I don’t drop everything and go for it looked at. They won’t even be able to cast it until the swelling goes down in a few days, stop making such a fuss. I’m so so sorry I’m wasting your time, doctor. Please, see anyone who actually needs help. I’m fine. <<< I know exactly where this comes from, it comes from a place of having much bigger problems, so all the “little” stuff, the stuff that’s not actually going to kill me right this minute, gets tabled. I’ll deal with the little stuff, the non lethal stuff later. Which leads me to my next point. Because these two things start to blend.

2) Survival. If I’m laying on the ground in screaming blinding pain because I just broke my leg? I’m usually not screaming. I’m usually repeating over and over and over I’m Fine I’m Fine I’m Fine I’m Fine I’m Fine I’m Fine through gritted teeth and barely above a whisper (quiet, always always be as quiet as possible when weak/injured/exposed don’t let anyone know how bad it is < one of my core beliefs). Not because I am fine. Because I need to be. I need to stop writhing on the floor and DIG DEEP and suck it up, and assess the injury, and stop the bleeding / stabilize the bone, and and and and. <<< It has never in my adult life occurred to me that someone else could do this / yell for help, wait for help, etc.. Largely, because when I really f*ck myself over I’m usually either alone, or I didn’t f*ck myself over it was someone else, so I not only have to sort myself pronto, but also deal with that person. Preferably without dying. So it creates this split, of where I actually am (f*cked, completely f*cked) and where I need to be (fine, I need to be fine)... so I start pushing everything that is too big, everything that is f*cking me over into a box. Cut it off from myself. There. The f*cked over mess is in a box. Me? I’m fine. ...and you guessed it, that leads me right back to the first example. The worse off I actually am? The more fine I make myself, until I believe it. Because it’s true. And it is. (Sort of, not really, but mental splitting is hard on language).

***

I picked a physical example of a broken leg, but these 2 pieces simply exist across all of everything in my life. Not a cognitive distortion. Fundamentally how I operate.

Knowing I do that? Doesn’t actually stop me from doing it. But it DOES let me act differently. Because I know that if “I’m fine” has become part of my vocabulary I’m either in avoidance, or survival mode, or more commonly both which each feeding into the other. So it lets me listen to my instincts, without being a slave to them. Okay. I’m in avoidance/survival mode. How do I work around that? ((Hint: Not by looking for proof for/against being fine.))

 

[Sandstone]

It wasn't really quiet and calm internally. It was like raging chaos trapped in quietness and unrealness. With a whole lot of internal war going on

That's a good description. T keeps saying that she wishes she could get inside my head,to understand what it us like there. I tell her that she wouldn't enjoy it. Then I wonder if I'm manufacturing the "differences" I describe.
I'm often surprised that things I think normal are described as signs of dissociation.

it may not be real for now, but it will be real in a bit

Yes, I take the view that I decided to set out along this path, and so I will continue until a strong enough reason to change course has presented itself. Yet that could be passivity- if I'm so suspicious of myself and my motives, perhaps I should move away from therapy, and from this claim of a mental illness.

All of it was authentic and I wish I hadn't spent so much time trying to make up a story about how much of a faking asshole I was.

I don't think I'm making up a story. I think I am faking. And I think perhaps I'm not faking. I also think that I'm at my most functional when I believe I am faking, so perhaps that would be the belief that offers me the best chance of a fuller life.

If it is a consistent reaction to that word

No, it isn't a consistent reaction. I have self control. I know that I am uncomfortable in any situation where I can't see the way out, and if I'm to be put under any sort of pressure I will be calmer and function better if the door is open. However , I also know that I was never trapped, locked up or imprisoned, so this seems likely to be something I have manufactured.

 

[Sandstone]

a function of avoidance

I don't think it is avoidance, because I have always known about my traumas. I just wasn't so much affected by them. I enjoyed thirty years of functional life. Now I'm not functional. but I suspect that is more about laziness and cowardice than genuine distress. But again, how do I test that? I also think that I am only as stable as I am - out of crisis, non-suicidal, doing some basic domestic tasks - because I am isolated and avoidant of life. It is safest to stick with that view. It is most cowardly to stick with that view.



I raised it with T - she says she didn't doubt the truth of my reaction. She says I'm not very well integrated. But that is what I have been projecting to a succession of T's, so that is how I would present.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Oh, I relate to all of that a lot. For me personally I can look back and I see it as a trauma and denial symptom. A symptom of the dissociation. I am not in therapy so who knows what would happen if I went back in but this stuff has improved for me and as a result I can look at myself more clearly. It wasn't really quiet and calm internally. It was like raging chaos trapped in quietness and unrealness. With a whole lot of internal war going on that is hard to put into words. I suspect you need to approach by just putting one foot in front of the other until the chaos starts easing. I'm sure someone else has better ideas. But do sympathise.

Your words- internal war- resonate. Working towards inner communication. All I can say now is that therapy is terribly challenging.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think it is avoidance, because I have always known about my traumas.

The avoidance criteria isn’t just in regards to the actual trauma. Avoidance can manifest itself in many ways. The fact that you’ve always known about your trauma doesn’t negate the avoidance issue. The truth is that most people are aware of their traumas. That is, the avoidance issue doesn’t pop up only for those who have suppressed memories (which is what I think you’re getting at?)

 

[Sandstone]

I was replying to Friday's question

I can’t remember if you’ve looked at the faking/malingering//undeserving thought streams as a function of avoidance

It's not the trauma, but my response to it that I think may be manufactured. Since I have always known about traumas that spanned the first fifteen years of my life, I find it hard to believe that they can now be having so great an impact. How on earth can there have been so great a change?

 

[Ronin]

How on earth

Capacity for stress as one gets older, other immune issues and issues with aging as getting older, new trauma and stressors piling up, less patience for bullshit as is.... a lot of things that could make it harder to deal even with very old and Too Long Ago things, now.

 

[scout86]

I find it hard to believe that they can now be having so great an impact. How on earth can there have been so great a change?

Perhaps because now it's safe to deal with it? (Safeish anyway.) The whole point of ignoring the broken leg is to get you out of THAT situation and in to one where it's safe to let down your guard and properly address the injury. (If your brain isn't working quite right, ever noticing you're not actually fine gets to be a problem.)

How many actual malingerers do you think actually worry about whether or not they're malingering? And beat themselves up for doing it? I don't think that actually happens.

 

[Reflections]

laziness and cowardice than genuine distress

I think "laziness" and "cowardice" are means of coping with or avoiding distress. It can be a form of self sabotage.

I personally will be lazy or what I'd call lazy. I tried to consider what laziness would be without avoidance being part of the behavior and... I don't think it works.

Could the reactions just feel manufactured? The brain often comes up with weird logic to explain disconnection or dissonance. There are a lot of times I feel like I'm faking reactions or feelings or parts, because it doesn't feel real and/or it's not an issue most of the time. Thinking about it, I've always been super controlling of my behavior and feelings. I think I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself things didn't affect me.

My therapist asks me if my disbelief is part of the process of accepting it (reactions, feelings, parts). Knowing what I know about acceptance and the 5 stages and dissociation, I think it is.

I find it hard to believe that they can now be having so great an impact. How on earth can there have been so great a change?

I get it being hard to believe. I find though kids are more strong and resilient than us adults. We don't give them enough credit. I find there are stressors and abuse I can no longer tolerate that I once did as a child. My ability to use old coping just doesn't work as well or I have too much too cope with now. There are non-abuse things I can't tolerate that I use to be able to tolerate. I think it's everything Ronin said. I found with each passing year everything got a littler harder, motivation got staler, concentration became duller, my memory grew foggier. I think the issues we never dealt with just get heavier as time rolls on. Even if the abusive is gone the grief and feelings are still their. I found when adversity hit and new abusers appeared, I crumpled. I don't think it gets easier with time, unless we have healthy ways to cope.

 

[Keen]

Just so you know, @Sandstone , there are many of us in the same boat, worried we are faking our DID or OSDD/DDNOS. Denial is easier because it feels more in control to believe we are making it up than to feel out-of-control that we actually have this condition that is so disruptive. Self-blame is easier. But it creates all that confusion. If you have OCD, like me, that also makes it hard because you're OCD keeps sending the message "what if I'm faking?" over and over again.
Sometimes I decide to say "I'm not going to make a judgment about whether this is real or whether I'm faking, I'm just going to work on these struggles whether they're 'real' or not." and that sometimes helps.