Should I try vaginal dialators?

[frogthroat]

First off, I haven't been to the ob/gyn in awhile and everytime I have to get a papshmere I have to get put under. It's expensive so understandably I don't go often as in office exams are impossible even if I'm prescribed xanax for the appointment.
I would like to try vaginal penetration again but I can't even insert a tampon. Plus, I have so much scar tissue my last ob/gyn suggested surgery. My T wants me to go another ob/gun and find out if I can even have sex again.
The thing is this terrifies me. I was wondering if I should try dialators? I'm not really sure if the the extreme pain I feel when the gyno or myself has tried to insert anything is my mind or damage. I could also still be in denial about how physically damaged I am.

 

[Friday]

My T wants me to go another ob/gun and find out if I can even have sex again.

Plus, I have so much scar tissue my last ob/gyn suggested surgery.

I’d suggest a consult before experimenting at home... although that’s usually the opposite advice I’d give... and here’s why:

Scar tissue is tricky.

If you had a surgical reconstruction, then you’d undoubtedly be using dialiators at a fairly steady rate/course, but you’d also have a really solid “map” of exactly where the scar tissue is, and it’s relative age & elasticity, as well as -mostly likely- predominantly healthy tissue forming the majority and scar tissue either only along the surgical seams, or in very limited areas. As well as the prescription grade ointments that protect you from further damage / keep the tissues pliable and “easy” to work, and meds to deal with cramping/anxiety/etc. As well as instant access oversight (no explanations and exams and consults etc.... because you’ve already had them and they are completely up to date with your case) If there is any accidental damage or infection as you’re rehabbing your vagina.

Even just a surgical consult would place you on much better footing (if not a complete map, a general idea; and someone to call if anything goes wrong).

That ‘someone to call’ piece keeps jumping out at me as the most important piece, with your history, and need to be sedated for exams. For sooooo many reasons.

 

[Sideways]

My T wants me to go another ob/gun and find out if I can even have sex again.

This would be where I’d start - is my goal physically possible for me? Perhaps someone can go with you? Or you could ask for a report to go through instead of a consult?

Definitely from there? I’d start small. Getting used to the sensation with your own fingers. Just on the outside. Baby steps.

Also maybe work through some of the powerful narratives you’ve got around the issue with your T. If there isn’t any physical limitation to things like using a tampon, working through “I can’t...” so that it’s something more flexible, like “It frightens me..”.

My strong suggestion? Don’t let someone else go there till you can go there yourself:)

 

[Skywatcher]

Do you have a trusted friend that could be in the room with you during the exam? I’m very sorry that you are having to figure all of this out.

 

[frogthroat]

Do you have a trusted friend that could be in the room with you during the exam?

No, I don't. I've always went to appointments and even to the outpatient procedures by myself and had someone pick me afterwards because they won't let you drive.

Thanks @Friday and @Sideways. That's something I have to consider doing but I do think I obviously need to talk to my T.

 

[The Albatross]

Relate, relate, oh wow do I relate.
Latex free medical grade dialators are worth attempts. I had "guidance" and direction though no clinic in my area and endeavored to do them. Only limited success for me but the clinical aspect of it had complicitory issues of infertility testing (two area specialists) and I had larded up psychological stuff about that... plus various rape stuff, being resistive to self induced albiet voluntary penetration. Plus it f'ing hurt. Ironic how high my tolerance for pain can be in other situations/instances... but on my own I can't see my way to alley-oop to potential benefits even with the foreknowledge that rationally it ain't gonna be necessarily comfortable or pleasant at first. I know the mechanics of "tearing" scar tissue microfibers intellectually but it was a quagmire that revealed a buttload of blocks as I attempted to do it to have a "wholly intimate relationship/marriage. There is a medical procedure (or was) but it's WAY expensive, private pay of course and out of our league. I flunked. Mister knows how hard I tried short of going to Vermont or Connecticut (one or the other).

Interested to read/hear of others on this... I'll follow and be as candid as I can. I got "improvement" in small degree... but not rectification of the issue. It also brought the psychological aspects/nuances to the fore but I considered it antidotal. Not what I desired, but some epiphanies and traction though still not really able to tolerate any penetration.

P.S. Weigh the "fear" against your wants/needs/desires for a chance at natural physical intimacy. That's what I had to do. Thank you Ten for a tough subject. Not much discussion about this aspect of sexual dysfunction for both physical and psychological issues.

P.S.S. Also, my spouse had a lot of emotional baggage about the clinical experiences for infertility, and not wanting to hurt me. He remained rather detached even with mediated encouragement... so for us it was a dead end, though a mutual one.

Oh, yeah... the exams? I disassociated every single time and to the point where I even had to go back the next day to pay my bill. I still do the exposures though and don't avoid them.

 

[Justmehere]

Similar issues here. Tried the treat-at-home route. Caused more problems than solved.

Something I’ve done instead: Gone into talk to a primary care doc without doing a pelvic to talk through what needed to happen, what I could do at home, and etc. Much better outcome.

 

[frogthroat]

All of this is great help and much appreciated information. Emotionally, I'm not ready to do any of this. I'm pretty sure I'm not financially either. I'm not dating or even trying to meet potential partners right now but this is an issue that keeps me from even trying.
I have to be at a point where I can handle embarking on that path, possibly having to get surgery, and it possibly not working the way I had hoped.
I'm still at a point where I'm trying to accept the futility of this particular problem because either end result isn't going to be the ideal but at least I have options if I ever get to where I feel like taking that step. Although those steps sound physically and emotionally excruciating.

 

[Friday]

This thread >>> My parents want to come to my surgery pre-op appointment and I'm freaking out <<< ( makes me jealous as faaaaaaaawk, and I’m not jealous by nature, so it’s a bit of an adventure, that ;)) Is a phenom discussion of the surgical process. Including? Waiting years and years before being ready to go through with it. And the journey once it’s actually started, ongoing, and recovery. Including a week or three of unexpected poop-woes. Because that shit happens. Or not, in this case. Ahhh the human body. So vexing. So often.

When a person has chronic severe injuries or issues? It’s not a wrong place to be in; considering, rejecting, considering, trying alternatives, considering, wanting, waiting, falling through, rejecting, considering, etc. It’s PART of this whole stupid thing.

If I’m remembering rightly, you work -or worked- in healthcare? Because that adds another layer of :confused: onto things. All the “shoulds”. (This should be easy, I should be able to do XYZ, I should not have a problem with ABC, should should should should). That, quite frankly, just don’t apply. Even though we feel they should apply. Because it’s a different thing being a provider vs being a patient. (Which we know, so we SHOULD be able to... ;) ).

Point being, it’s a process. And it’s okay you’re at where you’re at. Which, hopefully you know, but a little reminder here and there that you’re doing fantastic gathering resources/considering options/thinking things though doesn’t hurt.

 

[ChildofGod]

I'm so sorry about the discomfort. I go through the same thing. Maybe they could just do blood tests?
I hope you can find help, somehow.
Is it possible that you could be put under for that?

 

[The Albatross]

Point being, it’s a process. And it’s okay you’re at where you’re at. Which, hopefully you know, but a little reminder here and there that you’re doing fantastic gathering resources/considering options/thinking things though doesn’t hurt.

Yup. What Friday said.

I trend to stay out of those discussion (like the link) cuz I wanted something more vaginismus/sexual dysfunction with both physical and psychological issues... specific. Maybe this is it?

So far as the impact on partnerships... During mediation and assessment counseling - we had to independently determine if having a sexual dysfunction was a deal breaker. My mister decided it wasn't. Female sexual dysfunction irrespective of PTSD/trauma affects about 200,000 per year just in the US. Just throwing it out there cuz it affected how I "felt" about the issue.

I can tolerate the smallest speculum for annual exams - wasn't able to do that before the "experiment"/exposure.... which was important for me to be able to achieve.

Write things out, clarify your issues and goals, make a plan or strategy to address it in an educated well reasoned way with mindfulness on the importance of being able to achieve at base minimum, regular or recommended paps, etc.

 

[frogthroat]

Write things out, clarify your issues and goals, make a plan or strategy to address it in an educated well reasoned way with mindfulness on the importance of being able to achieve at base minimum, regular or recommended paps, etc.

That's a good idea.

During mediation and assessment counseling - we had to independently determine if having a sexual dysfunction was a deal breaker. My mister decided it wasn't. Female sexual dysfunction irrespective of PTSD/trauma affects about 200,000 per year just in the US. Just throwing it out there cuz it affected how I "felt" about the issue.

That's good to know too. Although, I can't imagine many men being okay with the prospect of never having sex. My T has told me about another woman that's physically unable due to damage and has a husband but I just can't see that happening for me so I just avoid men. ? It's safe but it sucks at the same time. I just can't handle being rejected for something I didn't choose right now.