General What are they thinking?

[apear1818]

There are no guarantees that the boundary talk is going to help...just so you know. When he needs to pull away, he may not have the energy to tell you...just saying. I will bet you almost anything that he is thinking about you....missing you...but he has no energy/no need to tell you this....

That's why I keep putting it in quotations... I know it's not a guarantee of anything, but it will absolutely help me to see where his head is at and if we are going to be able to keep this up. I can do the pulling away, it's the zero contact or checking in that's really getting to me. I hope he come's around soon.
Thanks @Butterfly64 !

 

[LuckiLee]

Yea. If he's deploying again that's what he has to concentrate on. He's gotta get his head in the game.

I probably couldn't have been with J when he was active. He was married to the Army. His career and brothers came first. It was even more important than his own life, especially the more he advanced. He's twice divorced because he was and still is to some degree, a soldier. Nothing was more important!!

J wouldn't isolate like that either, @Friday. His whole being is to make sure other people are safe. Not himself. Can't keep people safe if he's isolating.

@apear1818, maybe instead of trying to figure him out you could start reading how some of the supporters deal with things. There's only a few of us here in long term relationships because it is extremely difficult to deal with a mental illness in a relationship. There's no cure for ptsd. It can become manageable IF the sufferer works really hard at it.

If he's deploying soon? Let him do his thing. Relationship stuff is going to have to wait. He'll be in training anyways.

Sorry it's so difficult and confusing.

 

[Songbirdhero]

That's why I keep putting it in quotations... I know it's not a guarantee of anything, but it will absolutely help me to see where his head is at and if we are going to be able to keep this up. I can do the pulling away, it's the zero contact or checking in that's really getting to me. I hope he come's around soon.
Thanks @Butterfly64 !

Do you reach out at all when he's pulled away? Like every few days or once a week to say you're still there for him when he's ready to talk? Or do you leave him alone completely and wait it out till he comes around again? Just curious what others do, I know everyone is different but thought I'd ask.

 

[Freida]

I can be there for him and not give up on him but also not have the weight of "my boyfriend hasn't spoken to me in two weeks" on me at all times.

This is smart. You can't live your entire life based on what someone else might do. There's a difference between being there for someone and giving up your entire life for them. I can't be with someone like that because for me it would translate as obsessive neediness. That's not true for everyone and not saying that's how you appear at all.. It's how MY brain translates relationships.

And if he's already been drug into MEPS? Yep... Been there. I wondered for weeks if I going to get sent to the sandbox even though technically I was out of the military. That was the ONLY thing I cared about. Friends and family didn't even come into my picture. I was too busy wondering how I was going to survive if I got deployed. Like @LuckiLee said.....I had to get my head back in the game

ht, each person is unique and you can't go by their specific experience.

Exactly! I can tell you how I handle things to give you some ideas but they are MY coping skills. His could be totally different.

 

[scout86]

he doesn't know if he's going to be called back into service

There are a lot of directions he could go with that knowledge. I think my own first thought would be to get out of your life, for YOUR good, so you wouldn't have deal with the civilian end of a deployment.

Here's a philosophy I've developed over a lot of messed up interactions with other people. "If you want to know something, the best way to get the information is to ask the person the question applies to." And be open whatever answer you get. While realizing there's a chance the answer will be some form of deceptive.

In this case, in your situation, I'd like to think I'd do some version of "We need to talk." I'd level with him about my feelings in a that simply states how I feel, with NO accusations at all. Because, chances are, he doesn't actually KNOW how i feel, even if he's been thinking he's reading my mind. Then I'd ask what's going on with him and listen. Really listen, no "yeah but's". What you're looking for is HIS version of reality, no one else can tell him what that is or should be. (Well, they CAN, but they shouldn't.)

How's that going to work? I have no idea. Once upon a time, I had a good friend who came back from Iraq and Afghanistan with PTSD. (Looking back on it, I suspect he'ed been fighting depression for a long time too.) He needed help but didn't see it. In fact, he didn't believe PTSD existed. Thought it was malingering. After what I felt was enough bullshit, I drove down to the armory where he was working and confronted him. (I was about the only person in his life who was up for that.) It ended up in a shouting match. (We were a lot alike. LOL) He didn't speak to me for a couple years, but those years weren't so good on his end. (Mine either, I guess.) After I started therapy, I sent him an email. Told him I knew he was mad at me and I knew why. Told him what was going on in my life and why. Told him that therapy had possibly saved my life, and why. Suggested he get his sorry ass some help, whether he ever spoke to me again or not. Which he did. Spoke to me again, that is. By the time he shot himself, our friendship had weathered that storm. To the extent that I'm pretty sure he was setting it up so I was around to support the family after was gone. That's the way he thought, I know it is.

So, it can be a good news/bad news deal. I don't think it's for the faint of heart. Personally? While I don't believe I'm worth the trouble, it would mean the world to know I had someone in my corner for the long haul. Not doing it because they felt sorry for me, but because they felt I was worth it. It's a big deal and a big ask. There's no shame in not wanting to go there.

 

[Songbirdhero]

Personally? While I don't believe I'm worth the trouble, it would mean the world to know I had someone in my corner for the long haul. Not doing it because they felt sorry for me, but because they felt I was worth it. It's a big deal and a big ask. There's no shame in not wanting to go there.

This. This is exactly why we continue to fight for our loved ones and refuse to give up that they'll come back, or get help, or want us there even though they aren't talking to us at the moment. You can't help who you fall for, or the great relationships you build with someone. And with that comes the want and need to help, even though you know you can't do much other than offer to be there for them. What you said, yes you're worth the waiting, the crying, the wondering. At least to me, to some extent.

 

[LuckiLee]

@scout86, I think that's why I'm still in J's life. Because I've seen the ugly yet I haven't bailed on him. His ex's didn't care why he was acting the way he was they just didn't want to deal with any of it. I can't really blame them, untreated ptsd is a fargin' bitch. He was open with me from the beginning. He was not in avoidance mode. So we decided to tackle it together. I'm with him because he's an incredible guy who happens to have ptsd. I hope you find that someone who is deserving of you.

So very sorry about your friend! Glad you're here with us.

 

[Tinyflame]

Just a tiny note: as I understand it, boundaries (your's) are what you are comfortable with, your limits, and to get your needs met. So it's important they are known, but they rely on your response, not the other person's. The other person hopefully wants to try to meet them, and that's important, but they may or may not be able. And they have their own boundaries. Perhaps there is compromise. But boundaries (your's) come from you, and are towards or for you, not based on what the other person ultimately does; rather what you do in response.

It waxes and wanes (cyclical for increased symptomology), and always is harder (or deadly) to manage with (terrible) stress, but at some level removing ptsd from the equation entirely is like separating milk from coffee, even with therapy and much hard work. (JMHO though). For one person it's totally no good, for another it's not a deal breaker. It's dependent on the individual person/ people.

 

[apear1818]

maybe instead of trying to figure him out you could start reading how some of the supporters deal with things.

Thank you for the advice, I think you're right.. I've been searching for answers for too long and its exhausting me. There is just so much unknown and uncertainty about this situation.

If he's deploying soon? Let him do his thing. Relationship stuff is going to have to wait. He'll be in training anyways

So I haven't talked to him in a little over two weeks. The last time I heard, he had only gone through MEPS and was determined to be fit for active duty (he served his four years and is in his second of six years in the reserves). I don't know if that situation has changed at all, like if he's going to be called back into service or not. Also in the back of my mind is that maybe he said eff-it and went ahead and reenlisted to avoid all of the unknown and so he can know for sure what is going to happen with him (that's me assuming the worst). If he is going back in one way or another, then I can understand that he might be scared to tell me and he really is just preparing himself; however, I have no idea if either of those are even the case.

Sorry it's so difficult and confusing.

Thank you. At this point any type of contact at all would ease my mind.

Do you reach out at all when he's pulled away? Like every few days or once a week to say you're still there for him when he's ready to talk? Or do you leave him alone completely and wait it out till he comes around again? Just curious what others do, I know everyone is different but thought I'd ask.

In that past (before I discovered this forum) I would pretty much hound him every day searching for answers: calls, texts, showing up at his apartment, etc. Eventually I would back off a little bit but it was still a really really hard time as I didn't know why on earth my boyfriend had disappeared.
Now, I try my hardest to give him his space and back off but sometimes I break down and I reach out to him every few days. I'm sort of embarrassed to admit this but my texts to him range from letting him know I'm still here, to telling him about my day or random screen shots of things I think he would want to see, all the way to a full on break down begging him to come back. I just want to talk to him. There were a few days last week that I really needed him to be there for me (personal stress outside of our relationship) and tell me that everything is going to be ok and just hold me; but hen he inevitable wasn't there I broke down even more and found myself in a really low, sad, angry place at the time.
Sorry for the rant, the short answer to your question is that I text him every couple of days with one thing or another. I know based on what I've read on here that I really shouldn't be texting him, but it's been over two weeks and I don't know what else to do or even what I have to lose.
I wouldn't recommend following me lead though, sorry I couldn't be more of a help.

I can't be with someone like that because for me it would translate as obsessive neediness. That's not true for everyone and not saying that's how you appear at all.. It's how MY brain translates relationships.

Could you clarify this for me please? Are you saying that I might be coming off as obsessively needy in the relationship because I want to see/talk to him at some point while he is isolating? *Not taking offense to this at all, just wanting it to be clarified so I might understand your point of view a bit more :)

I was too busy wondering how I was going to survive if I got deployed. Like @LuckiLee said.....I had to get my head back in the game

If you don't mind me asking, did you get sent back?

 

[Songbirdhero]

@apear1818 I totally get it and someone on here said to me to do what makes me feel better as long as it's not too excessive, multiple texts a day sort of thing. This is my first time going through this and I did exactly what you are doing. Texts ranged from freaking out, to taking it personally and getting defensive (before I knew anything about PTSD), to funny pics, to begging him to talk to me and saying I miss him so much.
I have forced myself down to 1 text a week the past 2 weeks, haven't spoken to him in almost 3 weeks. So I've basically texted him twice since we last spoke. It's so against my nature to ignore people so this is really hard for me to understand and put myself in his shoes. I came here for more information on both sides (sufferer and supporter) and it's helped but there are still so many unknowns and it's clear everyone handles their isolation differently. Last week I told him I still care and will be here and I'm not going anywhere and won't give up. No response. Today I feel like saying, "do you just want me out of your life for good or is this still temporary?? I need to know!" But I'm forcing myself to not reach out until it's been 7 days. This is literally the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and although I've known him for a few years we only recently became close the past few months and I guess I fell hard and didn't see this coming. I hope he gets to a good place soon so we can catch up. I feel like I have so much in my life I want to share and can't. ?
This is always a hard month for me personally for some things I went through in the past and I just wish I had him around to talk to about anything. I always wonder if he misses me this much too but I am guessing I'm not even on his mind at all with all he's going through. I can't imagine trying to work and live life day to day with what they go through and how hard it can get sometimes. ?

 

[apear1818]

@scout86 Thank you for sharing, I'm so sorry about your friend.

There are a lot of directions he could go with that knowledge. I think my own first thought would be to get out of your life, for YOUR good, so you wouldn't have deal with the civilian end of a deployment.

This makes sense because he's said it to me a few times. When he first got mustered for MEPS he isolated for a week and the only way I spoke to him was staking out his apartment and waiting for him to get home (I know, it's ridiculous that I did that, but I didn't know what other option I had). The first hour that we sat together we didn't talk, it was only after he was ready to say anything that he started telling me that I am better off with out him and I should leave while I could and that I won't want to stay while he is deployed. Those were all his words, never mine. I'm the exact opposite, and I don't want him out of my life and I don't care if I have to deal with the civilian end of deployment.. I'll do it if it comes to that because he is absolutely worth it.

I'd like to think I'd do some version of "We need to talk." I'd level with him about my feelings in a that simply states how I feel, with NO accusations at all. Because, chances are, he doesn't actually KNOW how i feel, even if he's been thinking he's reading my mind. Then I'd ask what's going on with him and listen. Really listen, no "yeah but's". What you're looking for is HIS version of reality, no one else can tell him what that is or should be. (Well, they CAN, but they shouldn't.)

I always tell him to stop putting word in my mouth, or thinking he know's what's best for me, and to let me speak for myself because he assumes that he knows how I feel or how I will react. I would absolutely love to be able to level with him but he has shut me out so badly this time that I have had zero contact with him in over two weeks. I have no idea how to get through to him and I have no idea if he is taking care of himself or not. I'm so worried about him and it seems like everything I do pushes him further away.

Personally? While I don't believe I'm worth the trouble, it would mean the world to know I had someone in my corner for the long haul. Not doing it because they felt sorry for me, but because they felt I was worth it. It's a big deal and a big ask. There's no shame in not wanting to go there.

I don't know how else to show him that he's worth it to me and that I'm not staying because I feel sorry for him, but because I love him. I don't want to fix him or feel sorry for him or even change him, but I do want him. For me personally, it's not that much to ask because he is so worth all of the trouble to me... He's loving, caring, gentle, goofy, crazy, funny and my lobster (only some people will get that hehe) and all of that trumps any frustration he's ever caused me.

 

[apear1818]

His ex's didn't care why he was acting the way he was they just didn't want to deal with any of it.

I think this is why my bf has such a hard time believing that I am in this for the long haul and I'm not going anywhere.