Do you look for chaos?

[Warrior Chicken]

I don't quite understand why this is.....but it's happened several times, so I'm wondering if others have similar experiences.

When I'm in my regular home environment, it's mostly peaceful, politically/economically stable, people are relatively predictable.....but I get regularly stressed, triggered, flashbacks are a usual part of my day/week, tense, etc. etc...

Put me somewhere not so peaceful, more hazardous, not politically/economically stable, people are surviving and not predictable......and I am less stressed, don't notice my triggers as much, flashbacks are muffled.

I work in both environments, but the latter is far more rewarding. Tangible results of my work, there's a purpose. I don't know if that's what causes less of the symptoms. If there was no one in my life (no supporter who cares about me) I'd stay in more chaotic places...realistically, I can't do that. So, I'm trying to figure out why I'm like this....is it just how I am or is it a ptsd thing?

I don't think I'm running from things.... I feel alive in those places. But less stressed and things that get at me when home don't get at me there? I don't understand that.

 

[jaccat]

Yep, 100%. I thrive under pressure. My best days at work are when something goes wrong and everyone else is panicking. I’m not sure it’s sustainable long term though.

 

[Friday]

Yep.

I have some strong doubts as to whether or not I actually have PTSD. I think it’s really NLSD. Normal Life Stress Disorder :banghead:

I bring order to chaos. It’s just what I do.
As is the opposite. :facepalm:

 

[Mach123]

I have done it and I've run from it. I resent having to distract myself because what I'm looking for is me.

But the thing you said was, is this normal or a PTSD thing?

Good question. It's a matter of degrees.

 

[Teasel]

Very much relate to thriving in situations others find stressful/ falling apart when things are calm.

 

[scout86]

I think so. I've wondered what the deal is. Maybe somewhat that my brain knows what to do with chaos? Maybe, If you're going to be hypervigilent anyway it feels better if there's something to be hypervigilent about?

Had a funny conversation with a local law enforcement guy one night. I'd just finished trimming his wife's horses. It had been messy but I was in a mood where dodging flying feet felt kind of fun. He commented that my job was dangerous. This guy led the local equivalent of the SWAT team. I stared at him for a second and said, "at least no one's trying to SHOOT ME." He thought a second and laughed. Which led to a discussion of how adrenaline can be fun and "the sheer joy of a really good bar fight." There were a bunch of people there that evening. I remember thinking they all seemed to be looking at us like we were nuts, but I'd rarely felt understood.

It may be weird, but I guess it's a thing. BTW, my T says he thinks there's a difference between THIS and actually trying to get yourself killed.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I was a special needs teacher. Some kid was always melting down, acting out, or having drama. I was a “rescuer” in that job and felt a sense of purpose. Like a firefighter, I’d go from one persons issue or crisis to another and take on the drama and “fix” the situation and “put out the fire.”. I was preened in my childhood to be a fixer- a problem solver. If I was a successful fixer that day, others were happy and all was well. My self esteem was in a good place and I had met the criteria for a successful day. Having enough resources and skills in my pocket to “save the day” which made the student and other teachers happy was essential to success. If I was unsuccessful in managing their behavior- well I’d criticize myself for not being able to resolve their drama- and that was reinforced by coworkers bitching and complaining! Being needed is nice- fixing problem- gives one purpose and can be powerful, but listening to petit BS because I’m not always good enough to fix other people’s issues- that’s when I’d get burned!

So I live alone, and it is more predictable. I don’t hear other people’s constant drama and the only drama I have to fix now is what I create. It is MUCH more peaceful not teaching!

 

[MyWillow]

Yes I am on fire under pressure. It’s curled up on the couch watching TV that I get triggered.

 

[Mach123]

The whole "putting out fires" thing is a thing and it's very interesting because it's reactive as opposed to proactive. We have been living like that thirty years. It doesn't work. At least I've read people saying not to live that way because it means you are a victim in your own life.

That's exactly what it feels like. Waiting for the next fire to break out.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Yes I am on fire under pressure. It’s curled up on the couch watching TV that I get triggered.

Yes, I’m finding that w TV more now that I’m retired-there are few TV shows I really enjoy. So I read, write stories or poetry, paint, do photography, work out Wii, sit by my cheaply constructed fire pit and watch the fire ( marshmallows yeah), or do my like dancing to a video, play video games, do clay projects, listen to favorite music, and fix up my house so it says “ME”. TV is and can be very triggering for me along w bills, taking calls from people who complain or stir up drama, dealing with anything of the past -old photos, letters, so I avoid them. Audiobooks are great when I can’t concentrate on a book. So I’m suggesting you consider giving up TV and do some other things you enjoy.

 

[MyWillow]

Oh fortunately I have no free to air TV reception and am very selective about what I watch. It’s the sitting quietly that does it. Yes audiobooks have been absolutely wonderful for me.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Thanks everyone for your own experience with this. It really does help me to get some perspective.

Currently - what @Friday says is my brain dialogue

I have some strong doubts as to whether or not I actually have PTSD. I think it’s really NLSD. Normal Life Stress Disorder :banghead:

So I punch myself in the head for accessing resources for PTSD, selfish. Others need it more than I do cuz I can go to far flung places and function wonderfully.
Keep me at home and I fall apart cuz the dude with the weed whacker is out again.
It just doesn't compute.