How to get yourself moving when dissociated

[lostforgottensoul]

So, not sure where this belongs so putting it here since this is the best way to explain this.

I am off work Weds and Thurs. I have therapy every Wed. It is now 9am Wed morning and I just know this is gonna happen yet again like the rest of like the past 10 or so weeks.

Things have been hitting me after therapy now for a while. Maybe the past 8 or so months. They never used to destablize me this bad for this long. I don't know if I am now hitting the core of things or what but this really needs to stop or at least slow.

After therapy, I am useless for the remainder of that day and the entire next day. I am dissociated so deeply that the day is usually a blur and/or I am having back to back flashbacks. I end up distracting with youtube and Nextflix and Amazon video and what not and many times my body shuts down and has to sleep. Like, there is no fighting that or my body pushes back with more exhaustion. My youngest part is almost always in the foreground at this time and it's very hard for me to "adult" at the time.

I need to get my ass moving on these days but can't seem to.

My therapist helped me get the bulk of my house cleaned by telling me to focus on one thing. Just clean out this one box. Just that. And then it would get me into a groove and before I knew it, I was cleaning for hours. My house got really bad due to depression, isolation, and chronic pain. But that only helps me to not be overwhelmed and shutting down due to being overwhelmed. Which was what was happening at the time. That method is useless when dissociated and/or having back to back flashbacks. I am not present in my head to think of just one thing to do.

Anyway, my now late cat peed all over my bedroom carpet there at the end because she was sick. I waited way too long to put her down. I deep cleaned the carpet with a gallon of cat Urine cleaner but that only helped some and honestly made it a bit worse. Probably cause it's pulling it up from the sub floor. I did that about 3 months ago or so and haven't been able to do it again even though I have a gallon and a half of the cat urine cleaner still. It needs to get done at least 2 more times. But I can't seem to get it done again.

Why? Because I am so dissociated and/or the flashbacks coming back to back. I can't get out of it enough to do anything. I have to sit in the dark and be alone with my service dog. I can go to therapy but it's after therapy that's the struggle. Just taking my service dog out to potty is a struggle.

I have been telling myself that I need to get this carpet cleaned again. All week. I need to get this done. Just this. Just the deep cleaning doesn't take all day. Just a few hours. But, f*ck! I can't get out of the dissociation to do anything.

I have been cleaning my house on work days. But I can't clean the carpet on work days because I have to take the deep cleaner outside to hose it down. Its the only way to get all the animal hair and stuff the vaccum missed. It doesn't break down to clean. Which is stupid. I get home between 5:30 pm to 6 pm. Even tho it's summer and gets dark later, it would be dark by the time I was done. And I live in an apartment so it's not like I have my own yard to do it in.

You can see that I already thought hard about that.

Anyway, how do you un-dissociate yourself to get shit done? To "adult" as they say?

I should say I have Other Specified Dissociative Disorder or OSDD diagnosed. It's very much like DID where I have alters but I don't have amesia when switching between them. That said, I don't have control over which one is in the forground and how long they stay there. I am just a spectator at that time. Like I am floating in middle mental space looking at them. So, to say I dissociate deeply is not really explaining it well. Maybe I should post this in the other disorders area? Cause those that actually have DID could maybe help? I don't have DID but what does a person do when an alter is present and that alter isn't capable of what you need to get done and you can't control which alter that is? What do you do?

How can I maybe restablize myself on Wed after therapy so that maybe I can do this on Thurs? How can I make this last less time?

I have tried a thousand and one grounding techniques and different ways to self soothe and distract and all sorts of stuff but that alter is there for as long as they are there and I am just a useless rag for the entire day and a half.

Here's the weird part. If I have a pain dr appointment, guess what? They switch just for that and "adult". But how can I do that on a day that I don't have a dr appointment? I've tried so many ways of pushing and nope, if I don't have some place I absolutely need to be, I am a useless rag. And it's so frustrating!

Sorry. I hope this made some sense.

 

[somerandomguy]

I understand being useless after therapy. I had to change my appointment to post-work just for that reason.

But let me propose an alternative. What if ... you just didn't clean the carpet? You have a limited amount of energy. Save the energy for the most important things, like taking care of your dog. If your carpet smells bad, it smells bad. So what?

That's not a failure on your part, it's prioritizing. And prioritizing and doing the important stuff is a win.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If your carpet smells bad, it smells bad. So what?

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't rent an apartment and if that apartment office didn't put a note on my door to say the pesticide guy (for roaches) found my apartment in unsanitary conditions and that it needed to be cleaned immediately. I did do the carpets once since but I really want to do it at least once more so you don't instantly smell it when you walk in. My screen door on my porch is broken. Have been closing it with rubber bands. Why? Because I am terrified to ask the apartment to fix it because when I asked for help with the roaches I got that note.

They can kick me out over it. Will they? Probably not (ETA: though almost being homeless once doesn't help that panic) but they said they would work with me to help me get the apartment cleaned. That was like 6 months ago. I did a ton in the beginning and gave myself permission to rest. That rest time has now taken months. I need to get this done at least once more if not twice more.

I thought in the shower that I could maybe make it like a game. Since my youngest part is in the forground typically after therapy. But not sure how.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So, the therapy takeaways were this. The first is true but the second is very true.

First he said that habit seems to have formed and the way we break out of habit is small steps of non-habit activities. I mentioned "maybe play with legos?" Which my protector part has a big block on those. My protector part won't let me go near them. I thought it had something to do with play and then we got to the second thought or takeaway and then I think the protector REALLY not wanting me to play with legos has to do with this second thing.

Second takeaway is this. When someone lives in crisis mode 24/7, it IS exhausting and of course you'll have no energy for anything else. Which is how I live my life now and have for a really long time now. I always am in crisis mode. Always. Even at work, the protector is front and center (thus why everything else is numbed out) and this is showing at work now. I am jumping every single time someone comes up behind me. I am eyeing someone walking behind me out of my side view and keep looking back. I am panicked all the time. Anxiety and panic is showing with my tone with customers. I am second guessing myself so bad that a lead said "we need to get your confidence back up. You know this!" Just always in crisis. And it is only getting worse.

I never do anything I enjoy, anymore. Ever. And my therapist says that when we do things we enjoy, it brings energy. It almost allows us to say "ok, well, there are things I need to do. There are things that need to get done which is just a part of life". But, if we never do anything that we enjoy that brings us joy, we have no energy left to do those "just part of life" things. All of our energy is used up with the crisis mode.

I mentioned, to my therapist, training Chopper (my service dog). I thought it was a distraction but instead, it was something I enjoyed. I truely enjoyed training him. A lot! And that brought energy. I was able to do more then I ever thought possible. It's not over. Service dogs are in training for life but he is now fully trained so now we only do maintance training so it's not nearly as much. But, I really very much enjoyed training him. And my therapist says I am good at it.

Anyway, my point is, I really do not do anything I enjoy anymore. The legos. I had this idea to try to bring creativity in my life again and to allow myself to create again (I am an artist that has lost my ability to create art) that I would try to do this with legos. It would allow me to give my youngest part some play as well. And that is what I thought this issue was with my protector part not wanting me and really not allowing me to go near them. I only had an oppurtunity once when the youngest part came to the foreground and the protecter went into the background. But, I think now it has to do with enjoyment. The protector part not wanting me to have enjoyment.

I'm sorry. This should probably have been a diary entry rather then a thread. I was just so confused about how to stop the dissociation and flashbacks to "adult" or clean the house. But, my therapist thinks that legos maybe the key. Or enjoyment. Allow myself to have enjoyment in anyway possible. Slowly. So, maybe play with legos for a small bit. Then maybe train some. Then try a bit of cleaning. Not the carpets if not able but maybe something smaller. Then stop that and maybe something else I enjoy. But, to try to A, break the habit of sitting in pitch black dissociated (where it is safe...because I am always in crisis so when not in crisis I sit in pitch black dissociation because it is safe there) but also to start adding small ways of enjoyment back into my life.

I also very much enjoy IT. Building PCs, coding, programing, building and managing websites and so forth. I have 10 millon computer parts in my closet. Maybe while cleaning that out, I can do some of that?

I am not sure how, exactly, to go about adding enjoyment and really just joy and fun back into my life but my therapist really thinks that's key. So, there ya go!

ETA: He did say that pushing through usually doesn't work when in crisis mode and only makes it worse. So, that's why I couldn't just push myself to do it. He said it's about breaking out of crisis mode slowly. I am used to just pushing myself through things and not being able to was frustrating. But, I guess that this crisis mode 24/7 is why I couldn't seem to push through it.

 

[hithere]

Tell your younger parts to go play or have a nap while you are doing some grown up stuff, like cleaning the house.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Tell your younger parts to go play or have a nap while you are doing some grown up stuff, like cleaning the house.

Bahaha! Wish it were that easy.

 

[Sideways]

I am not sure how, exactly, to go about adding enjoyment and really just joy and fun back into my life but my therapist really thinks that's key.

Because this was a complete foreign concept when you were a kid and your brain was learning how to live, right? ‘Having fun’ would usually land you in a really terrible place? So, your protective part that is banning lego? That really is a protective strategy - or at least, it used to be a protective strategy.

So, this is a skill. How do I have fun, and enjoy myself, and make that something I actually invest in and get meaning from? And with new skills, me personally, I learn about the skill, and then practice.

Keeping in mind that therapy is all about how to live your life now and into the future, seems to me that your T is actually well placed to be a real life person who can help you learn this skill. And give you ideas and feedback on how you’re going. This sounds like a perfectly legitimate skill to work on in therapy (as well as here!!), yeah?

ETA Is there also a core belief issue at play here perhaps? That may need to be consciously acknowledged and side-stepped? Like, “I’m not worthy of enjoying myself...”. That one is in the pile of core beliefs for me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Because this was a complete foreign concept when you were a kid and your brain was learning how to live, right? ‘Having fun’ would usually land you in a really terrible place? So, your protective part that is banning lego? That really is a protective strategy - or at least, it used to be a protective strategy.

Now that makes a lot more sense.

Yeah, fun or any sort of play was punished. I had no toys. I had no fun back then. Even a smile landed me in punishment. So, yeah, makes total sense when you put it that way.

And with new skills, me personally, I learn about the skill, and then practice.

Yep. Exactly what my therapist said.

He said that he loved the idea of the legos cause it would allow me to practice not just creativeness but enjoyment at the same time. He said that small steps would lead to bigger steps and so forth.

Keeping in mind that therapy is all about how to live your life now and into the future, seems to me that your T is actually well placed to be a real life person who can help you learn this skill. And give you ideas and feedback on how you’re going. This sounds like a perfectly legitimate skill to work on in therapy (as well as here!!), yeah?

Totally!

So, how the f*ck do you have fun? Er, should probably make another thread about that. But, yeah, totally foreign. I never even knew what enjoyment was until I trained Chopper and didn't even know that was actually enjoyment until today. Oy vey! A long, long road!

 

[Ronin]

I had no toys. I had no fun back then. Even a smile landed me in punishment.

Relate, hard, though:

What did kid you *think of* as toys? Or really, really wanted as toys?

So, how the f*ck do you have fun?

I’d start at something, somewhere, I am comfortable with.
Fun usually escapes carefully scheduled mission parameters for where it should be...
So, find something comforting first, and let it come.

What makes you smile & is comforting or just puts you at ease for a min might be a good combo to start at?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What did kid you *think of* as toys? Or really, really wanted as toys?

Wow! That question hit in the gut and sent me spinning. I never thought of toys. I never wanted toys. Because, I thought that if I wanted it, "god" would punish me. Damn! It was that hard engrained!

I think I was always a puzzle fantic though. I took apart things just to see how they worked. Those were sort of my way of playing. I would spend hours just figuring out how to take apart, and put back together, things. Everything I could hide anyway. I hid a flashlight in the closet just so I could sit in there and do that.

My books were encyclopedias. I was that sort of kid.

So, if I ever wanted a toy, it would have to have been puzzle type things. Something to challenge me.

Younger then 7 or 8 I'm not really sure. There are pictures of me playing with things but I think they were just for pictures.

I’d start at something, somewhere, I am comfortable with.
Fun usually escapes carefully scheduled mission parameters for where it should be...
So, find something comforting first, and let it come.

What makes you smile & is comforting or just puts you at ease for a

Whew. This one is hitting pretty f*cking hard. And deep.

I never smiled until like year 2 of therapy. My therapist challenged me with stupid jokes. A "I bet you'll smile" comp. Jokes that are so stupid that you can't not laugh at the stupidity of it. I lost that one.

 

[Deanna]

Turn on the button of carpet machine. ? ( I know that I'm probably your least favorite right now.. Lol)
Make it like aromatherapy. What cleaner are you using? If u don't mind me asking?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What cleaner are you using? If u don't mind me asking?

Dead Link Removed

Best I found!

Went through it when my first cat got sick and had to be put down about 2 yrs ago. Two goes and no more smell. Only thing I found that worked for cat urine smell. They all say they work but don't. That one does.

Expensive but worth every penny. It's why I even bothered to buy another. I stand behind that company!