Relationship Boyfriend asked for space with no timeframe

[caligirl03]

My boyfriend asked for space yesterday because I was upset after our anniversary weekend was a total bust. We went on a little getaway that I planned (and mostly paid for), but he pretty much slept the entire time, was angry and negative whenever he was awake, and pulled over with me in the car to run into the store and get me a card after he realized I had gotten him one.

He recently started nursing school, and I understand the stress cup, so I had already mentally prepared myself not to expect much. But to be honest, I was hoping we'd connect at least a tiny bit since we never really do anymore because of school (and we don't live together or anything). To his credit, he did try to make up for it by asking to take me to dinner after we got back, but it just felt like a complete afterthought at that point, and I said let's go another time.

I broke down crying yesterday saying I was pretty disappointed and have been feeling pretty taken for granted. Then he told me I'm an added stress to him, he doesn't ever seem to be able to make me happy despite him trying "so hard", and that he needs space with no official timeline. Wow, THAT backfired. I feel like I can never express how I'm feeling for fear of making HIM upset and am now being punished for it. Not really sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just venting. Thanks for reading!

PS- He just went for a psych eval and was told he's pretty depressed. He isn't taking anything for it but is in weekly group therapy. Am thinking this is definitely factoring into his behavior as well.

 

[Friday]

Out of curiosity... do you ever go away sort of randomly?

I use the excuse of my birthday (in May ;)) to book a February or March week in the mountains snowboarding most years. I’m spitting distance to Canada, so I could easily take the same trip in May (many years the ski lifts down here are still running in May, although Cinco de Mayo is he official end of season, snow people get all “we can still play” if there’s any kind of base layer still working)... but I just can’t do it. Valentine’s Day, my birthday, anniversaries, the first week of break (school, I’m always sick and exhausted that week and don’t wanna go anywhere, I just wanna stay home & sleep & marathon movies & not get anything done I’d planned on doing -cleaning following finals, usually- that week) they just alwaaaaaaays suck. Because it’s not my actual birthday, or anywhere near it, the Feb/March trip is lovely.

I do still use “big deal events” as excuses to do expensive things (I set the money aside, 5k 5 year anniversary, 10k 10 year, 1k per person for birthday trips, etc.) I just reeeeally can’t do them on the actual date. Or anywhere near it. If it’s quasi-random, it’s fine. But the pressure involved in making something special just sends me into asshole land. :bag:

Also... I am crazy sorry your trip sucked. Travelling is one of my fav things on the planet, and travelling with someone who sucks. all. the. fun. out. of. it. is so heartbreaking/infuriating.

 

[Hojay]

It’s really really rough to feel like you’re being punished for showing emotion. It’s the reason you start walking on eggshells. At the end of the day, it makes you feel like it’s your fault that things went south. Well, it’s not. You’re allowed to feel disappointed, sad, angry, whathaveyou, for all sorts of legitimate and illegitimate reasons. You’re a human being.

What’s sucky now is that he’s calling the shots. And when you’re in that situation—ie somebody is presumably now taking the time to judge you and the relationship—it’s double hard to take back your power and make choices for YOU.

You don’t have to wait around to see what he wants. What do you want? Is this enough for you? Is it okay with you to feel this awful because, god forbid, you slipped up and showed some emotions? PTSD and all aside for a moment, is this really how you can live your life? As an added stressor for someone else?

I’m not judging him or what he needs to do to be okay for himself. But I do encourage you to take a step back and take a look at what’s being asked of you here.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t know how anyone with symptomatic ptsd could know exactly when the symptoms will die down.

If we say “five days” and it actually takes seven, then we feel guilty and you get mad/irritated/etc that we broke a “promise”.

If we say “five days” and we aren’t ready on day five, then we have even more stress added to the stress cup, pressure to be “fine” again.

 

[Mytime]

I was just wondering. What’s your time frame, of waiting?

 

[Justmehere]

Damn. It’s gotta hurt that you put so much into it and got almost nothing back from him. And buying a card while you wait? Ouch.

 

[LuckiLee]

Our first official vacation was a complete disaster! Omg sensory, symptom, stress overload!! ( I think I even have a thread somewhere around here about it)

We don't really celebrate the traditional milestones. We celebrate each other randomly through the year. We do alot of day trips. We pack a cooler and hit the road. We are surrounded by lakes so we have a ton of awesome parks and trails to explore.

J is only capable of so much. We have to do things off the beaten path. It helps that I'm the same way. Give me the woods over a crowded beach any day.

I'm sorry he's isolating. However I'm not surprised by it. He felt really crappy about himself and in his ptsd brain it was confirmed by your disappointment.

This ptsd stuff sucks. It seems like trial and error half the time. What works today may not work tomorrow....

Good luck and take care of yourself.

 

[Hojay]

I don’t know how anyone with symptomatic ptsd could know exactly when the symptoms will die down

I agree. That’s where it gets tricky though. If you look at supporters around here who are in a reasonably stable relationship and who’ve “arranged” themselves with their partner’s condition, they all have a system in place that minimizes the stress and impact on the supporter as well when isolation happens. Be it one daily text or what have you. It stands to reason that someone who needs to disappear indefinitely and with no reassurance to the supporter isn’t ready to be in a mutual relationship and shouldn’t be presenting themselves as such.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It stands to reason that someone who needs to disappear indefinitely and with no reassurance to the supporter isn’t ready to be in a mutual relationship and shouldn’t be presenting themselves as such.

I'd agree with this. I can't do it. I'm the "f*ck you and leave me alone until I'm damned ready to talk" sort of person. Hense why I'm single. I can't do relationships. Any type of relationship. But, I'd agree that if I tried a relationship, I'd at least try to send an "I'm ok" text. Even if it's just those two words, every so many days or weeks or whatever. It's not reasonable to ask someone to wait and hope and pray you're alive for however long it takes for me to be ok again. I think it's reasonable to ask to be left alone until I'm ok again but while that person is giving space, I need to give communication. 2 way street.

 

[EveHarrington]

I agree. That’s where it gets tricky though. If you look at supporters around here who are in a reasonably stable relationship and who’ve “arranged” themselves with their partner’s condition, they all have a system in place that minimizes the stress and impact on the supporter as well when isolation happens. Be it one daily text or what have you. It stands to reason that someone who needs to disappear indefinitely and with no reassurance to the supporter isn’t ready to be in a mutual relationship and shouldn’t be presenting themselves as such.

Oh very true.

I wasn’t trying to make excuses for the isolation.

I realize that I micro-isolate on the level of hours to maaaaybe a few days, so my perspective may be a bit different.

 

[jgal]

It sounds like you are hurt because you feel like he is rejecting you since he asked for space and you were already feeling neglected by his lack of attention to you on the trip. Perhaps because of the depression he is experiencing right now and the stress he is under with school he is unable to be either emotionally or physically available to you. My husband rarely celebrates our anniversaries or my birthdays either. If he gets me a card it's only because I've told him he needs to go get me one. He's not exactly the "surprise me" romantic type but he does have his other qualities. If your boyfriend continues with counseling, I am sure he will be encouraged to maintain a healthy medication regimen as well which may improve his depression and his stress at which time he may be in a better place to continue his relationship with you. Perhaps you could use this time apart to write him a heart felt letter to let him know how much he matters to you. I hope things get better for the two of you soon. I will be praying for you.

 

[Jazmina]

My boyfriend asked for space yesterday because I was upset after our anniversary weekend was a total bust. We went on a little getaway that I planned (and mostly paid for), but he pretty much slept the entire time, was angry and negative whenever he was awake, and pulled over with me in the car to run into the store and get me a card after he realized I had gotten him one.

He recently started nursing school, and I understand the stress cup, so I had already mentally prepared myself not to expect much. But to be honest, I was hoping we'd connect at least a tiny bit since we never really do anymore because of school (and we don't live together or anything). To his credit, he did try to make up for it by asking to take me to dinner after we got back, but it just felt like a complete afterthought at that point, and I said let's go another time.

I broke down crying yesterday saying I was pretty disappointed and have been feeling pretty taken for granted. Then he told me I'm an added stress to him, he doesn't ever seem to be able to make me happy despite him trying "so hard", and that he needs space with no official timeline. Wow, THAT backfired. I feel like I can never express how I'm feeling for fear of making HIM upset and am now being punished for it. Not really sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just venting. Thanks for reading!

PS- He just went for a psych eval and was told he's pretty depressed. He isn't taking anything for it but is in weekly group therapy. Am thinking this is definitely factoring into his behavior as well.

Hi, First of all I am sorry , because the end of a relationship is a loss and needs to be grieved, so try to acknowledge that in your heart.
In similar situations, what has helped me most was to recognize that my first responsibility in life is to do whatever I can to maintain my integrity and respect my boundaries. No matter how much I love someone or understand the struggles they might be going through, relationships to survive need to be reciprocated. If the other party is unable to meet me somewhere in between to resolve a challenge, I have found the kindest way for me is to move on and resolve any residual emotional tanglings with a counselor, trusted family member or a friend. In this way, I can make sure that my life doesn't get lost over someone else who doesn't clearly want to offer me anything . Even if hard, I've learned to accept it at face value without necessarily judging them. As you mentioned he is also dealing with depression and stress, however, that is the battle he needs to take on his own, especially with the way he has separated himself from the relationship. Try this opportunity for learning to make yourself a priority in your life and trust in that power within yourself, the universe or God, whatever that helps you move forward. You deserve it.