General What are they thinking?

[Butterfly64]

That's after 10 yrs of therapy though. And I'm typing it. I can type way more then I can speak. He has no therapy. Without therapy there are no answers because he likely doesn't really know the answers himself. He likely doesn't know why does what he does. Just that he does them. Also he is without any good coping mechisism and so maladative coping mechisisms are likely at play. And he likely has zero or few communication skills as he was never been taught them. Likely doesn't know about stress and the "stress cup" and the connection to that and being sympomatic. Nor has he had the chance to practice boundries and also to practice doing "relationship".



Agreed!

Untreated PTSD is a bitch and you shouldn't have to put up with that much. Any relationship takes work from both sides. A PTSD relationship take additional work. Each working on themselves as well. You shouldn't have to guess at everything or figure everything out the hard way. He should be in therapy learning what I just wrote above and then some. Maybe he doesn't have all those things yet but the point is he's in therapy working on himself and will eventually learn these things. If he can't go to therapy and work on himself then why should you be in a relationship with him?

I was terrified of therapy. Facing your trauma head on is terrifying! I was forced into therapy (though deep down I knew I needed help). So, maybe that's him? You still don't have to put up with it. Just saying that, that could be why he's refusing therapy. Going to therapy can be a terrifying thought.

You are as always right! I shouldn’t have to figure everything out for myself and when I analyzed his words and actions, I wasn’t even sure whether I was right or just making excuses for him in order for me not to run away! I quickly gave up on asking him...I knew I couldn’t trust his answers to be true...that he would likely say something just to push me away.
Maybe he is afraid of therapy, maybe he just believes it won’t help, because he used to work in family therapy and believes he doesn’t need help...the last two times I mentioned it, he actually agreed that he should get help, but didn’t have the energy for it because he used all the energy on his new house. I suppose the constant back pains due to numerous attacks from the mentally ill and violent men he looked after app. 8 years ago, and him not having been able to work since, doesn’t exactly help regarding his CPTSD. He feels less of a man because he can’t work or help friends and family as much he would like to with chopping trees down and stuff like that.

I am not putting up with it anymore. Just trying to wrap my head around some of the things he said and did...trying to figure out if I just wasted two years of my life entirely. It shouldn’t really matter to me any more since there is no way I am taking him back unless something drastic happens...and it won’t. It is a work in progress to let him go physically and mentally...

 

[LuckiLee]

@Freida, thanks for sharing your thoughts yet again.

J is able to share his trauma with me but it's different than what you're dealing with. The whole male/female thing. Most of his trauma wasn't sexual. He was sexually assaulted before but I don't think it causes as much distress as the other events. (<<< I have no idea about that. He did say that was why he started training so hard after it happened. Wasn't going to be overpowered ever again) I know if J found out I went through the horrible things you did he would want revenge.

That being said I think females would handle the details better.

Maybe an appointment with T and hubby. And maybe only mention the key words. Kidnapping. Torture.... If he has any questions T will be with you for support. Explain what you want to accomplish and why.

As for your sisters and bff maybe you could sit down with them and let them ask questions. Or get them all together at once then you don't have to repeat yourself. I could handle details and it would never change my feelings for my family. Some people can't and that's ok too.

They don't need details if you don't want to share them. I understand why you wouldn't be able to do that.

I think using key words would work. They get the basics. That's all they need unless they ask for more and you want to share.

I'm trying to think how I would react if my niece told me she went through what you did? I'd just listen and be in awe of her strength and bravery.

Much love to you Dear @Freida. ❤❤❤

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I suppose the constant back pains due to numerous attacks from the mentally ill and violent men he looked after app. 8 years ago, and him not having been able to work since, doesn’t exactly help regarding his CPTSD.

I have chronic pain. I am loosing my abilty to feel my legs. I broke my back from a 3 story fall in 2009. I had 2 repairative surgeries. There is nothing left that they can do. I have an implanted medtronics drug infusion pump pumping free base morphine directly into my spinal canal.

Why do I say all of this? To say that yes, chronic pain and loss of function is depressing but it is no excuse to not go to therapy. If anything, the increased depression is MORE reason to get therapy.

 

[Butterfly64]

I have chronic pain. I am loosing my abilty to feel my legs. I broke my back from a 3 story fall in 2009. I had 2 repairative surgeries. There is nothing left that they can do. I have an implanted medtronics drug infusion pump pumping free base morphine directly into my spinal canal.

Why do I say all of this? To say that yes, chronic pain and loss of function is depressing but it is no excuse to not go to therapy. If anything, the increased depression is MORE reason to get therapy.

I truly appreciate you telling me this! Compared to you his back pains are nothing and I can’t in my wildest imagination imagine what you have been through and go through on a daily basis. I have admired you for always offering such excellent advice, for being open regarding how PTSD effects you...now my admiration for you has just sky rocketed? Being on this Forum, offering advice to supporters shows a great amount of heart and resilience. And you couldn’t be more right...chronic pain is definitely not an excuse for not going to therapy...the longer he waits the harder it will be to do it.

 

[Freida]

Maybe an appointment with T and hubby. And maybe only mention the key words. Kidnapping. Torture.... If he has any questions T will be with you for support. Explain what you want to accomplish and why.

As for your sisters and bff maybe you could sit down with them and let them ask questions. Or get them all together at once then you don't have to repeat yourself. I could handle details and it would never change my feelings for my family. Some people can't and that's ok too.

sigh. This would have been good -- but I just found out I'm getting called in for another c&p and its kinda rocking my world. Can't believe I have to do it again. I just wanted help. But I guess I asked too much. so talking to family is on the back burner. If the va doesn't believe me why would anyone else?

funny - I finally gt to a place where I start to think it's gonna be ok.... sigh

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but I just found out I'm getting called in for another c&p and its kinda rocking my world.

Whats a c&p?

 

[Freida]

Its an exam the va does where you have to meet with a doc or a shrink and prove that you have problems. Passing depends totally on the mood of the examiner. My last one was for fibro - with a doctor who had never treated a case of it before. I got lucky - she was willing to let me educate her.

What they are looking for is to find a reason to deny my benefits from continuing.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What they are looking for is to find a reason to deny my benefits from continuing

That sucks! Sounds like my last insurence carrier. Anything to deny therapy coverage though they state unlimited. Its not really unlimited.

I am a bit familar with the VA benefit coverage stuff. My dad does it. Says his diabeties is caused by Agent Orange even though it runs in his family, madly. It's intresting to watch his benefits increase when Agent Orange likely never caused anything and you can almost prove that with family history but others in younger wars like the Iraq wars get benefits lessened and you have to prove something is wrong and are threatend with denying benefits when there is diagnosed conditions that can be proved caused by war and nothing else (like PTSD).

Sorry you are going through that. The VA can be a bitch. Been there a lot. Talked with a lot of vets. Seems like a roll of dice really.

 

[LuckiLee]

I hope and pray the VA is there for my guy as we speak. He's in a very bad place right now and called to say that's where he was going. XOXO

 

[Ronin]

Yeah, damn yeah, @LuckiLee.

May he be safe.

 

[joeylittle]

Sufferers: Please don't turn this space into a sufferer chat thread. Thanks.

 

[Ronin]

May be too soon to ask, no worries if it is, just wondering how are you & how is J, if you wanted to share, @LuckiLee?

Thinking of you both.