Self-compassion leads to destructive thoughts?

[Mach123]

I don't have much compassion for him. I've run all these exercises and I can't get there. Idk what could have been done for him or with him. My therapist said once she might, if she had come in the situation, have removed me from my mother and father, but what would that have accomplished? Foster homes? It's unimaginable to me besides,it's the only love I knew. My parents weren't doing anything to me and I think my mom did but I was so young it's kinda attached to a lot of pleasurable baby feelings and body sensations so that's partly how it's so messed up. Pleasure that's so intense and shame. Not exactly a winning combination.

 

[Friday]

Your acts of compassion are about control. Stopping the otherwise uncontrollable trauma through not being alive in the first place. That’s not the exercise your therapist asked you to do. He didn’t ask you to control if the trauma happened or not. If you were never alive, no reason to apply compassion for suffering abuse because the abuse never happened. You are still trying to control the abuse ever happening with the ultimate price of your very life.

Underscoring this, because it’s brilliant.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Justmehere does that only apply to very small children? And also what about one's own reactions?

Thank you.

 

[Justmehere]

@Tinyflame - I'm not sure if this gets at your question, but Dr. Allender wrote about how he first noticed this phenomenon of self-contempt (and lack of compassion) as an act to seek a false sense of control, as a maladaptive way to cope with the pain of abuse, for adults that survived sexual abuse. Even if they had a freeze, fight, flight, or fawn response. He especially pointed out the mix of pleasure and pain feelings and sensations that can come up for a survivor of sexual abuse can make self-contempt an especially tempting way to find control, but he and other writers point to this same kind of thing happening for other forms of abuse. It applies not just to young children, but teenagers and adults too. Kids sometimes add an extra layer of magical thinking to it, but some adults definitely do it too after all kinds of trauma.

 

[Mach123]

I'd like also to say about your title, I had a very interesting experience. I'd say it a little differently what happened was "self compassion led to self destructive behaviour."

When the therapist told me it's not your fault, and as I internalised that notion, it allowed me to engage willingly in self destructive behaviour I would have avoided by "turning my disapproval on it", meaning bad feelings. Using bad feelings to prevent bad or undesirable outcomes.

So when I arrived at I'm ok, you're ok, I also arrived at everything is ok, including this self destructive behaviour. I hope that makes sense, I've tried to explain it before lol.

I'm a little less ok now, but I'm better because I stopped doing some of those things.

 

[Mee]

@Tinyflame - I'm not sure if this gets at your question, but Dr. Allender wrote about how he first noticed this phenomenon of self-contempt (and lack of compassion) as an act to seek a false sense of control, as a maladaptive way to cope with the pain of abuse, for adults that survived sexual abuse. Even if they had a freeze, fight, flight, or fawn response. He especially pointed out the mix of pleasure and pain feelings and sensations that can come up for a survivor of sexual abuse can make self-contempt an especially tempting way to find control, but he and other writers point to this same kind of thing happening for other forms of abuse. It applies not just to young children, but teenagers and adults too. Kids sometimes add an extra layer of magical thinking to it, but some adults definitely do it too after all kinds of trauma.

Definitely identifying with this. Will go and read

 

[Mee]

Dogwoodtree, my basic understanding is we ‘talk to ourselves’ with the inner voice that reflects best how we were spoken to by care givers. If that was not compassionate we didn’t learn to have self compassion.

A friend gave me the gift of suggesting I use his daughter as the stand in for visual of my inner child. You could use your own children. Imagine speaking or viewing them how your inner voice is regarding you. It might be easier to switch that up? I have found it so.

Your question brought forward answers I too found useful so thank you for asking it.

 

[katz]

On a similar note, this thread made me start to think about my childhood-if you can call it that. I remember sitting on the floor in my bedroom, alone, admitting to myself that "this is what life is going to be". Kind of like...giving up the fight. I gave up on myself.

To this day, I find that I can't, or don't want to, stand up for what I want. I learned that "this is life". And I just have to accept it as it is. This just makes me "go thru" life. I'm doing the right things, trying to be a nice person, working, and trying to be "normal". But, just waiting for it to end. How sad.

I would really like to find or experience what "life" is supposed to be--like I would ever know, if it did. I even watch others to get ideas of what I would like it to be. Sounds silly, doesn't it? Like anyone else's life could be mine. Everyone is different.