PTSD and sex?

[mchrisoss]

My partner and I go weeks without having sex or kissing, sometimes without even touching. We've been together years and it always cycles back to this. We've talked about it and in the past he's said sometimes medicine makes him feel out of it but I'm wondering if it's something else? He'll seem into it beforehand but if I initiate anything he'll usually not reciprocate and sometimes say he needs a minute before just falling asleep.Hes mentioned its "self esteem" related, but is that a common ptsd problem? He doesn't have any sexual abuse in his trauma, but some physical and a lot of emotional, so Im wondering if other sufferers ever experience lack of desire,etc. and can identify why? I've thought it could be sheer exhaustion from racing thoughts, hypervigilance,etc. I am trying to be patient and understanding but he won't really talk to me about what's going on in the moment and so i'm just bewildered and lonely. Thanks for reading.

 

[somerandomguy]

Sex is one of the things that PTSD really, really affects, even if the reason for the PTSD isn't sex related.

If he won't talk about it, it's going to be really tough to fix. Is he doing anything about the PTSD otherwise?

 

[mchrisoss]

Sex is one of the things that PTSD really, really affects, even if the reason for the PTSD isn't sex related.

If he won't talk about it, it's going to be really tough to fix. Is he doing anything about the PTSD otherwise?

Yeah we're in counseling and he's on meds.

 

[LuckiLee]

Is he on medication? Alot of the side effects of medicine is decreased libido. Yeah, @somerandomguy is right. If he won't talk about it? Not much will change. Is he in therapy? That can also make everything worse.

 

[zombycat]

There are a lot of times when I can't stand to be touched. I get really tactily sensitive and even the softest, kindest touch feels dangerous to me. But the thing is, I talk to my partner about it. He is aware of what goes on in my head and knows that it's not his fault or the result of anything he's done. He also knows that he gives me some space and comes back later, I'll usually be more receptive. We've worked together to figure out how to handle it so that I don't feel unsafe, and he still feels loved and wanted.

 

[grimalkin]

If you're in counseling as a couple, and he's not doing his own trauma work...that can go badly.

Sufferer and I had a dead bedroom for a long time, and all the "it's not you!" in the world doesn't make it better when there is no other work towards changing it.

 

[Wendell_R]

If you're in counseling as a couple, and he's not doing his own trauma work...that can go badly.

And it helps a lot if the therapist doing the couples work is trauma-knowledgeable. My wife and I did couples counseling after I knew I had PTSD but before I had an individual therapist who really understood all the manifestations of CPTSD, and the couples counseling was way stressful and unproductive, even with an understanding partner and a really mellow therapist. Now, I'm covering a lot of the same ground in a better situation for individual therapy, and it's all going much better.

 

[EveHarrington]

Most antidepressants can cause sexual difficulties. Is he on an antidepressant?

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet used an analogy to explain intrusive thoughts/memories to me. Instead of specific trauma horrors, imagine fluffy bunnies. You’re symptomatic and constantly thinking about fluffy bunnies. Fluffy bunnies at work, fluffy bunnies when you’re trying to sleep, fluffy bunnies when you’re trying to eat, fluffy bunnies when you’re on the toilet... fluffy bunnies when you’re in bed with your partner. You can’t stop thinking about them. You don’t want to, but you cannot help it. Every time you close your eyes they’re there. It’s distracting, it’s exhausting and it sucks.

Fluffy bunnies don’t have anything to do with sex, but they sure kill the mood.

 

[Friday]

There’s an article from a few years back that you might find interesting. I don’t know your guy’s trauma history/this may well be a different population entirely... but also not sexual abuse related... so it may ease your mind a bit about exactly how common & pervasive this really is.

Young vets: Trouble in the bedroom

A few snippets

The combination of physical wounds, emotional trauma and a sometimes full battery of medications is taking a toll on the sex lives of America’s youngest generation of military veterans.

“That fiery, playful sex that people have with their partners is a huge, positive buffer to all the other stuff you go through in life,” said U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs psychologist Linda Mona, who runs an intimacy clinic at the VA medical center in Long Beach.

“Life is hard. Sex and relating to others in that way is such an awesome buffer ... to nourish you. When that goes away, it’s one less protective factor to help you through life.”

Among people with combat stress — officially known as post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD — the risk of sexual dysfunction is threefold.

In other words, the chance of problems in the bedroom is “ridiculously high” compared to young people who didn’t serve, said Dr. Irwin Goldstein, a urologist and surgeon who directs a monthly sexual medicine clinic at the San Diego VA hospital.

Medication is a factor. By one account, the average number of prescription drugs used by America’s veterans is 17.

Some of those medications, including antidepressants and opiate painkillers, can affect sexual function. Goldstein called most psychiatric drugs “sex unfriendly.”

 

[A13]

Does anyone else feel initiating sex put pressure on a sufferer ?? I have brought our sex life up to my other half before and my other half gets a bit flustered at this topic. . Do you recommend just to go on the sufferers lead?

 

[mchrisoss]

Does anyone else feel initiating sex put pressure on a sufferer ?? I have brought our sex life up to my other half before and my other half gets a bit flustered at this topic. . Do you recommend just to go on the sufferers lead?

That's what I've been trying to do, because I don't want to start a fight and I don't want him to feel like I'm making demands and I know this is all hard enough as it is.