Ashamed of Angry Texting

[Ronin]

I'm open to the idea that I have a fear of abandonment by the therapist

I think the diagnostic criteria maay mean something slightly else than layman terms for emotions.
In, fear of abandonment means the way of attaching, as a whole.
Not if you are afraid of this concrete form of abandonment, as a feeling.

I honestly don't think I split on her, though.

Ditto, it does not mean just polarization & views you are conscious of.
Its more subtle & going to extremes about how you relate, not if you think she is bad...
But that she cannot have the same value at all times, neutral, just being, instead any other actions to secure that relation are needed.

 

[susannahsays]

I think the diagnostic criteria maay mean something slightly else than layman terms for emotions.
In, fear of abandonment means the way of attaching, as a whole.
Not if you are afraid of this concrete form of abandonment, as a feeling.


Ditto, it does not mean just polarization & views you are conscious of.
Its more subtle & going to extremes about how you relate, not if you think she is bad...
But that she cannot have the same value at all times, neutral, just being, instead any other actions to secure that relation are needed.

Eh, I just don't see it. I think the whole point regarding idealization and devaluation is that it IS polarization and basically you go from thinking someone is awesome to horrible. I get what you are saying about extremes of ways of relating, but that comes back to idealizing or devaluing the person, or to some other issue. For me, it is another issue and there is actually another criteria for BPD that I do think is congruent with what I experience - Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. I strongly, STRONGLY identify with the transient stress related paranoid ideation bit. It's really hard to explain what goes on in my head and how thinking things like that maybe she thinks my trauma is funny wouldn't be devaluing her. I totally get that. The thing is, when I'm having a delusion that she definitely finds the trauma stuff I tell her funny, I don't actually have any thoughts about what that would mean in terms of the kind of person she is. In a crazy way, I guess she does stay pretty stable to me, but the way I see myself varies pretty wildly based on whatever craziness my mind comes up with. I guess if you can idealize and devalue yourself, I might be guilty of that.

So to rewrite what you said:

But that I cannot have the same value at all times, neutral, just being, instead any other actions to secure my view of myself (especially as she tells me I am supposed to see myself) are needed.

 

[blackemerald1]

You've mentioned a couple of times that just recently you have revealed some of your csa trauma to her and then there have been these slight deviations in the therapists usual tightly controlled schedule. I think you are correct in suspecting it is a perfect storm and it has destabilized you and probably this has caused the lashing out with the texting to her.

Are you lashing out at anyone else via text?

If not, I think your insights are on the mark. I don't think you have to look for other disorders or behavioural traits to explain why you are doing it. You know it is inappropriate and you strongly suspect why you are doing it. I'd suggest don't labour over why or do a forensic analysis of yourself any further. Or do it with her?

Move onto what you can do to physically stop the behaviour.

 

[shatter eyes]

I recently finally started talking to the therapist about some of the things that happened when I was little. This has caused me to feel really out of control in terms of our relationship and I want to lash out even more than I have on previous occasions. I hate feeling vulnerable and I am terrified. I think that's really what it gets down to - that I am completely and utterly terrified.

The vulnerability feels so intolerable to me that I have been acting out with increased frequency by sending angry texts. I can't seem to control myself. I mean, I am doing it so I must have the capability to control myself, but it really doesn't feel that way. My impulsivity is off the charts.

A couple sessions ago, the therapist said I wouldn't let anyone care about me and I wouldn't let her get close to me. The thing is, she keeps saying she cares about me. Then in my mind I just call her a liar and come up with "evidence" that she doesn't. And I am terrified of her being close to me and hurting me. I think I'm panicking because it feels like I've already let her too close. Last week, she forgot to tell me that the office had been closed due to the hurricane. I only found out because I texted her. So of course, that gave me lots of ammo. Then yesterday, she went over with the client before me and she never goes over. Ever. So then I was hoping she would keep me waiting for 15 minutes or something so I could march out in a huff and tell her I assumed she forgot me again.

Anyway, point is, I'm panicking and I think I'm going to screw everything up if I can't get myself under control. She ignored the angry texts I sent her yesterday and overnight. I'm scared she's mad at me. Yet that only makes me want to escalate further.

How do I not make this worse? Right now my finger is on the trigger, ready to burn everything down to the ground. Feels like I won't be safe until I'm surrounded by smoldering ruins.

I hope you feel better because my DBT T does the same thing if I am freakn out, updating her, disociating into happy mood sharing animal pics, well wishing have a nice, seeing cyclist get crushed, is no response. She is not mad but what she said which made me feel stupid is that if i want her to respond i need to tell her what happen and what skills i have used before texting her. It hurt when she reminded me she is not my friend. She is therapist with goal to help me build my skills to handle emotions.

I know it feels good to express your anger and what i learned is that once we hit send we cannot take it back. Also blowing stuff into ruins is easy but putting back the pieces will not be so easy.

Hang in there and trust the process if possible.

 

[Sideways]

She is therapist with goal to help me build my skills to handle emotions.

This. Our T’s perspective on the relationship is so often completely different to the one we have in our head. For us, it’s incredibly personal, we’re vulnerable, we need to learn trust, we need to share intimate details.

For them, this is their job: this person needs this kind of professional assistance with these specific clinical issues.

In that, they’re helping us learn to manage our bigtime emotions, but also how to manage a healthy relationship, with healthy boundaries, healthy communication skills - the whole lot.

I know it feels good to express your anger and what i learned is that once we hit send we cannot take it back.

Being able to differentiate “this is my emotion: I’m angry”, and hit pause? For me helps change the behavioural responses to that emotion.

So, if I come away from therapy feeling paranoid (my personal one was that my T now had “control” of my story, and was out there walking around doing unknown things with it)? That’s pretty normal. What I’m learning, though, is how to notice that and hit pause, so that I can choose what behaviour I use to manage that emotion. My gut instinct to cut all ties with my T, and look at moving interstate would be a series of behaviours that are reactions to my paranoia. But they’re aren’t helpful for me, they are self-destructive. The paranoia and fear is real, and I need to manage it, do something with it. That moment of pause, between the emotion and the behavioural response to the emotion, can be 2 seperate things, rather than one big self-destructive mess.

@susannahsays - you recognise that this isn’t exactly in your Top 5 Best Choices I’ve Ever Made. But don’t for a second feel like you need to attach any shame to this.

I’ve done worse than a few angry text messages. With one of my T’s I crossed the line big time. He could’ve called the cops or an ambulance for me. He terminated me instantly instead. But the point is? Loads of us have been exactly where you are. So, be gentle with yourself. Working through this stuff is hard, but the skills you’re gaining in the process are so incredibly helpful with navigating interpersonal relationships.

 

[susannahsays]

Are you lashing out at anyone else via text?

Nope, only her.

 

[HealingMama]

I do have ADHD, but I don't think I can claim this has anything to do with that. I have wondered about BPD, but I don't really identify with some of the things people with BPD seem to have in common. For example, I can't say that I have a fear of abandonment and it seems like that's pretty central to BPD. Granted, maybe it's just that I let so few people near me that it never comes up. I also don't really do the splitting and idealizing/devaluing thing and have trouble grasping what that must be like. When I start having the irrational thoughts I've detailed here about the therapist, I'm not actually devaluing her or angry at her - it's at myself. I describe my texts as angry because I know that's how they come across and how she has described them - and I can see why.

Hi. I relate to this so much. I never let therapists close enough to play this out with them but this is what I do to my husband. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child but don't take anything for it now. I think it's just attachment terror. Were you raised by a narcissist by chance?

 

[susannahsays]

Hi. I relate to this so much. I never let therapists close enough to play this out with them but this is what I do to my husband. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child but don't take anything for it now. I think it's just attachment terror. Were you raised by a narcissist by chance?

No. My dad had some severe anger issues when I was young and the mother suffered from severe depression. They were both really unpredictable and were each abusive in different ways, but I don't think I can claim either of them is a narcissist. The abuse that occurred directly at their hands that was most damaging to me I think was a result of severe postpartum depression and likely postpartum psychosis. I think the mother suffered with this after she had me, which made her depression worse (which she didn't know she suffered at the time because she thought everyone felt like that). She never received treatment and then when my little sister was born three and a half years later, she really went off the deep end. At some point, she did get put on antidepressants, but the damage was done.

 

[pam4him]

Sounds like you are on the right track. Those emotional storms can be so hard sometimes. I'm glad you have worked through it. I hope the texting has/is subsiding. Keep on keeping on. You got this!

 

[unbrokenn]

I’m actually really impressed with how self aware you are about this, so props to you for having this awareness and insight.
I’d say for you to begin rationally thinking over what will the effect be of this text you send. Also, think rationally about what situation this is. Pick it apart from a purely objective standpoint as if you were a robot, and then you’ll be able to see if your choices are tinged with emotion or not.

 

[susannahsays]

I had a really hard session today. Feels excruciating letting the therapist in like this. I'm not sure it's worth it. I told her a really bad memory and she responded appropriately. Am I supposed to now feel better? Because I actually feel worse. I hate the idea that the therapist has this information. I'm disgusted with myself for telling her about something so personal - something that I have never told anyone else. I hate it. Not only did I tell her what happened, but I told her exactly how I felt when it happened. I feel violated - not by the therapist, but by myself.

I want her to delete my session from her mind (and my chart), but that's impossible. So now I'm really triggered. As of right now, I don't feel like sending any inappropriate texts since I pretty much wish I didn't exist and that I could somehow disappear from the therapist's radar undetected. The last thing I feel like doing is drawing attention to myself. But I'm also starting to panic, and that's never good for my impulse control in general. I keep having odd thoughts, like what if I broke myself accidentally on purpose falling off my bf's motorcycle, then I couldn't go to my session on Friday.

 

[susannahsays]

But also, I realized I left out this one thing I did during the thing that happened and I feel like I have to tell her. But I don't want to because I don't want to speak of that thing that happened ever again. But I do want to because then maybe she'll see who I really am and act accordingly.

But then I wonder if I'm doing that thing where I'm just trying to get her to be mean to me or act like somebody I understand.

And now I'm having thoughts about how I could distract her from everything we've been talking about at my next session. This is where the real danger for me lies, I think. This is where I will become very tempted to act out to distract from the real issue.

I feel like everything I think of to do is the wrong thing. If I cancel, that is probably the wrong thing. If I go, there's a good chance I'll act out to head off any discussion of the topics of last session. And if I don't do that and talk about the thing I told her, I'll find a way to make that the wrong thing, too.

I feel perverse and overflowing with badness.