@Medic72, you asked these questions:
I find even on days when I’m peaceful and content - I don’t know if I’ll ever say happy again - if I look inward, there it is lurking in the background. Is that a ptsd thing or a suicide loss survivor thing?
I know a lot of it feels tied to being alone and not feeling complete anymore but that’s almost superficial, deeper down I don’t feel like me anymore and I’m disconnected from the sense of who I am.
Are there ways to improve that? (If that description makes any sense)
I would like to address them if I may. I have had some pretty hefty times of being suicidal. The last bout had me not seeing any way out from the thoughts of giving up. I lost all emotional connection with those around me. I endured by faking it. Faking the life of the living I learned to do when a young person. At one point in my life, my most important calling in life was to run off and become a bag lady...for real. I called this period my emotional suicidal moment. But, this last bout one went for ten years. I didn't follow through, physically, because I believe that I will answer to God, why I took my life. Fear kept me alive, but depression kept me emotionally dead.
But then I was in a victim in a hit and run car accident. It left me with nagging injuries of which I was instructed to go to physical therapy for. Ugh. More people. More having to think of something to say, more pressure to look alive. But, I went. And to my horror, my therapist is a "hands-on" guy. Not only did I have to do various exercises in front of the other patients in the work-out area, but he took me into a private room, with the door open, and proceeded to do deep tissue massage on my arms, neck and back. In that hour he would talk with me. Soon, I found I relaxing with him and began to engage with him. That led to us laughing until we cried as I told him jokes and he, me. The more I engaged with him, the more my suicidal intentions and deadness inside my heart cracked and softened. It got to a place where I looked forward to going to therapy. Then I began to teasingly call him "Father Chris", and share with him the horrible circumstances hubby and I were in when we lost our house and hubby was diagnosed with cancer. We became friends...he the age of my daughter and I, his mother. I still have injuries I have to deal with but the injury to my heart has gotten better and I can laugh again and enjoy friends. He was my catalyst to healing my mental health. A learned friendship. A learned trust.
There are still days where I have suicidal thoughts, but they are not pushing me to the very teeny tiny edge of "going over". Life is better now. I look back and understand that I was emotionally isolating myself when I actually needed to be engaging with someone on a personal level. And in the process of medical care and therapy, I went to counseling and discovered I had PTSD, probably for most of my life, but recently manifested because of medical traumas, making it all come crashing down in one basket. It caused me to seek help and I am in therapy for that...which keeps me talking. I think, though we protect ourselves with isolation, it is no protection at all. We need human interaction. The sorrow of hurt and loss will always be something we carry but it is what we do with it that is important. My process was being forced into a human contact I could trust. The next assist was getting an EMA which opened my heart to feel a type of love again. That forced me to have to talk with folks at the dog park where I have become comfortable with a few people and enjoy talking with them. My next challenge is to find an art class I could join.
And I am learning to say "no" to taking on things that are too demanding of me. You have figured that situation out and you made a good decision to separate from it. If need be, you can readjust your commitment to your sis in a manner that is more conducive to keeping pressure off of yourself.
But, you know, a hole is always a hole unless it is filled. I think I have lived most of my life living in holes. They are always dark, confining, and depressing. I have to figure how to walk in this life by not dropping into those places anymore...or making sure that I have a ladder with me in case I get stuck in one. This forum has been a tremendous help, too. It keeps me talking and learning from others. Now I am learning how to take the things I learn here and experiment with putting the good things into my real world. I am the only one who can make a change in my life. I hate it but know there is no rescuing for me. Not even my psych doc can really help me in that regard. I have to choose to move forward. You do too. It does not mean you cannot sorrow but it does mean that your hole needs to be filled in enough that you can get out of it. It feels pretty good to be above the hole rather than in it. You are just stuck, that is all. My heart hurts for you. I have read your struggles and they have been hard. But, they are not insurmountable. And, perhaps, like me, you will continue to have bouts of S.I. It may never go away, but it certainly can get manageable and give way to enjoying life like you never thought you would be able to do again.
And if I lived close to you, I would grab you up and take you to a high mountain lake with me so we could go fishing together. You need to put a lot of use to that fishing pole of your hubby's. A lake is a marvelous retreat to go to and sit, think, enjoying being outdoors, all the while catching fish...catch and release or take home ones. ?
