Ashamed of Angry Texting

[susannahsays]

I recently finally started talking to the therapist about some of the things that happened when I was little. This has caused me to feel really out of control in terms of our relationship and I want to lash out even more than I have on previous occasions. I hate feeling vulnerable and I am terrified. I think that's really what it gets down to - that I am completely and utterly terrified.

The vulnerability feels so intolerable to me that I have been acting out with increased frequency by sending angry texts. I can't seem to control myself. I mean, I am doing it so I must have the capability to control myself, but it really doesn't feel that way. My impulsivity is off the charts.

A couple sessions ago, the therapist said I wouldn't let anyone care about me and I wouldn't let her get close to me. The thing is, she keeps saying she cares about me. Then in my mind I just call her a liar and come up with "evidence" that she doesn't. And I am terrified of her being close to me and hurting me. I think I'm panicking because it feels like I've already let her too close. Last week, she forgot to tell me that the office had been closed due to the hurricane. I only found out because I texted her. So of course, that gave me lots of ammo. Then yesterday, she went over with the client before me and she never goes over. Ever. So then I was hoping she would keep me waiting for 15 minutes or something so I could march out in a huff and tell her I assumed she forgot me again.

Anyway, point is, I'm panicking and I think I'm going to screw everything up if I can't get myself under control. She ignored the angry texts I sent her yesterday and overnight. I'm scared she's mad at me. Yet that only makes me want to escalate further.

How do I not make this worse? Right now my finger is on the trigger, ready to burn everything down to the ground. Feels like I won't be safe until I'm surrounded by smoldering ruins.

 

[grit]

I am really sorry you are triggered and seem to be semiconcous about it. Rage and fear mix together can really be a heavy price to pay.
I wonder if you can journal to get the rage out. It looks your alliance with the therapist is good so I think that helps but you need another safe outlets out of therapy.
Who hurt you this bad in the past?

 

[Teamwork]

You have a really good sense of where you are heading, which takes thought, which bypasses impulsive behavior. So if you can step back and recognize the difference between impulsive texting and acted upon your feelings texting, you will be able to reduce it. Keep telling yourself, I don’t need to act on my thoughts, after all they are just thoughts. We often get caught up in our thinking, but if we step away from it and do something else we see the fire dwindle. It will only stay burning if we keep adding one thought to another. If I was doing this, and have in the past, what fixed it was to write elsewhere, wait 24 hrs, see if it really held the same passion. Impulsivity is when we do not think. You are thinking. It is great you wrote your thinking here because already you have taken it to a place where others can help. You can be proud the next time you see her to be able to say, I was having a lot of panic and was texting, but was able to reduce it by doing this. Together we can work on extinguishing it so I can start to sense what a secure relationship is like, without pushing it to where you may say enough is enough and not see me, or ask me not to text at all. Essentially you are in a great position of deciding, your boundary and how to manage it.

 

[Deanna]

Something you can text is okay but u can't tell her to her face. You need to talk about volunerabilty. I have issues with it as well.

 

[Ronin]

Can you not text at all for a while?

Remove yourself from the situation, if the texting itself leads to massive emotional swings like that and makes you lash out.

 

[piratelady]

Then in my mind I just call her a liar and come up with "evidence" that she doesn't

I have this issue. My therapist has been getting me to tell him those things that run through my head, the “evidence” I have. Then we talk about that evidence and he usually has a logical argument to counteract my thought process. Then I usually have another argument, which I tell him and he counters. It’s been incredibly helpful.

I guess I’m wondering if you can talk about your evidence with her and have a candid conversation about it.

 

[Tinyflame]

My situation is not exactly the same, but I get the 'evidence' part.

I can only say, discuss it if they are willing and you care to, be open to hearing.

For myself, I know the evidence is way too far weighted as accurate. My brain is telling me what isn't true.

I have decided because of the absence of otherwise, because of all the earned opposite, that it is mostly my brain. At some point you (I) have to decide to be all-in, or in a way it's just looking for evidence to be out. I feel now, anyway.

This is telling to me:

How do I not make this worse? Right now my finger is on the trigger, ready to burn everything down to the ground. Feels like I won't be safe until I'm surrounded by smoldering ruins.

It's hard to feel like it could be ok, or that it's deserved.

The upside is however, then (I) don't harm or insult someone who doesn't deserve that, in fact deserves the opposite. And I have that (great) trusting- if I allow it.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[Skywatcher]

Your lashing out is a protective behavior. In my world, one of my “parts” would be doing this job. I call it my protector tornado. My therapist asked me how old it is. Compared it to the Great and Powerful Oz. Who is the scared, small person at the controls? She assumed a much younger piece of me. She wished she could zip open the tornado costume to see who was inside. Step one is to figure out who this part is, be understanding and compassionate. It amazes me that after figuring this out and showing understanding you may have a young child staring back at you. It works out, in time.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry to add, but something occurred to me which describes better what I meant (but I'm not a 'parts' person, sorry).

I think for a person who doesn't experience this, they trust until it's not warranted. We know we plan to do that too, trust unless it's not warranted, but our radar for 'not warranted' is picking up everything from chaff to birds, all the while overlooking the real threats. >Especially if we are really falling apart or freaked out (including after disclosure). So yes, it may have to do with closeness, and trust always includes vulnerability, but our amygdalas are really over doing it. Because revealing what happened should not make the receiver associated with the perpetrator(s) or triggers. But I understand.

I have been lucky because I often thought there would be horrors after I said anything, and there wasn't like I thought there'd be. I guess you have to trust you can accept however she will feel/ react, after you tell her the truth. And part of the truth is how you feel, and why. I really don't think it's your fault, or intended, or her fault either, that you are feeling this way. :hug:

 

[hithere]

some therapists cannot handle it, so it can lead to problems no matter how well trained or grounded the therapist is. If your therapist can work with you on it, and help you see where it's coming from that would be wonderful for you. Doing parts work can help calm this down and be quite freeing if you can see what this part is trying to "protect you from" and ask it to step back and maybe do something else for you that would be helpful. It can keep a watchful eye, but hurting the relationship with the therapist is not helpful.

 

[susannahsays]

Thanks for the support and feedback everybody. I'm going to try to be honest about what's going on with me in my session today.

 

[susannahsays]

Things went ok, but (surprise, surprise) the urge to self sabatoge is still there since it was pretty much a marathon of vulnerability. I can't stop cringing.

Right off the bat I lost my nerve and was a complete coward. I pretty much tried to crawl out of my skin rather than have any sort of honest conversation with the therapist. Whenever I act out between sessions, she always says something along the lines of "Well, I guess we'd better talk about [x]" at the beginning. Today, I heard myself say no. She said we needed to talk about it, though and she said she hadn't been sure if I was going to even come. That actually took me by surprise. I have on occasion been guilty of texting such ridiculousness as "I'm never speaking to you again!" but hadn't said anything like that this time or made any threats about not coming. Despite making threats a few times, I've never followed through, and I didn't even make a threat this time nor had it even crossed my mind to not come. I felt pretty bad. She also thought I was really angry with her, so I felt shitty about that, too. At one point she said the texts were kind of hurtful, which I already suspected, but damn... felt bad getting confirmation. I did apologize and she accepted my apology.

Anyway, I think we covered some important stuff. I'm just smarting a bit from it all. I wish I'd had the foresight to point out to her that talking about this would increase the feelings that I am currently dealing with by acting out in various ways. I don't see her again until next Wednesday, and I'm worried my paranoia and fear of vulnerability will run away from me again before then. I don't want to have another unfortunate episode of hostile behavior, especially immediately after the last.

I just can't turn off my brain. At this moment, I can't stop thinking about how today I told her this one thing that had happened a few times as part of the CSA. She had wanted an example of where I had learned that people being nice to me leads to getting hurt. I could probably have come up with an example that wouldn't have been so very sensitive, but it was the first one that jumped to mind because it has kept coming up in my head lately and is one of the most painful and confusing things to ever happen to me. And I should mention, when I am with the therapist, I have much less trouble with the paranoid and irrational thoughts about her. It's still there, but she feels safer in reality than theoretically and at a distance, if that makes any sense. So I shared the example.

Now I'm panicking about it almost to the point of tears and I hardly ever cry. One of the hardest things about my irrational thoughts about the therapist is that it's not as simple as having a belief or fear. My mind also provides vivid cut scenes to go with potential scenarios. Sometimes I even have nightmares about this stuff. There have been points where the thoughts about this stuff are just as intrusive as the thoughts about things that have actually happened. What's particularly hard to deal with is when I'm getting bogged down by intrusive trauma memories or thoughts and then having intrusive delusional thoughts about the therapist hurting me in some way after I shared them with her.

Right now I still recognize that the thought that keeps popping up about the therapist deciding I was a bad kid based on what I said today doesn't make sense and I can deal with it. But what if I have a bad dream tonight where she tells me that I'm a dirty bad girl? Or if it's her face on a perpetrator? How do I yank myself back to reality and reject the siren song of delusions that tell me she is at best a bystander who will inevitably hurt me the same way as the perpetrators or bystanders of sexual abuse?

I feel so tired.