The PTSD Jacket Removal

[Kieran]

Hi guys,

I hope you're are all doing well and are having a nice day/night. :)

Please forgive me if I don't make much sense, but...

Lately it feels as though I've lost myself to PTSD. The best way to describe it is I feel like an empty shell; just flowing, no identity to latch on to.

Many years ago, a therapist used an interesting metaphor. To survive my traumas, I had to put on this jacket and over time, this jacket contained painful memories, symptoms, emotions, etc. Trouble is, I've forgotten how to live as the man underneath it.

It's really that simple and that complicated. I just feel empty. Nothingness. Not that I don't feel anything, I feel plenty. But I as a person don't feel like a person.

PTSD recovery has been a bumpy 4 years or so, and I'm just wondering if anyone can relate and what they've done to help themselves through this.

I don't seem recognizable. Neither are most of the things I once loved.

Yet, I do survive daily. I recognize I survived my traumas for a reason. Yet to live, I don't understand it.

 

[AnnieMae]

I understand. I feel the same way, although it’s not as bad as it used to be. I am just so confused. Everything is so confusing. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I could turn back the clock and change things, but I can’t. I get that it is all delusional, but it’s all going to fall back on me anyway. I feel like there really is no help for anything anymore. I’ve lost my close relationships with my family. My brother and sister have moved away, and my life just keeps getting weirder and weirder. I freaked out and talked to psychics so everything is a trigger. And not knowing gives me just as much anxiety as thinking I know. I am going to do some digging into my past, and I know I am not going to like what I find. I just wish I could have a different life, that’s all, but everything is so hard. It never used to be.
I wish there was something that I could say has helped me. I don’t think there is much that has. Maybe therapy. All I know is I am still confused. I know that taking something for sleep has definitely helped me. But not really sure what else has.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@Kieran I created a super shirt for when I had to be in the same place as my abuser....so my shirt made me "strong" and felt less.....and usually coped with the visit (as he had my father and the only way to see my father was to see my brother-my abuser). When I was away from the abuser, it wasn't until then I could make headway and take better care of me....and start to figure out what feeling feelings and just everyday living was. I realized what I was looking for in my life was a general sense of contentment....when will my journey be enough? When I'm contented.
So, I wrote down all the things I'd like to do, and started trying them.....things that I could do to express my feelings (cooking, clay, drawing, music, writing, poetry, and photography). I read about trauma, and wrote a lot of my trauma down. I looked at my health....and am losing weight and trying to kick the coke habit. I don't know....I cut out the bad stuff like listening to negative (news, violent shows, negative drama) and increased the silly shows (like the Addams family-I just recently turned it on and the stupidity was quite funny and I realized things watching it now that I didn't before. Any way, I've come to the conclusion that to live I have to get out of bed and do those normal things everyone else does, and set goals and accomplish them....I think that is a part of living that you can kinda measure.....set-attain.
So I divorced the X- check that one-outcome=less stress; bought a new home=less stress ; I take art lessons and classes=helpful expressing my trauma; I got a new therapist (to be determined); I took a trip with a friend this summer-check that box-it went well. These are big things. From week to week, getting what I set out to do for the day is living. I try to plan "fun" things like a movie, getting hair done, or checking out Lowes for cool house stuff as "living" or just doing nature.....that's living. So, how would you define living....what do you have to do to "live"?
I'm not done talking about my trauma, but better sleep hygiene and better health and eating habits are definitely important. oh, and make a bucket list....I did, and I'm able to check off one thing (it's been 2 years).

 

[lil_fighter]

Many years ago, a therapist used an interesting metaphor. To survive my traumas, I had to put on this jacket and over time, this jacket contained painful memories, symptoms, emotions, etc. Trouble is, I've forgotten how to live as the man underneath it.

This is a really interesting metaphor. I had not thought of it like this before but it makes sense. I wonder if the jacket that has become full of painful memories, symptoms and emotions can be emptied in any way. Whether you can free yourself of them, as it is a lot to carry. Of course, keeping the jacket on as a form of self-protection is fine but perhaps unzipping the jacket slightly bit by bit and letting those emotions free will help the jacket to feel less claustrophobic and full. It may also help you to find space for the man underneath the jacket to be able to wear the jacket more comfortably.

For me, I was able to make that initial contact with the real me again through creative arts - dance etc. It helped me to be aware of my body and getting in touch with who I am within that body is work in progress I am still working on it. Being able to laugh again but truly feel happiness without medication numbing my emotions was another healer for me ?

 

[Ronin]

I don't seem recognizable. Neither are most of the things I once loved.

Either it comes back.... Or you find different things. To live for, love, laugh about, cherish, protect, keep.

 

[Friday]

Either it comes back.... Or you find different things. To live for, love, laugh about, cherish, protect, keep.

This. All of this.

 

[Fahrenheit451]

Many years ago, a therapist used an interesting metaphor. To survive my traumas, I had to put on this jacket and over time, this jacket contained painful memories, symptoms, emotions, etc. Trouble is, I've forgotten how to live as the man underneath it.

I guess how you deal with the trauma is very individualized. My psychologist had me build a container to hold the memories. I decided on a very nice wooden box that I built and decorated in my mind. About every third session we would go back in time and I would gently put a memory inside and then close the top. When I say gently it was because a lot of those memories were of children that I lost during my career, and although they brought me great pain I wanted to treats those memories with profound respect.
Now after a lot of work I can open the box now and then and deal with the memory and not the trauma.
Kieran, maybe it’s time to take off the jacket and look for something else to hold those memories.

 

[katz]

I guess how you deal with the trauma is very individualized. My psychologist had me build a container to hold the memories. I decided on a very nice wooden box that I built and decorated in my mind. About every third session we would go back in time and I would gently put a memory inside and then close the top. When I say gently it was because a lot of those memories were of children that I lost during my career, and although they brought me great pain I wanted to treats those memories with profound respect.
Now after a lot of work I can open the box now and then and deal with the memory and not the trauma.
Kieran, maybe it’s time to take off the jacket and look for something else to hold those memories.

A box is a good idea. I have a room with the floor covered in papers. I have to pick them up and read/acknowledge them , then
I can file it away in the appropriate drawer/folder.

My papers will never go away, and I can certainly get to them if necessary. But once they have been filed--I find that I can leave them behind--in my past. (Where they belong)

 

[Starfire]

I can relate at this point in time. I picture an enormous overstuffed coat. Perhaps it's protection. Went to an event today that I anticipated would be emotional. Thought had *properly* prepared with help of T. But put on that big coat....feel nothing.

 

[Fahrenheit451]

But once they have been filed--I find that I can leave them behind--in my past. (Where they belong)

Myself, I never tried to leave these memories in the past. This might sound really weird but they have become so ingrained with who I am that they’re now a integral part of me. They’ve shaped the person that I am today. And I hope I’m a better person for it.

 

[TruthSeeker]

This is a really interesting metaphor. I had not thought of it like this before but it makes sense. I wonder if the jacket that has become full of painful memories, symptoms and emotions can be emptied in any way. Whether you can free yourself of them, as it is a lot to carry. Of course, keeping the jacket on as a form of self-protection is fine but perhaps unzipping the jacket slightly bit by bit and letting those emotions free will help the jacket to feel less claustrophobic and full. It may also help you to find space for the man underneath the jacket to be able to wear the jacket more comfortably.

For me, I was able to make that initial contact with the real me again through creative arts - dance etc. It helped me to be aware of my body and getting in touch with who I am within that body is work in progress I am still working on it. Being able to laugh again but truly feel happiness without medication numbing my emotions was another healer for me ?

@Kieran In your head, can you imagine this jacket your T spoke of on you? Can you feel the weight of it? If so, close your eyes, and take off the jacket.....but put another different one back on that is not so heavy, and is protective....like a super suit. If you can work with this metaphor, and visual imagery and create a protective suit...feel how much lighter it is........it's okay to change. Esp to a jacket that makes you feel safe (whatever color, and powers it has)

Now this I can do and have done in my head. I got this idea from teaching sped kids, who needed protection during high anxiety periods, tests. They were given a homework assignment to create a personalized super suit (first draw it) and then imagine it on, and describe it to their class mates. My middle school kids really liked using their imaginations and supersuits made them feel more powerful. Having a cool, self-designed suit changed their whole demeanor. Next they had to decide which apps they needed to download into their suit before a test (focus, test taking app, access to information app, positivity app...e.tc. My kids who acknowledged use of the supersuit concept during the test.... for test anxiety state standards passing scores went up 75% (those who had failed first go round) because they imagined they had power and what it took to feel safe and pass a test. It also worked for me in the presence of my abuser......really made lots of difference and so very much helped with grounding and having a feeling of power over the situation when I was anywhere near my abuser. Positive Imagination can be a wonderful thing...if you dare to use it.....with PTSD/CPTSD and anxiety-especially. Just my experiences.

 

[PreciousChild]

Hi @Kieran, to me what you describe sounds like depersonalization. When I was in college, I (my head) and my feelings (my body) were two different things that I could not connect. Most of the time, I felt nothing and I even became selectively mute. It's been a long journey of healing since then, so my only advice is that with time, I know things can become more integrated. For me, the crucial thing was to integrate all my feelings, especially the negative ones. As van der Kolk and others talk about, it is the feelings of worthlessness, stupidity, and general wrongness and badness that also hold our true selves for many reasons. I kind of balk at the idea of putting them away in a box. Once I liberated the feelings of worthlessness and just lived with it, I discovered that those feelings were not true reflections about myself, but a reaction necessitated by what my parents were doing and my need to survive. I was able to slowly become more integrated and more free from the grips of my ptsd with work.