DID Dating with DID/PTSD

[Keen]

How do you ever date or get married when you have DID??
A friend wants to set me up, and I suddenly realized: who wants to date someone with child alters?
I realized how there is so much about my life that I'm ashamed of, that I try to hide from people. But when you date, people ask questions, and I am so ashamed of the answers to those questions, that is why I've been avoiding dating. For example, normal question "where do you work" and shameful answer I wouldn't want to give "I'm unemployed right now due to PTSD". Or "Tell me about your family" "Uh, I'd rather not, I have no contact with them, and I don't want to tell you why"
You're not gonna get a second date after those.
So, I guess, I'm just feeling discouraged and like I'm stuck being single forever. I don't know if there's any solution.

 

[Ronin]

who wants to date someone with child alters?

Well, I dunno how about you, but there are pleeeenty of people who like kids, and care for them, and are proper behaving around them.

In fact, out right refusal to be around kid alters / badmouthing them? Can be a fast mark of an asshole you would rather avoid. :)

I'm unemployed right now

Is a legit answer, enough to stop at, your reasons are yours. (Also, not that unusual, and not a repellant.)

Uh, I'd rather not, I have no contact with them,

Is also legit answer, as it stands. :)

Who wants to date a person with D.I.D.?
What about, plenty of people, with or without neurodivergences, themselves.

Think the only question that really has a fast answer of what you asked, is the one you didn't:
Who doesn't want to date a person with D.I.D.?
An ableist asshole. :D
And you do not need those, anyway.

Besides, how people treat secrets & complicated histories of others is a good show of character and values, so a good screening thing.

 

[somerandomguy]

I dated a person with D.I.D. I had absolutely no experience with it at the time, but she schooled me on it pretty quickly and within a couple of weeks I could tell which alters were at the front a lot of the time. The thing is, it didn't even really matter since they were really all just her. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I did made it clear that I wouldn't mess around with her teen or kid alters. I exchanged some sexual talk with her teen alter once, early on in our relationship, and that did NOT feel right to me. She ended up setting up a really nice room for her kid alters to go to when we wanted to have adults-only time. (I don't even mean this in a purely sexual way - from what I understand you can do this when you just want to be able to talk adult-style, which would be appropriate on a date, for example.)

I already knew she had D.I.D. before we dated, but if I had found out after we had started going out it wouldn't have made any difference to me. I agree that anyone who wouldn't date you because of that is not someone you'd want to date anyway.

 

[Keen]

Wow, thanks @Ronin and @somerandomguy , your responses really helped me feel better and less frustrated. I think i get so ashamed of different aspects of myself and my life and start to believe other people won't like or accept me because of them, and forget that I've had plenty of friends (and still have plenty) who love and accept me just as I am, complexity and all.

I guess one question I still have is how to handle the beginnings of getting to know someone. You don't want to trust a stranger with too personal of information (like that you have DID, for example) since you don't know them yet.

 

[somerandomguy]

I guess one question I still have is how to handle the beginnings of getting to know someone.

That's a tough one. I guess you just have to play it by ear. I knew pretty early on, like by Date 5 or 6, that I was really into the person who's now my wife, and I just blabbed out about my PTSD and everything related to it because I liked her very much and I wanted to know right away if she was going to reject me over it.

 

[Wendell_R]

I have weak child alters. My first wife was more messed up than I was, so it didn't matter too much after her undiagnosed issues came to the fore! My present wife didn't know I had alters, but did know there was a child-like part of me that was really important to me. She actually liked that about me. Now that I've found out I have dissociation, she is supportive. She says it can be very heavy, but doesn't mind and likes that I am healing in other ways.

Here's a tip--my therapist says lots of people speak in the language of "a part of me often feels like a little child." If the reception to that is okay, then more disclosure and trust is possible. You can also introduce your teddy bear (that's what I did).

 

[Ronin]

I wanted to know right away if she was going to reject me over it.

This. Depends what you are looking for, and where your own standards about disclosing whatever are.

Also, it is not like all or nothing... You can totally disclose you have D.I.D. and alters, without having to go for specifics, and totally without having to share things that would make you vulnerable or endangered. (Basically I would play that safe and if sharing you have D.I.D. with caring seeming individuals, leave out how specifically you are set up, for which traumas in great depth, and anything about how to get past protectors, or their vulnerabilities.

Similarly, if you have anyone who are a kind of trauma core people, or super vulnerable children? Keep them away and safe, until you are very sure the person actually wants you safe and means you well.)

Edited to add: And if you are D.I.D. as a result of long term abuse to specifically respond to cue ins and triggers from other people? Do not share that. Random newbies do not rate that level of confidence. Generic D.I.D. info would do (and I would think more even about that, unless you are sure you are not setting yourself off and work well as you are already/are stable for the usual life.)

 

[Jade-]

Hi there @Keen .How long have you known you have DID? Did you date at all before getting the diagnosis?The reason I ask is because if you did date before then nothing should really be any different now except you have the diagnosis.You've had it since a very young age not just since finding out so everything you did before the DX should be the same now,including dating.

I don't think it's necessary to fill any potential dates in on your dx until or unless things become serious.DID is a hidden disorder,a way to survive despite everything and most people wouldn't notice anyway.Your system would hide it from them.

 

[Keen]

lots of people speak in the language of "a part of me often feels like a little child." If the reception to that is okay, then more disclosure and trust is possible

Good tip, thanks for that!

Hey @JadeB. , yes I did date before the DX but haven't since. I kinda stress cause I don't want to mislead people or be dishonest, that doesn't seem like a good way to begin any relationship, friend or otherwise. So I don't know how to work around talking and getting to know someone without revealing too much or without seeming way to evasive and closed off.

 

[Jade-]

I understand,but I don't really consider it "misleading".Most people don't usually reveal their health or mental problems or their deepest secrets right away,those things are normally only shared after some sort of close relationship is established.Most people don't ask others those types of questions in the beginning either.

Relationships shouldn't be about a persons diagnosis,they should be about the person.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't want to mislead people or be dishonest, that doesn't seem like a good way to begin any relationship,

I think that regardless of the disorder, we don’t have to disclose anything to anyone right off the bat.

Being let into someone’s world and being entrusted with insight and knowledge into their world is a privilege, not a right.

Not coming out and immediately disclosing our disorders doesn’t mean that we are lying or hiding something.

Yes, there is indeed a right time to disclose, but the truth is that the right time is different in every relationship, and depends on how well you’ve gotten to know someone, how trustworthy they’ve proven themselves to be, etc.

It’s even ok to have friends who don’t know about our diagnosis. We are not obligated to be an open book to everyone. Everyone deserves privacy.

 

[whiteraven]

I told both of the guys I dated after diagnosis that I had DID, pretty much from the start. I built up to it a little in conversation talking about dissociation and a little about my family. They were both *really* good about/with it and had lots of questions. They were thoughtful and kind, with both me and my insiders.

Why did I tell them very early in the relationships? I wanted to gauge their reactions. Because if they were not open and accepting, they were just not worth my time.

I've met a LOT of guys (and people, generally) who are way more accepting than I ever expected.