When the flashbacks became unbearable, I began to overeat. It wasn’t too long until I started throwing up after eating. If I throw up enough, I feel a sense of release - like I threw up something disgusting and it’s out of my system. After about 10 or more times of eating and throwing up, I feel like I want nothing, I care about nothing.
I talked to my therapist about it. She said we’d keep an eye on it.
All I want to do is sleep. I miss one day of work a week, on average.
I’m barely hanging on and have trouble coming to work. The anxiety is overwhelming.When I get home, I lay in bed. I fall asleep on and off.
I feel like I am spiraling into dysfunction-hanging on for some semblance of doing the basics.
I am afraid I will slip into complete dysfunction. Although I am in therapy, it’s not helping me live day to day.
Hell is not in the afterlife, it is life for someone like me...
@willhealeventually When I start heading in that direction, yep-know the binge/purge routine, I change my diet so I don't get nutritioinally deficient or start gaining weight. They make high protein choc, vanilla shakes "Premiere Protein" and Walmart has a similar brand with more flavors like strawberry and others-they are (160 cal per bottle). I add 1/2 cup of milk to mine-cause I don't like things too sweet. Chocolate is my favorite! You could add a hit of yogurt ice cream if you wanted to be fancy and call it a milkshake-with a serving of milk-270 calories. it is still considered a whole meal and under 350 calories. If I drink those, instead of eating bulky food, fast food, or high carb food, I'm getting lots of vitamins and over half needed protein for the day. I reward myself with something I like to do (art, music, nap, video games, for a specified period of time. To get my reward time, I can't purge. I do get on myptsd, read email, and such or watch TV and drink them slowly, I don't get the feeling in my stomach-run- time to upchuck with a liquid diet/soft diet cause my stomach doesn't feel overly stuffed.. I also switch my eating to soups with either well cooked veggies or purreed like tomato when I'm under stress to avoid moving into this cycle or to get out of the cycle. Purging only makes me feel worse where self esteem is concerned. So try to think of things that are low in calorie, easy on your stomach, reinforce the concept of eating something tasty-without the bathroom drama. (That's my binge/purge term for it).
That binge/purge thing wears me down-and the shakes don't tend to have me running there like pizza, popcorn, chips, italian food, heavy salads, uncooked veggies, rice, and heavy foods eaten too fast. The shakes help increase your nutrition without having to dirty dishes, and insuring body has much needed protein to keep up your energy and neurological functioning. Drink all the soup and protein shakes you want. You will have less bulk in your stomach and they digest much faster. Cold also helps-For dessert, I might eat a half box of fruit (25 calorie) popsicles 6-150 calories) and on a really bad day- a whole box, but the cold helps ground, and I haven't chucked them up yet. Just how I handle that ugly cycle when negative stuff comes up. Thought this could help.
