Relationship No intimacy, denies we are in relationship. Need advice!

[Ronin]

Sounds to me you are just stuck on a guy who likes messing around as he feels any given day.

PTSD doesn’t make for this huge relation swings / denying any relation at all / treating a person like an object / lying to everybody.

& Oh, that isn’t scared of intimacy. That is being an asshole.
His excuses for it don’t pretty it up.

 

[The Albatross]

he had his agreement...which gave him feeling of freedom, so de had no desire for other women

Yup. But relationships are mutual and if you are not able it is not a fault.... if he is not able without an agreement... not his fault either.

 

[Butterfly64]

He had an agreement. You didn't give him one. I had (which by the complexity of my post to you indicate) very carefully. Best of luck to you.

He never asked for an agreement!

 

[The Albatross]

Reread your opening post. Off the thread... your only decision is to accept relationship as it is or leave. Act or accept is the only two choices really in the end anyways. Intimacy and sexual issues with PTSD's aren't exactly uncommon. I have a sexual dysfunction myself but when younger was hyper sexual.

 

[Butterfly64]

Sounds to me you are just stuck on a guy who likes messing around as he feels any given day.

PTSD doesn’t make for this huge relation swings / denying any relation at all / treating a person like an object / lying to everybody.

& Oh, that isn’t scared of intimacy. That is being an asshole.
His excuses for it don’t pretty it up.

Wow! You need to read a lot of posts in here where both sufferes and supporter describe exactly what I do! Push and pull...scared of intimacy...of relationship. And for the record! I have known him 6 years...he is not an asshole! And where the f.... did you get that he is lying to everybody?! No..don’t bother answering that!

 

[Butterfly64]

Reread your opening post. Off the thread... your only decision is to accept relationship as it is or leave. Act or accept is the only two choices really in the end anyways. Intimacy and sexual issues with PTSD's aren't exactly uncommon. I have a sexual dysfunction myself but when younger was hyper sexual.

PTSD affects sexually...the energy and desire....his back is messed up from the attacks...so he loves sex, but does not have the mental or physical energy like he used to. AND I know deep inside, he thinks other women are boring compared to me

 

[Ronin]

K.

Are you here because you need advice, or are you here to argue with people?

He tells you how special you are, yet his acting doesn’t look very much you would be any special to him.

 

[Butterfly64]

K.

Are you here because you need advice, or are you here to argue with people?

He tells you how special you are, yet his acting doesn’t look very much you would be any special to him.

Advice...like in real advice...not here to be told that he is an asshole. You don’t know him. He is not a player....I have known him a long time. He is always the guy his family and friends turn to, when they need help or advice. He is warm, caring and loving! He did not plan to fall in love with me. It just happened during the time we were just friends. When he fell in love he had already decided never to be in a relationship again....he does not have the psycical and emotional energy for it.

 

[Ronin]

he was attracted to me...that his relationship was just about over.

he was in a relationship and so was I

He claimed he was going to be single

he was unsure whether he was in love or in lust! At this point he had never mentioned PTSD. He stopped kissing me completely....I asked why? Because he only kissed when in a relationship

he said, he was no longer in love.

He had run into (no he contacted her!) an ex he dated for 6 months, 16 years ago, so we “had to stop sexing untill he figured out what would happen with her”. They hooked up...for app. a month, then he dumped her...

Just from the beginning of the post. (I read it whole, but looking for things to ilustrate to you.)

So he saw no issue to be deceiving a woman he was with, blaming things on her and her fatique/mental health (you sure she was not just tired of his drama & lies?)

He sees it so fit to immediately get a new woman, who is even with someone already.
Then he is all about being hard to get, and talking about singletness...
Only to get you to bed, and he would not act as a caring partner either, because no kisses / nothing of your needs, all about him and sex when HE feels like it.

Then talks about how he is no longer in love, which very much sounds he was in one only as long as it was good to get you to bed. Talk is cheap.

Then he contacts someone else, & bullshits about how accidental it was / how he juust ran into her... and is soo concerned... about someone who is meant to have moved on long ago.
Then he gets bored & moves on back to you.

On, and on, and on....

Yet you say he is not an asshole?

This lying, cheating, never committing to one woman, thinking he is so irresistible, & just hurting everybody... very much spells an asshole to me.

Scared of intimacy?
He would be committed. To one woman. Struggling with the relation, but not with being nice to her / communication / decency & honesty about other things. This is the opposite of scared of intimacy. This guy is choosy how to treat everyone to inflict max damage he can. Which is power moves, not fear.

 

[Butterfly64]

Just from the beginning of the post. (I read it whole, but looking for things to ilustrate to you.)

So he saw no issue to be deceiving a woman he was with, blaming things on her and her fatique/mental health (you sure she was not just tired of his drama & lies?)

He sees it so fit to immediately get a new woman, who is even with someone already.
Then he is all about being hard to get, and talking about singletness...
Only to get you to bed, and he would not act as a caring partner either, because no kisses / nothing of your needs, all about him and sex when HE feels like it.

Then talks about how he is no longer in love, which very much sounds he was in one only as long as it was good to get you to bed. Talk is cheap.

Then he contacts someone else, & bullshits about how accidental it was / how he juust ran into her... and is soo concerned... about someone who is meant to have moved on long ago.
Then he gets bored & moves on back to you.

On, and on, and on....

Yet you say he is not an asshole?

This lying, cheating, never committing to one woman, thinking he is so irresistible, & just hurting everybody... very much spells an asshole to me.

Scared of intimacy?
He would be committed. To one woman. Struggling with the relation, but not with being nice to her / communication / decency & honesty about other things. This is the opposite of scared of intimacy. This guy is choosy how to treat everyone to inflict max damage he can. Which is power moves, not fear.

He did not deceive her....he did not move on to me immeaditely after she moved out...we did not hook up untill 16 months later

 

[Butterfly64]

He did not deceive her....he did not move on to me immeaditely after she moved out...we did not hook up untill 16 months later

You are entitled to your opinion...which is sooooo far from the truth. Thanks...but no Thanks

 

[Neverthesame]

.a few weeks ago I wrote...let me make easy for you since you cannot write “I love you”... so do you love me, yes or no. He replied...no....and then he wrote...stop pushing and the answer will be obvious.

Well, there's your answer. Just like how people fall in love, they can fall out of love too.

He is not getting professional help...he does not have the energy, he is drained from buying a house and moving in January...and I now that the best thing for me would be to not see him again.

This has not changed, correct? He still isn't getting help?
If you've been reading the site as you say you have been, you will have seen many of us saying this same thing over and over. It won't change until he starts getting help.

I have to realize that he is in a bad state...that it is over.

Good idea.

I cannot be with him if de does not seek professional help

Agreed.

he will not enter a relationship untill he is able to “deliver”.

Seems he agrees with this as well. It's not fair to shove him into a relationship you both know is going to be unhealthy and dysfunctional. Take your own advice, let him go.

I fear he will quickly find some woman online...just to have sex...he is a guy after all

Sigh... Yeah we're all incapable of civilised behaviour... :rolleyes: