Parenting issue (need help)

[Scarlet13]

Hello parents!

I need your help. I have a little girl (aged 6) and boy (aged 9).

We just moved to a new neighborhood and they are making friends. I am finding myself becoming triggered and hypervigilent.
I am especially worried about my girl. She is still really young and isnt as "with it" as her older brother. She is a dreamer and is super kind and trusting. Also, I worry more about her because I see myself in her, though I know to have equal parenting for both children.

I was finishing up some work today when I noticed she was on the front porch at another house playing with her new friend, an 8 yr old girl. The dad was in the garage.
I went over and asked to meet the dad and exchanged some small talk.
It was difficult, because while I was talking I was trying to figure out if he was a child molester.

So, that is what is in my brain, there is no peace!
After I brought her home, I sat both kids dwn to give them some rules about playing at other kids houses. I said for now they can bring kids to our house and that I need to meet their parents.
I requested that they not go inside other kids houses. But I even felt it was too much for my daughter to be on the front porch of another house. I dont know if this is reasonable.
I didn't really know what the rules should be and told them I would do some research.

So, what are your rules?
I dont want my experiences as a child (I was molested by a neighbor) to cloud my judgement with fear, but to inform it.
I want to encourage my children to form friendships, but to stay safe.
What are your opinions and rules surrounding neighborhood friends? Playing at houses? Sleep overs?
Going around the neighborhood and so on?

Thanks!

 

[Teamwork]

They are young enough to learn basic rules that are just the norm. Telling me where you will be and with whom. Arrange play dates at your house, exchange phone numbers, host a barbecue. Teach your children to be good neighbors, eat at home, use your own washroom, share, learn names. Decide the qualities you want to instill in your children and encourage that. Allow swapping of time at home and at a neighbor as you get to know and trust them. As to other rules that have to do with personal safety teach it separate from the good neighbor rules as they need it everywhere they go. Give time away and reward with more minutes added to it if they come on time or come when called. Don’t make going in or out of homes the issue as much as asking why would you need to allow it, is there safety in numbers as in pairing them together for visits, is an adult home, stay with your friend, stay out of bedrooms etc. Keep it clear, simple and basic. If for example you don't let Them wander in your bedroom without asking then say the same goes at the neighbour. Children that age don't remember much, so you are going to be using the building block method.

 

[NevaMae99]

First, congrats on your new home and a neighborhood with kids for your kids to play with! I don't think you're being unreasonable at this point. You just moved to the neighborhood and you don't know the families very well yet. I wouldn't let my kids play inside, either. At that age, I would probably only let them play where I could still see them, at least until you feel more comfortable with the families. I would be okay with the porch if I could see what was going on. But I can also understand how your past can cause you a lot of anxiety. I'm so sorry you had to go through that!

As far as going over to friends houses, sleepovers, etc, for me, again it really depends on the families. My 11 year old goes to a private school and it's very family-oriented. I know most of his friends' families pretty well so I am okay with letting him do those types of things. However, my older son goes to public school and I don't know any of the parents. Fortunately he has never asked to go to anyone's house but I would be very hesitant if I didn't know the families well. You just never know these days. There's a lot to think of from concerns about inappropriate behavior, the chances of them seeing porn, or even unsecured weapons that may peak their curiosity.

At the same time, I don't want to be too hypervigilant. It's important to talk to your kids about what is appropriate and what is inappropriate so that they know when something isn't quite right. Ultimately, I do the best I can and I pray that God would protect them because I know that He loves them even more than I do.

 

[Karolina12]

It’s a great question. I tend to teach independence and self-reliance and avoid being overprotective ... but ... I’ve never even been comfortable enough to hire a babysitter.

Some other protective measures could be letting the parents see that you are a vigilant, involved, active parent and teaching assertiveness in children around other adults (instead of the more standard “listen and behave” instructions). As well as other anti-grooming precautions (teaching them about not keeping secrets, need permission before they can help adults with things, good privacy boundaries, etc.)

Have you also asked the question on parenting message boards (e.g., babycenter)?

 

[TruthSeeker]

I'd invite the kids over to see if they were well-behaved because I wanted to make sure that the kids were okay to play with (besides they are full of info about what goes on in their own house)....and if I liked my daughter's friends, and they slept over at my house (same sex sleepover) and showed respect in manners and communication, then my daughter could spend time at their house. By then, I'd have contacted the parents. So my go to when my daughter said "I have a new friend..." I'd tell her to invite them over....and we took it from there.

 

[Scarlet13]

Some other protective measures could be letting the parents see that you are a vigilant, involved, active parent and teaching assertiveness in children around other adults (instead of the more standard “listen and behave” instructions). As well as other anti-grooming precautions (teaching them about not keeping secrets, need permission before they can help adults with things, good privacy boundaries, etc.)

Such great advice right here.
Exactly what my T told me.

 

[talon]

Hello parents!

I need your help. I have a little girl (aged 6) and boy (aged 9).

We just moved to a new neighborhood and they are making friends. I am finding myself becoming triggered and hypervigilent.
I am especially worried about my girl. She is still really young and isnt as "with it" as her older brother. She is a dreamer and is super kind and trusting. Also, I worry more about her because I see myself in her, though I know to have equal parenting for both children.

I was finishing up some work today when I noticed she was on the front porch at another house playing with her new friend, an 8 yr old girl. The dad was in the garage.
I went over and asked to meet the dad and exchanged some small talk.
It was difficult, because while I was talking I was trying to figure out if he was a child molester.

So, that is what is in my brain, there is no peace!
After I brought her home, I sat both kids dwn to give them some rules about playing at other kids houses. I said for now they can bring kids to our house and that I need to meet their parents.
I requested that they not go inside other kids houses. But I even felt it was too much for my daughter to be on the front porch of another house. I dont know if this is reasonable.
I didn't really know what the rules should be and told them I would do some research.

So, what are your rules?
I dont want my experiences as a child (I was molested by a neighbor) to cloud my judgement with fear, but to inform it.
I want to encourage my children to form friendships, but to stay safe.
What are your opinions and rules surrounding neighborhood friends? Playing at houses? Sleep overs?
Going around the neighborhood and so on?

Thanks!

It is perfectly natural to be over protective if you have had experiences which have made you that way . What you have proposed for you at this time is a sensible option for your peace of mind . Over time when you have come to know your neighbours better you will feel more at ease . Being protective is natural as a mother and just with all relationships it takes time . Remember if these children come to your home the same could apply to their parents . Talk to someone you can trust to allay your fears .

 

[blackemerald1]

I viewed all adults as potential perpetrators of one thing or another until I knew my children were beyond that grooming stage... which is a long time off in terms of years for your children Scarlet.

I tended to be close by my children when they were at someone else's home playing. Honestly trust with my children was very difficult to hand to another adult and maybe these days, or perhaps it should have been always... is the way it should be.

Teaching them about personal safety and checking in with you regularly are all good ways of keeping them safe.

I don't necessarily attribute your personal trauma as the only justification to how you are feeling. It's your motherly instincts and they are working. I think that is good because things do happen.