Death NZ had a mass shooting today

[Starfire]

I'm trying to stifle a full on panic attack from happening while I'm at my parents' house. The shooting happened about 4 hours ago. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to have to know how to deal with this.

I'm so f*cking scared.

With ya. For me doing something helps. As simple as buying black roses which I've had to display in my front window more than I could have foretold. A simple statement to all who see that this is not acceptable & to keep them from ignoring it. Literally hollering & screaming at the stupidity in the world has helped. Doing something, even just hugging, my pets & people in my life to tell them I will do everything in my power to keep them safe. A former military friend volunteers as security at his Church, another is added presence at his kids school after these incidents so they will be reassured. Don't let these *idiots* win.

 

[somerandomguy]

Does it help to know that apparently the mastermind of the attack was an Australian, not a New Zealander?

 

[Friday]

Is it really worth it? To let ourselves feel?
When happiness is still so fragile and fleeting. When there is so much hurt and pain to drown it out.

When the alternative is being utterly helpless and powerless? No chance to fix anything, or do anything good, or help anyone, or meet people I haven’t met, yet? I’d say yes.

• But I’ve died before, so I might have a different perspective.
• But I’ve been hundreds of miles back of beyond, completely and utterly alone, blood sick and sickened, untouched by the world and all that goes on in it; and made the decision to return, to at least try to help -just one starfish, you know?- and was met with wonders I could never have imagined ever happening to me. Also pain and all that, but known quantities them. The surprise was in the grandness & the joy. So I might have a different perspective.

When the alternative is deciding that the only thing that’s worth anything are the hard times, or the bad times; that pain & fear & anger are not only more important than joy, and excitement, laughter, love, & “Huh. That’s funny.” (Scientific discovery not being heralded by Eureka) ... but so much more important as to render them acceptable losses? I’d say HELL yes.

But I’m stubborn that way. I do NOT believe that if you aren’t part of the solution, then you’re part of the problem. Catchy phrase and all, and I’m sure it’s true sometimes, but I think it’s an incomplete equation. And I don’t respond to threats well. Even rousing, follow me!, garnering support kinds of threats. I also think it’s a narrow minded excuse to write of whole swaths of people, many truly extraordinary and amazing, that are simply following different paths unseen or misunderstood by me. But I do very strongly believe : Be the change you want to see in the world. If I want more joy? Bring it. If I want more people working together? Do that. Better education? Teach. More safety? Create it. All the things I, me, myself, WANT in the world? I have the ability to DO that. To be that. To create, inspire, support, learn, & master it. If I suck at it? LOL. Get better at it. It’s this phenomenal gift, the ability to create our own reality, maybe not exactly as we’d choose, but anywhere and everywhere we are. To borrow another quote; nor iron bars a cage.

If I decide that isn’t what I want? ...And there have been times I have made that decision, and there may still be times to come... It’s still my choice to. No one can make me. I have decided to walk in pain. But not because of the world. The world is as it always was. It’s my own heart that’s broken. And that’s what needs mending. If I choose to. Not the world. There are still children smiling and spinning in sunlight, and mothers wailing over the broken bodies of their children. There is pain in the world. But the world doesn’t frighten me. Nor the people in it. Who I am become, who I choose to be? That does scare me, sometimes. Worse, though, when it doesn’t. It’s okay to be afraid. As long as it doesn’t stop me. As long as I keep moving. And when I’m out of courage, my strength fails me, and I lay down to die? What an amazing chance I’ve had. And might still have. If I change my mind, and get up, again.

I was just talking with my physical therapist last week; it was an offhand comment on my part, made without thinking... If you’re not crying on the floor unable to move, from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough... she was pretty ticked off at me about that. Nooooo. If you’re laying on the floor, crying and unable to move, we’re doing it the wrong way! And maybe that’s true, as far as physical therapy goes. Hell, maybe as life goes. But the only reason I’m still here is because a very long time ago I decided that defeat wasn’t an end point. I can be defeated. Have been, many times. But not stopped. Not while I’m still breathing. Try harder. Get up. Or sleep. Regroup. Whatever. But I refuse to die this way. More? I refuse to live this way. If your death hurts? Die better. If your life hurts? Live better. Another something I decided a long time ago. And sometimes I reeeeeeally suck at that. But? I refuse to give up. Try harder. This is just a way point. Not the end. It’s just what happens when you’re trying this hard. Sometimes? You end up on the floor in tears, unable to move. Or too afraid to move. Hurting too badly to move. But there are only 2 choices. This is the end, or it isn’t. I don’t like endings.

 

[EllyBean82]

Morena bellbird. I'm here in nz too. I think I'm still in disbelief. I know 4 myself becoming obsessed with this is an issue for me. I did the same with hurricane katrina. What I have bn doing is literally keeping myself busy with menial tasks, Limiting net and tv. I don't have any answers but I can let u know what I can do. I dunno if there is a PM function on here but if you want 2 chat or catch up if you re near I'm all ears x

 

[Ronin]

Is it really worth it? To let ourselves feel?
When happiness is still so fragile and fleeting.

... Totally worth it.

Because living in fear and hiding and never enjoying anything is entirely what every scumbag out there wants.

So letting yourself feel, and be happy, and seize what you can of the goodies out there?
Is very much fighting back. Instead of doing nothing: it is doing everything.

 

[Pale Mpress Kitty]

Kia ora @bellbird,

I'm here too - literally living just a few blocks away from Linwood Mosque. I was home at the time, and I have never seen my dog behave the way he did (he never barks and suddenly he would. not. stop.). It's terrifying to think that something like this has happened in New Zealand.

You have every right to feel devastated, sad, angry, whatever it is you are feeling around this heinous event, and you are equally allowed to continue your life (including celebrating the positives). It's an extremely difficult thing to process, and I think we - as a country - are still in a state of shock about it. Take the time you need to take care of yourself. Take the time you need to process this. You have no responsibility or obligation to take care of other people, participate in conversations, read/watch/listen to the news, attend vigils, go near the scenes, etc etc. Your responsibility is to yourself.

The awful person who did this (who IMO does not deserve the label of "man") is NOT representative of us (NZ) and is trying to increase fear in our community and the global community. Fight hate with love. Even if you start with loving yourself and taking care of yourself, you are still taking a step in the right direction.

Some whakatauki that I've been repeating like a mantra:
Nā koutou i tangi, nā tātau katoa. [When you cry, your tears are shed by us all]
Waiho i te toipoto, kaua i te toiroa. [Let us keep close together, not far apart]
Mā te ngākau aroha koe e ārahi. [Let a loving heart guide hour decisions.]
Kia ū ki te pai. [Cleave to that which is good.]

 

[Deleted member 42984]

My thoughts are with you, @bellbird. The world can be ugly place sometimes, but you always have the right to feel whatever. Just don't feel it alone. Are you still at your parents?

 

[Never_falter2]

Yes--living positive lives is the best way to make the terrorists lose.

100% agree... and I am also very happy that nobody mentions the terrorists name or discusses his manifesto here... because that what he would want us to do. He wants us to talk about him, mention his name, discuss his ideology. Let’s not do him the favour.
A German magazine printed a black page instead of his face today. Let’s forget his name and his face.

@bellbird I hope you are okay today and did some positive selfcare. My guy likes taking a bath for selfcare when he is very stressed and listen to some music. Some chocolate, watching your favourite movie.

 

[bellbird]

Thank you all so much for your responses.

So live your life to the fullest and allow yourself to feel happiness of which you have much right to feel, despite the shocking events around you.

Yes--living positive lives is the best way to make the terrorists lose.

Rest easy bellbird. You have just got out of hospital and have so much to do and look forward to. :hug:

Don't let these *idiots* win.

Hmm, seems everyone is behind this.

Maybe it's a distortion, but part of me feels that I should feel upset, out of respect maybe? I'm not really sure.

But then, when I was raped, the whole world wasn't sad. And I don't think it would have made me feel any better if they would have been. Life just carried on for everyone else.
I realise there isn't a comparison between these traumas, but I'm trying to rationalise this for myself with an example in my own life.

Doing something, even just hugging, my pets

I do tell my budgie that I love him and that he's a cutie.

Does it help to know that apparently the mastermind of the attack was an Australian, not a New Zealander?

I'm not sure.
I do think that before that piece of information came out, probably the majority of the country was thinking that a New Zealander would NOT carry out this atrocity.

But I’ve been hundreds of miles back of beyond, completely and utterly alone, blood sick and sickened, untouched by the world and all that goes on in it; and made the decision to return, to at least try to help -just one starfish, you know?- and was met with wonders I could never have imagined ever happening to me

When the alternative is deciding that the only thing that’s worth anything are the hard times,

Be the change you want to see in the world. If I want more joy? Bring it.

All the things I, me, myself, WANT in the world? I have the ability to DO that.

It’s this phenomenal gift, the ability to create our own reality, maybe not exactly as we’d choose, but anywhere and everywhere we are.

It’s okay to be afraid. As long as it doesn’t stop me. As long as I keep moving. And when I’m out of courage, my strength fails me, and I lay down to die? What an amazing chance I’ve had. And might still have. If I change my mind, and get up, again.

But the only reason I’m still here is because a very long time ago I decided that defeat wasn’t an end point.

I refuse to die this way. More? I refuse to live this way.

But there are only 2 choices. This is the end, or it isn’t. I don’t like endings.

Well, crap. Not a whole lot of words, and quite a few tears.
Thank you, @Friday . Thank you so much.
I will sit with a lot of these.

Morena bellbird. I'm here in nz too. I think I'm still in disbelief. I know 4 myself becoming obsessed with this is an issue for me.

Kia Ora @EllyBean82 .
Obsessing over tragedies like this is definitely an issue for myself too.

I dunno if there is a PM function on here but if you want 2 chat or catch up if you re near I'm all ears x

There's no PM function here anymore, but would be great to chat through this thread for starters. Thank you so much.
How have the last few days been for you? X

So letting yourself feel, and be happy, and seize what you can of the goodies out there?
Is very much fighting back. Instead of doing nothing: it is doing everything

Beautiful

Kia ora @bellbird,

I'm here too - literally living just a few blocks away from Linwood Mosque. I was home at the time, and I have never seen my dog behave the way he did

Kia Ora @KittyM .
Oh goodness, I can't even imagine what that must have been like.
How are you feeling now and how have your last few days been?

You have no responsibility or obligation to take care of other people, participate in conversations, read/watch/listen to the news, attend vigils, go near the scenes, etc etc. Your responsibility is to yourself.

Wow. This really really spoke to me, thank you.

Even if you start with loving yourself and taking care of yourself, you are still taking a step in the right direction.

Beautiful. And teary. I will work on this.

Nā koutou i tangi, nā tātau katoa. [When you cry, your tears are shed by us all]
Waiho i te toipoto, kaua i te toiroa. [Let us keep close together, not far apart]
Mā te ngākau aroha koe e ārahi. [Let a loving heart guide hour decisions.]
Kia ū ki te pai. [Cleave to that which is good.]

SO beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

you always have the right to feel whatever. Just don't feel it alone. Are you still at your parents?

Thank you zi. Yes still here at my parents'.

@bellbird I hope you are okay today and did some positive selfcare. My guy likes taking a bath for selfcare when he is very stressed and listen to some music. Some chocolate, watching your favourite movie.

Thank you @Never_falter2 .
You've just reminded me that I've got some chocolate that my bestie brought me in hospital last week, it will go well with movies I think. :hug:

 

[Wendell_R]

Maybe it's a distortion, but part of me feels that I should feel upset

You can be upset, and honor the dead, and active in finding a solution, and express that in positive ways. I read an article about a man who refused to learn ANYTHING about the NZ shooter, but learned as much as he could about the lives of the victims, to bring as much remembrance and honor to them.

This reminds me of the response in Boston a few years ago to a random shooting, by famous baseball player David Ortiz:
Ortiz's finest moment with the Red Sox wasn't at the plate

 

[blackemerald1]

Does it help to know that apparently the mastermind of the attack was an Australian, not a New Zealander?

Well no.. it doesn't. This massacre isn't confined to race, religion, country of origin etc., It would be too easy to say it's confined to those issues. I think it's really about hate actually. But then again, what do I know?? Not much.. like everyone else when it comes to these things. I am not even going to consider trying to work out what this idiot thought he was achieving by killing a whole lot of innocent people.

NZ and Australia are extremely closely affiliated it's difficult to count the ways. Aside from being the closest of neighbours.

It would be wrong to think that Australians are not just as horrified by what has happened. We are.

 

[Deleted member 42984]

After the massacre in Norway in 2011 (closest we ever got to a mass shooting in Denmark), I obsessed a little over it too. But instead of fixating on hating the shooter, I watched gatherings of Norwegians mourning, singing and honouring the dead on YouTube. Like I was part of the grieving and that felt meaningful. Dunno if this is useful in any way, thought I'd just share my own experience?

:hug: