Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[TruthSeeker]

I tend to forget stuff from my flashbacks after they're done, so I write as I'm having them, then send them to my therapist. That way, I have to deal with stuff, even if my mind has decided to forget it... All I have to do is re-read it, and it all comes back. Which I guess is good.

My therapist is lucky I'm not writing poetry.. The guy would probably read one poem I wrote and decide he doesn't want to be a therapist any more! ?

I don’t hold back in poetry, my therapist has been pinged several times in my writing but not horribly. I do realize I’m the one on the couch getting life strategies and clarification for my issues. I usually feel better after writing.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Latest update... Had to take an online course on self-care... I figured it was gonna be a piece of cake - discussing meditation, eating right, journaling, etc.... It's been a ton of work, and my grade keeps going down as I hand in assignments. I got 80% on my first assignment, and then 40% on the second.

Instead of enjoying what I'm learning, I'm getting more and more anxious and upset... Who knew a course on self-care would end up triggering me? I thing it somehow brings back the feeling of trying to figure out what my father wanted and never getting it right.

I did 4 miles at the gym yesterday, and my stress level didn't budge at all... I'm supposed to be meditating and journaling, and instead I just want to smoke (medical) marijuana and forget the whole mess.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Latest update... Had to take an online course on self-care... I figured it was gonna be a piece of cake - discussing meditation, eating right, journaling, etc.... It's been a ton of work, and my grade keeps going down as I hand in assignments. I got 80% on my first assignment, and then 40% on the second.

Instead of enjoying what I'm learning, I'm getting more and more anxious and upset... Who knew a course on self-care would end up triggering me? I thing it somehow brings back the feeling of trying to figure out what my father wanted and never getting it right.

I did 4 miles at the gym yesterday, and my stress level didn't budge at all... I'm supposed to be meditating and journaling, and instead I just want to smoke (medical) marijuana and forget the whole mess.

That’s something Ive never heard of- a self care class with grades (I’m a teacher, too). . The grades make it kinda counter productive for those of us, I strongly include myself here, who are used to getting an A and want to please others with grades. If I graded my self in this area, there are weeks I’d be flunking.... others I’d be satisfactory...but I don’t see any As in my life for self care. Good luck with your class!

 

[PTSDGuy]

So just went to my doctor... Had to do a Depression Inventory (again...), and my score has gone way down... Maybe the EMDR is doing good things...

And tomorrow I'm going to get one of my tattoos worked on by the guy who gave me all my tats... Since it's on my bicep, i can hide it when i need to be "professional"... I'm either going to add "PTSD Survivor", "f*ck PTSD", or "Tough Motherf*cker" - (That's what I realized at EMDR - that I was a tough little Motherf*cker to survive my childhood!)

Decisions, decisions... ?

 

[PTSDGuy]

Well, I did it... Got the new tat... on my calf instead of my bicep... with just initials instead of the words... Don't want to scare people... (Too much)

After it was done, I realized that I actually got a tattoo that says positive things about myself - not sure anyone else would get it, but I love it... It feels really strange to say, but after getting my 6th tattoo, I'm starting to like myself. ?

 

[somerandomguy]

That's fantastic! You're becoming who you really wanted to be - who you always were.

 

[PTSDGuy]

That's fantastic! You're becoming who you really wanted to be - who you always were.

Yep, a 58 year old millennial with all his tattoos... And not caring what people think.

I've always been terrified with how people see me... I wanted to be invisible most of the time... They screwed me up so badly that my teenage years didn't start til recently!

Maybe when I'm 80, I'll become a responsible adult... But since I'm not, I'm planning my next tattoo.... ?

 

[PTSDGuy]

I was doing so good this week. I was in a better mood, got my tattoo, then this morning find out that my insurance stopped paying for EMDR and therapy at the end of January.

I hate my life. 6:30 in the morning, and my day is already wrecked.

I’m falling apart… It just never ends… Every time things start going well, somebody screws me over…

Why do I have to fight constantly? I’m so sick of this. I’m trying so hard to deal with everything, then this. Should call insurance and fight, but I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. It never ends… I try so hard. I’m just a piece of shit that nobody cares about.

I was actually starting to feel good about myself. What’s the point? Feel good, get kicked in the nuts…. Every time.

This is never going to end. I do everything I’m supposed to do, but it doesn’t matter.

What’s the point of therapy? To show me what how things could be better before I get punched in the face again?

I should have just had them tattoo “Born to be screwed over” or “Stupid loser”.

Why do I even try? I’m just going to get f*cked over until the day I die.

 

[somerandomguy]

Yeah, that's how I'd feel if I was f*cked over by my insurance company, too.

Remember, this is about the shittiness of your insurance company, and the overall shittiness of the American healthcare system. Not about you, personally. You're strong, and you're working hard to fix yourself - despite the limitations placed on you by a faceless, soulless corporation.

You can get through this. You got through years of torture. This is enraging, but it is not a reflection on you.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Remember, this is about the shittiness of your insurance company, and the overall shittiness of the American healthcare system.

I actually changed insurance to a "better" plan on January 1st because my old one did this to me.... At least that crappy plan didn't stop paying until November... This one paid for one month. I hate the healthcare system here. There are a lot of things I love about living here. Insurance is NOT one of them...

Last night we went and saw "Apollo 11" - an IMAX documentary with amazing footage of the astronauts going to moon and back... It happened when I was 8... Same age as I was first getting raped... I remembered watching them walking on the moon when I was a kid.

It was really a great film, but it was tough to watch...I had to fight through the whole thing to not fall apart... I'm not sure why it was triggering me, but it was - big time.

You can get through this. You got through years of torture. This is enraging, but it is not a reflection on you.

I'm tired of fighting. The only people who understand are people on here, and my therapists.

Sorta makes me think the new tattoo with "T.L.M.F." ( Tough Little Mother f*cker ) in it might have been premature...

 

[somerandomguy]

Nope, you're still a TLMF. Tough people collapse sometimes. The thing that makes them tough is that they get back up. That's you.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Nope, you're still a TLMF. Tough people collapse sometimes. The thing that makes them tough is that they get back up. That's you.

Damn... now you're making me cry.

I have EMDR this afternoon. That is, if he doesn't cancel after he finds out insurance hasn't paid him since January.

I guess I'll go to work, and try to make it through the day. Thanks for always being there @somerandomguy