I want to want to get better, but I don't know how. Should I just quit therapy?

[Briellewannabe]

Things are difficult and it sucks. I'm not sleeping well, I'm having horrible nightmares and intrusive thoughts. The suicidal desires and the self-harming have also intensified. I've been seeing my therapist for 2.5 years now and she keeps saying she sees improvement, that I'm more aware and can communicate my thoughts and feelings better, which is true. But it doesn't seem to get better, at least not for long. The really bad suicidal thoughts and desires always come back and I think they always will and then I'm right back where I started.

A part of me wants things to get better, wants to be able to move on, but a bigger part of me doesn't want that--it wants to feel miserable and thinks that's how it should always be. I had pretty bad trauma from ages 4-6 and I first attempted suicide (in a super kid-like, never would do any damage, sort of way) at 5 years old. Those thoughts never went away and I think about them every day. It feels like that's the only way my young-self could see the abuse ending. It feels like I owe my younger self that much... to complete what she couldn't, so we don't have to continually relive through those moments. It seems like that's the only option to make things better.

Therapy has helped in some ways, but I know I'm super resistant to getting better, because part of me doesn't want to. I want to want to get better though, I just don't know how to do that. When do trigger/memory/nightmare diaries/logs, I halfheartedly do them. Anything my therapist suggests I argue it won't work because of this or that. I don't think I believe anything will ultimately help and I don't really commit to doing anything. I wish I did, but I can't seem to push back the resistance.

I'm wondering if I'm just wasting my time and my therapist's time. I don't know how to do anything differently. I feel stuck.

 

[Teasel]

It sounds like it would be great if you tell your T all of this?

Hugs, I relate

 

[Phoenix(not)]

I am sorry you are finding it a challenge to become well and less burdened by past events.

PTSD / PTSI has kind of ruined my life. I was desperate to overcome and had paid a very high price for being a trauma victim. For me, my life-changing event was doing a Vipassana meditation 10 day residential course (very long days). It was a challenge and the guided meditations were never specific but in the process of learning we were challenged to face these "demons" and let them wash over and away in a kind of passive / objective way. This was after spending several tens of thousands of dollars on conventional psychologist / psychiatrist treatment. The cost of doing this 10 days was only what we cared to give back as a contribution. When I was driving home after completing this challenging course, I recall wondering if it would help me. I realised shortly after It did and in a very profound way. I still have the exaggerated startle and hyper-vigilence traits (I doubt they will ever completely go away) but in most other respects I was relieved from many other significant symptoms and thought patterns.

There have been times since that I have been stressed and anxious about dealing with life-events thrown at me. And my peers here have been very supportive and helpful to me in my times of crisis.

Since I recovered somewhat I attended several seminars on the topic mindfulness. I thought it was all just the "new black" and it took me quite some time before comparing it with the Vipassana skills learned and practiced over time, I realised I was practicing mindfulness (kind of aka Vipassana) and getting wonderful relief from my woes. So I am a huge fan of mindfulness. For me Mindfulness has been 100 times more valuable and effective than the many consultations with therapists. I also realise though that we are all different and what works well for one is not necessarily best for another - same with medications (which I still use).

It's not a miracle cure I've described but I am suggesting there are ways to mitigate and regain some quality of life.

I hope this adds to the contributions of my peers and wish you well on your recovery journey.

 

[frogthroat]

Practicing mindfulness is really hard when you're constantly being berated by flashbacks, sleep problems, and the whole PTSD hellride but Pheonix is right about it being a great tool.
When my T first started to tell me to live in the moment and that it was better to feel nothing then to feel negative I was pissed frankly. It was so hard for me to do. At first, I equated "mindfulness" with "just stop thinking about your problems" like my pain was beong minimized, but that's not it at all. It's more of a process of accepting your negative emotions, observing them, realizing they don't define you as a person, and letting them pass through.
It works relatively well for me now unless I'm just through the roof agitated but it was a fight to learn how to actually do it. I hope that helps some. You sound like you're doing lots of therapy, you're getting better but you just don't see it yet because you're in the process of skill building and processing. It's totally normal to feel that stuck and like giving up.

 

[Emotional girl]

@Briellewannabe Wow I could have written your post including the part about feeling suicidal at an early age.
I completely understand where you are coming from when it comes to wanting to be better but at the same time being scared to be better.
Dealing with trauma is scary,you have to show your vulnerabilities,you have to talk about situations which are uncomfortable.
Maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself to get better and you should talk through your concerns and worries with your therapist after all they are there to help you through difficulties you are feeling.

 

[mlj6019]

Thank you for sharing, I’m glad you are here. I’m so sorry that you had such devastating trauma at such a young age and glad you are continuing with your therapist. If both of you can see improvement I would suggest to keep moving forward. It’s a process and takes time. Could it be that your inner struggle to get better is your “fearful” inner child? Maybe the adult you desires to change but the child is fearful of change. I don’t know just throwing out a possibility from personal experience. For me it’s almost like self-sabotage, which is fear of unknown territory. In other words, to stay where I am seems safer because it’s what I know and am familiar with. I don’t know if that makes any sense. Anyway, I hope you do keep moving forward and I wish you the best.

 

[hithere]

I can certainly relate to everything you have written. I have been in a deep heart-broken state for a few days, thus I am back on this forum trying to distract myself and find something that may relieve the pain. I've also throughout the course of time had many many moments where I had to come face to face with my own resistance to feeling better. I have this past year been struck with the very fact that I am a masochist and that I am "bound to suffering." I don't know if that is your issue or not.

However, I will say over the years I did face my own desires to stay "unwell." At those moments by sheer "act of my will" I chose life and love and happiness. I have had others argue that this is not possible in the throws of SI, but my experience is that I do have control over my attitude to a degree, and I do have control of my internal decisions. Every time I chose life and happiness I did not regret it at all. There were parts of me screaming no, no , no I do not want to be happy and enjoy life. There were many "lies" that the darkness is the place for me. I had to confront each "desire" and "reason" for not wanting to be happy and free. If you have a therapist that is helpful and kind, it may be helpful to discuss the "payoff" you get from not getting well with your therapist. Sounds like you are on the path to recovery and you are now willing to face this crossroad.

 

[Tinyflame]

It sounds so simple to choose happiness- but a loaded concept for some of us. As in: not probable, not possible, not entitled, or the like.

 

[grit]

I wonder if you can (only if you can and feel safe to do so) share some of the stuff in your life that are worthy of you and that you are striving to achieve or accomplish or care or love. Sometimes it is good to know our feelings and they are always valid but not necessary right. So I am really curious about you and what you like to do when you have glimpses of hope.

 

[hithere]

It sounds so simple to choose happiness- but a loaded concept for some of us. As in: not probable, not possible, not entitled, or the like.

EXACTLY.

 

[whiteraven]

It sounds so simple to choose happiness- but a loaded concept for some of us. As in: not probable, not possible, not entitled, or the like.

Completely agree.