Relationship So confused....new relationship and even newer PTSD experience

[NewHope19]

I've been dating a really amazing guy the past few months. We have quite a few things in common and he's told me the biggest attractions for him were that we're both veterans and from the same country. Similar childhoods but there's an underlying, unspoken bond we've seemed to have developed along with the similarities. We've both been transparent about areas we struggle with. For me it's anxiety. His is PTSD. While I have some understanding about PTSD (I'm a health care professional) I've really tried to amp up my research on what its like. He's told me quite a bit about what happens when he's triggered but doesn't really have any specifics on what his triggers are. From all he's confided in me, I believe that his PTSD is tied to abandonment. He's faced so much alone. My heart breaks thinking about it at times.
Adding to this new relationship, we're also long distance.....for now. After my most recent visit to see him, things seemed better than ever. Although now it's been about 5 days since I've heard from him. Since we met about 4 months ago I've never gone a day without hearing his voice and with my anxiety....needless to say it's been a pretty s****y 5 days. He did let me know he can shut down for days once he's triggered but idk if this is what that is. My anxiety is totally different from what he may experience, that I know and from what he's confided in me, he's (in my mind) one of the most amazing humans I've ever met. I'm struggling with how to help him, calm my own madness and not drive him crazy during this possible detachment but I'm really lost and concerned for him.
Is this response normal? Could me being so far at the present be a trigger? Totally lost like I stated but I genuinely wanna be here for him and help if at all possible

 

[Friday]

It’s exceptionally common to need some downtime after stressors and big events (both good and bad). This >>> The ptsd cup explanation <<< explains why better than anything I’ve ever come across.

 

[NewHope19]

That was a really good explanation, I appreciate you sharing that. I was non-combat and he was (in my eyes) too much combat. It's such a rough and at times debilitating thing to live with. But I'm continuing with my research in hopes of helping myself and hopefully being a safe place for him add well. Thanks again.

 

[KimmyO]

It is very possible that he is shutting down in fear of losing you with the long distance thing, but there's nothing you can do about that right now other than keep trying to get thru to him. I know this adds to your anxiety but you have to breathe thru it and remember you are doing all you can, and let it play out. Long distance relationships are tough, esp in the beginning. Hope it all works out soon for you both! =) Hope you are both able to be close soon and this will be a distant memory.

 

[anon1234]

Hi there and welcome,

I’m sorry this is happening to you. It is a common theme that unfortunately appears multiple times on this thread. This may help: My ptsd partner left me - now what?

I remember the first time I got “radio silence” - I couldn’t work out what was going on. I’ve educated myself a lot now and understand that is isn’t a simple case of “he’s not that into you.” My situation is pretty textbook, but I still have times I’ve been surprised years in. There is always something new I have to learn.

I wish you and your combat vet the best. I know what you mean about too much combat, I wish I had a time machine to stop mine ever enlisting.

Keep your chin up and welcome, you are in the right place. Any support you need, please reach out!

By the way, don’t panic by the title of that link, I’m not saying he has left you :) there’s just some useful information in there that helps understand what might be going on.

 

[NewHope19]

Well, I couldn't take the "radio silence" anymore and showed up (halfway across the country, mind you. Talk about taking a risk and anxiety out of this world. Longest. Flight. EVER.) at his house. To back up, he gave me a key to his home a couple months back and explained that he wanted me to have it because he does live alone and knowing I have it, he knows at least one person will be able to check on him. (Outside of work and literally 4 other people, he doesn't have any close connections. Connections to anyone really. Unfortunately not even with his 2 kids, which is another story. Not terrible like he hasn't tried but....anyway). No need to say, everything I learned about self defense and hand to hand combat came rushing into every cell of my body as I turned the key because the house was pitch black. Came in, found him and gently touched him. While I know violent reactions are common in waking a person who suffers from PTSD, he has admitted that throughout the years he's never been violent he just detaches, but still things can always change. He just looked at me. More so out of confusion I think. I hadn't heard from him in exactly 2 weeks prior to showing up yesterday. I was hesitant about laying in the bed with him due to this current isolation period but the moment I sat on the bed he hugged me so tight I could barely breathe. We didn't talk at all but he wouldn't let me go until he got up this morning for work. He didn't say anything at that point either, just left. I'm thinking our distance is the problem and with me being out of state right now, me coming and being gone in excess of a day or so is a trigger for him. With this abandonment thing that he struggles with (although he hasn't explicitly stated it) tied to PTSD, me being absent for extended periods of time is going to be an issue. Not that I'm in any way "ok" with it but for the next few months I'll have to deal with some radio silence in between being with him. His reaction last nite made me aware of a few more things as well just from walking around in the house and what's changed since I was here 2 weeks ago. This is rough. I've been getting help for a while to manage my anxiety/depression and he's not as open but I'm planning to encourage him to get help as well. I don't necessarily want to go with him but I'm considering once this long distance period ends going with him for support may help, just knowing he's not alone and someone is there FOR and WITH him.
That article you suggested has put a few of my questions and ideas in perspective. Thank you so much for sharing and letting me know that we (and myself) are not alone. All the advice and encouragement I'm soaking it in. Also extremely grateful for an outlet to vent.

 

[joeylittle]

There's something important you need to consider.

Current science (as well as the clinical definition), tells us PTSD can only occur as a result of specific kinds of trauma. You said:

I believe that his PTSD is tied to abandonment. He's faced so much alone.

With this abandonment thing that he struggles with (although he hasn't explicitly stated it) tied to PTSD, me being absent for extended periods of time is going to be an issue.

Abandonment is a concept that may perhaps tie into the bigger picture of your partner's psychology - but his PTSD will be specifically related to one or more trauma events. These events will conform to the criteria laid out in the DSM 5 or ICD 10.

Essentially, the individual must be exposed to death, serious injury, or sexual violence. From what is understood about PTSD, we know that the trauma experience must reach a certain level of intensity in order to cause the disorder.

Applying pop psychology analyses - like theories around abandonment - don't get at the core problem, which is the trauma.

Your partner needs to address the memories around the trauma narrative that was the likely cause of his PTSD. If there's more than one incident, he may need to tackle all of them, one at a time. I'd really encourage you to support him in making a decision to seek treatment.

 

[NewHope19]

I totally agree with you. I stated that it is tied to abandonment due to the current state of many of his relationships. However, he is a combat vet. He did a few tours in Iraq and Afghanistan along with a few other special ops missions. While he hasn't laid out in detail, all that he has seen and been a part of I know that it has been a lot and I'm sure very traumatic. We were both serving during that time but had two completely different experiences. From what he has shared with me, I was partially traumatized just from the conversation alone. I have tried to encourage him thus far but believe that being more present daily may be what he needs to follow through. Thank you for the encouragement though, I appreciate every bit of it.

 

[EveHarrington]

From what he has shared with me, I was partially traumatized just from the conversation alone.

This highlights part of why it’s so important for PTSD sufferers to get help from a professional.

I understand that it can be somewhat therapeutic and a possible bonding experience to share our trauma details with the ones we love, but the flip side is that we also end up burdening them too, and that’s really not fair to them. (There have been supporters on this board who have been in this position before and ended up in a bad state, for a prolonged period of time, just from listening to trauma details.)

The truth is that our supporters do not have the proper professional training to listen to such horrific things. They end up taking on our pain and our anguish.

Yes, I am guilty of doing this. I didn’t realize how much my trauma would negatively impact my loved ones. I shared too many details with them. I ended up making my loved ones healing more difficult. I made them feel more powerless.

Now I only share the necessities. For me this includes telling sexual partners only what they need to know about my triggers. Obviously other people like my friends and family are told even less as much of my triggering is during sex.

I urge you to be supportive in encouraging him to seek out professional help.

:hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

@NewHope19 you are falling into a common supporter trap... nothing you do is going to make his PTSD better. Your presence is not going to fix something that is broken inside of him.

He has to do all the work himself, and he has to want to do it himself. He needs professionals. Even if you talk him into it, it’s not going to be effective unless he really wants to participate.

Drop the notion of fixing, helping, or being a part of his treatment. You cannot talk him into anything. You aren’t going to love him better. This isn’t going to be romantic like in a fairy-tale or movie where the love of a good woman can bring a broken man back to life. Being in a relationship with somebody who has PTSD is cold hard reality. You’re dealing with a mental illness.

This road ends a lot of PTSD relationships.

 

[OrangeJulius]

You aren’t going to love him better. This isn’t going to be romantic like in a fairy-tale or movie where the love of a good woman can bring a broken man back to life.

I'm quoting this here so you can rezread it. This is one of the hardest things to conceptualize and accept. I have to come here frequently to remind myself of it on hard days. But this is very well articulated. Read it again.

 

[NewHope19]

I do understand that this relationship promises me nothing. Being a supporter of someone with PTSD is an EXTREMELY thankless and possibly depressing job. That part I've been able to strangely accept. Dealing with patients that have life threatening illnesses and some who are terminal may have helped me get there. However also having my own struggle with anxiety/depression and seeing the progress I've made, I know is largely in part to me, myself wanting to be a better me. Regardless of our relationship status one thing I've seen in all my research is NOT to focus so much on him that I neglect my own journey to wellness. I also know that this entire situation is unpredictable. As a veteran and someone who has her "moments", it cuts even deeper to be given up on. Having even 1 person who believes in you and encourages your betterment can make a difference. Spending this time with him makes it clear that I CANNOT lose focus on myself but I can still be an ear when needed and an example of the good that professional help can be. I do appreciate as always, the truth from every single one of you. My perspective on our possible future has become clear. A bit sad to realize but definitely no rose colored glasses lie. Above all else, it's hard for me personally to see anyone suffer and as someone who served seeng a fellow vet struggle on their own is heartbreaking. Knowing what I know now vs even 2 weeks ago I'm seeing a more vivid story and will continue to remember to make myself a priority. No matter the way I care for him, I'm no good to anyone if I'm not good for myself.