Relationship Advice about combat ptsd and how to help, please

[Nightwitch]

I am in a relationship with a marine vet who went to Afghanistan. While there he witnessed things that he has opened up to me about, and only me. I won’t go into it because it’s not my place to divulge it but I am sure there are people here who can relate.

He keep having anxiety attacks or flashbacks, I’m not sure which, at around the same time early in the morning (he has insomnia). When he does sleep, there is a chance that he will have intense nightmares.

At the moment I am not sure what to do when he has these episodes. He goes really quiet, he cries, he shudders and shakes. It can take anywhere between half an hour to hours to bring him out of it. Sometimes he allows me to touch him, sometimes he can’t tolerate it.

I put my hand in his chest and tell him to take slow, deep breaths. It seems to work. I tell him I am here and not going anywhere. But I don’t feel like I am doing enough to help.

Does anyone have any advice? I want to ask about how to deal with the nightmares separately as they are a long story themselves. But anything you can do to help me would be greatfully received

 

[Never_falter2]

I am not sure about others but my vets ptsd, too, is worse in the night and in the morning. I do not know the reason.
Was your question about waking up stressed?
When my guy had a nightmare and feels stressed what helps? It depends. Sometimes he lets me cuddle him back to sleep... sometimes he won‘t let me touch him (and I leave him alone then) sometimes he drinks wine... and I really dislike this... but much to my dismay it is often this... sometimes he works out... sometimes he does some household chores that calm him down... sometimes he plays video games...

Mine does not cry a lot and when he does I am very worried and I would not leave him then but watch him because I was very worried... but people are different and may be it does not mean that much in him.

Oh... and do not ask him to open up to you so much (if you do) because often they do not want to burden you.

 

[EveHarrington]

Unfortunately we really can’t tell you what he needs in these moments. Only he can tell you what he needs. I personally need to be held and told I’m safe, but I know this would just make others worse.

 

[Never_falter2]

I personally need to be held and told I’m safe, but I know this would just make others worse.

I think people with combat ptsd rarely ever worry for their own safetybut for that of their loved ones... in my experience... So I show him that I am safe if that makes sense: by letting him be in charge, if he says we need to leave a place I leave it without asking why, I let him take me by the shoulder and guide me through crowds (crowds scare him)... if he raises his hand to indicate I should be quiet I do it without asking why... of course I am not really unsafe but if he feels like this and he does feel like this a lot I help by not making the feeling worse.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think people with combat ptsd rarely ever worry for their own safetybut for that of their loved ones... in my experience... So I show him that I am safe if that makes sense: by letting him be in charge, if he says we need to leave a place I leave it without asking why, I let him take me by the shoulder and guide me through crowds (crowds scare him)... if he raises his hand to indicate I should be quiet I do it without asking why... of course I am not really unsafe but if he feels like this and he does feel like this a lot I help by not making the feeling worse.

I’d be careful trying to speak for everyone with combat ptsd. Your sample size is tiiiiiiny. One to be exact. And you see it from the outside, too.

I can’t speak for everyone with CSA. I only speak for myself.

 

[Never_falter2]

Actually my sample is bigger because I have talked to some more people with combat ptsd than just him... and I have talked to many, many spouses of people with combat ptsd... but you are right. most likely not everybody.

 

[EveHarrington]

Actually my sample is bigger because I have talked to some more people with combat ptsd than just him... and I have talked to many, many spouses of people with combat ptsd... but you are right. most likely not everybody.

But still, nothing equals simply asking the sufferer what they need/want.

I’d be pissed if my partner went on a forum and asked others what I needed, and acted on it instead of simply asking me.

This stuff is highly personal.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Nightwitch, I’d shift focus from “helping” to “supporting”.

We can’t help, fix, or make better. It’s sucky, because that’s probably what most of us partners wish we could do. Nothing you do is going to help him with his nightmares or any other PTSD symptom. That is something he has to work out in treatment.

We’re not medicine. We’re not therapists. We cannot fix them. That’s probably one of the most important things you’ll learn as a supporter. You have zero control when it comes to his PTSD.

It sucks, I know. I wish I could make everything all better for my vet too. I live him, I don’t want him to suffer.

Supporting, on the other hand, is something we can do. We can get educated about PTSD. We can be an ear, and really listen to what they’re saying. We can respect boundaries. We can comfort if that’s what needed (although I would advise caution when touching or hugging up to a combat vet when they’re actively having a nightmare). We can cooperate with their treatment plans, or help them organize if they have TBI issues, etc.

We just cannot fix anything.

I think asking him what he would like you to do is a great suggestion. He can lay out exactly what he needs from you.

Welcome to the forums... lots of us here are supporting combat vets!

 

[Never_falter2]

But still, nothing equals simply asking the sufferer what they need/want.

That was the first thing I said too... but she has already mentioned why it is not possible do why bringing this up again and again?

 

[Nightwitch]

Thank you for all of your advice. I am going to talk with him about it later today and establish exactly what he needs from me when this happens.

I don’t try and make him talk about anything. I let him open up when he wants to. I leave it all in his terms but yes, I imagine he doesn’t want to burden me.

I feel very much the same as you all do. I love him so much, I just want to take all of the pain away. I’d rather suffer it myself than watch him suffer.

 

[Nightwitch]

I’d be pissed if my partner went on a forum and asked others what I needed, and acted on it instead of simply asking me.

This stuff is highly personal.

That’s not what I am asking at all. I am looking for advice on the situation in general. No one except for him can tell me what he needs, but hearing about others experiences greatly helps.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi there and welcome aboard. Glad you found us! My guy is a combat veteran who suffers with PTSD and he has nightmares during every sleep cycle. Whether it's a nap on the couch or when he's sleeping in bed at night. They start right when he falls asleep. He can taste blood, feel the sand on his skin and in his eyes, he can smell the smoke and sulfur. He's reliving all of it!! He's back on Prazosin now and it helps so he doesn't remember them when he wakes up. I can tell when he's having one but I just let I play out. If I were to wake him he would be in self defense mode. All I can do when he wakes from one is to tell him "it's just me, baby love. You're safe". It calms him a little bit and grounds him to the present. When he's symptomatic?? The nightmares are horrendous and he usually sleeps on the couch. Says there's no reason we should both lose sleep. (such a sweetie!!) I never asked what he needed just kinda learned by trial and error. Good luck.