General How do I stop upsetting him ? Advice needed please.

[lostforgottensoul]

They do NOT want to have to face their own issues.

It's not that we don't want to. We want to but many times it's too hard. It hurts, badly. And we are so used to survial mode that it's hard to come out of that mode. Takes a lot of practice. But we typically want to face our issues, thus why were are even in therapy.

 

[blackemerald1]

When I’ve had problems in my relationship, I’ve taken a step back and tried to view it from a neutral standpoint. Yes, this is very challenging, but try to not use the breakups others are experiencing as a blue print. Only you know him, and perhaps what you say is true, but my advice is give it some breathing space. He is overseas, so it is easier. I have wanted to text things in the past that would probably have ended my relationship. Two days later I am glad I came down from my fear and anger. You will come to a decision that is right for the two of you.

^Honestly, take the above advice.

I know you feel fed up now and he's obviously saying things that are very upsetting but isn't he currently overseas right now? Sorry if I've misread this...

You've been in this relationship ten years! That's a lot and if he's just started back in therapy recently it'd be good to let him settle a little before escalating this to a relationship ending discussion.

For sure the walking on eggshells stuff needs to be addressed but you sound upset and angry and probably rightfully so. But, that's still not a great place to make decisions from.

Please see if you can at least discuss a relationship counsellor - in a while. Not right now because he seems a little reactive and sorry, but so do you.

 

[LovingH]

Yeah, couples counselor sounds great, so long as it's someone who's experienced with PTSD.

But it sounds to me like HE might break up with HER, based on this crazy advice from his therapist. If I were her, I'd be prepared.

Because even telling her "oh the therapist says YOU'RE my problem and we should break up"..it sounds like he's laying the foundation to let her go. :(

 

[Friday]

he is either straight lying to her or she’s a bad T.

Not really.... not if he’s in a combat zone, actively deploying and his head is up his ass, dealin with relationship drama. That bullshit gets people killed.

It seems like people maybe missed this part?

My boyfriend is active special forces...

He’s stationed in the Middle East, I’m in the US.

He wouldn’t have to say one word to her about you... lies or truth... all she’d have to see is that whatever relationship he’s in is putting everyone’s lives at risk. And if she’s seeing that? His team is seeing that. And his command may well be calling him on the carpet over if, if they haven’t already.

Quite frankly, I’m surprised the Wives Club hasn’t come knocking on your door, yet. To either tear you a new asshole if you’re being a drama queen putting their husbands lives at risk, or to have you all but move in with one of them to help you out if things are really rough right now. So boyo can stop worrying about you, and pay attention to what’s important.

 

[anon1234]

I agree with @Friday
There is a whole level of additional complexity with combat operations.
He is in special forces. Fact is, that’s classified stuff and it is difficult for anyone to know what he is having to get involved in now. So we don’t have an objective picture.

Additionally, he has had to get his head into a different zone to deal with his operations. He has a battle ready mindset. It’s almost like he has blinders on.

I am not saying that it isn’t hurtful. It definitely is. I wish my partner had chosen a non-combat job but here we are. It’s heartbreaking and there are no winners. My bf has long periods where he is completely numb because that’s part of his training for dealing with combat. He actively doesn’t feel. For months. And it upsets him too.

 

[Sephira]

Let me clarify. He is active special forces- as in, he can be deployed. He hasn’t been deployed for well over a year and does intelligence analyst stuff in an office.

He is a PMC- there is no wive’s club or any other support group. He’s been trained exactly as a special forces member- sorry I wasn’t clear. If there was, I’d be in it and maybe in a better place.

No one is getting their lives put at risk here.

 

[Ronin]

No one is getting their lives put at risk here.

Then you have no idea what being an analyst for a PMC entails.

As in people rely with their lives on being correct for what comes out of his as you have it boring office job.

& As to no support for wives, you do not have to disclose the exacts. As far as I knew quite a few support for partners didn’t ask questions. In fact, actively discouraged oversharing.

Edited to add: Middle East would be bad enough for a civilian... Much less someone involved, in any way, with military. Cut him some slack. Over in the US & safe & well you have no idea what his life is like.

 

[Hojay]

If he’s being abusive, he’s being abusive. It doesn’t matter if he’s deployed, not deployed, currently doing CrossFit on the moon, or baking cookies at home. None of it is an excuse and no slack needs to be cut for mistreating you.

One good way of figuring out if a therapist is any good is to ask them whether they would tell you that you should split up with your partner. If they say yes, run. No therapist should ever suggest something like that, least of all knowing just one side of the story.

Him bringing that up, whether it’s true or not, again sounds manipulative to me. What he’s saying is “I’m right, you’re wrong. Even professionals agree with me.” Checkmate. It’s a bit like triangulation, trying to get others on your side to win an argument. It doesn’t sound right to me.

 

[LuckiLee]

He's Special Forces. You really don't know where he's at or what he's doing. @Friday is right. He needs to get his head in the game. This should wait until he gets home. Good luck.

K.I.S.S. keep it simple for the time being.

 

[Freida]

This thing has so many moving parts it's hard to figure out a starting point.
No - he has no right to be abusive to you. That's not ptsd. That's being an ass
Yes - you need to stop letting him walk all over you
Yes- he is in the middle east doing all sorts of sneaky stuff he can't tell you about so he tells little white lies about being safe in an office. Chances are that's not exactly the truth
Yes - his therapist may have asked him "what are the stressors in your life right now and how can you lower them." and his response was "my relationship is a huge stressors right now" If the relationship is a stressors its a stressors... Is he handling it well? Nope. which makes it a bigger stressors.

But this isn't something that can be solved while he is in a war zone and you are in the US. This is gonna need some counseling and some face to face work. Trying to get it figured out over the phone is probably just adding to to the problem. Maybe you can both set a couple of boundaries on what you talk about for now, and deal with the whole do we stay or do we go thing once he's home?

 

[Friday]

Trying to get it figured out over the phone is probably just adding to to the problem. Maybe you can both set a couple of boundaries on what you talk about for now, and deal with the whole do we stay or do we go thing once he's home?

This.

 

[LovingH]

One good way of figuring out if a therapist is any good is to ask them whether they would tell you that you should split up with your partner. If they say yes, run. No therapist should ever suggest something like that, least of all knowing just one side of the story.

Him bringing that up, whether it’s true or not, again sounds manipulative to me. What he’s saying is “I’m right, you’re wrong. Even professionals agree with me.” Checkmate. It’s a bit like triangulation, trying to get others on your side to win an argument. It doesn’t sound right to me.

Yup yup yup.

Agree 100 pct.

I dated a sociopathic narcissist for a year, and this is the kind of b.s. he would feed me. I knew there was no way his therapist would say that. It's completely unprofessional. Everything was always my fault, tho.