How to Make Myself Talk

[piratelady]

I’ve gone silent. Here, in my personal journal at home, in therapy. I can’t make myself say what is in my head, what I need to say.

Therapist and I agree, we’re at my core issue. The worst of the abuse that, as he says, has its fingers in so many other areas of my life. He is trying to get me to believe it wasn’t my fault. I do believe that, mostly. With it comes so many feelings that I can’t deal with though. Ideally I would deal with them in therapy.

A couple of weeks ago we talked through it again, how it was step-dad1’s fault. He asked me to say it. To say “It was

Well, you get it. I can’t though. I can’t say it, I can’t write it, I can’t type it. The minute I approach writing or saying that statement above my heart races, I get really tense, and I freeze. I can’t do it.

The problem is I can’t walk away from it either. It’s like I’ve swam out into the middle of the pool and I can’t make myself keep swimming to the other side, but can I swim back to the shallow end either.

I can’t journal about much else either. Like here, this is the most I’ve said in ages. If I try to talk about what’s in my head, the trauma, how I feel, anything, the same thing happens, I freeze up. I can’t make myself do it.

The problem is this is unbearable. I need help through this. That’s the only my way I know to make this hurt and turmoil stop.

Does anyone have any ideas. Please help.

 

[Ronin]

Well done on the post. ;)

Are there any pieces you can talk about, or a way to be roundabout way to talk it?
You obviously need some distance... so what gives you that extra space?

Eventually, what do you think (deep down) will happen if you talk?

In case the freeze up isn't the topic... but what followed or you still on a very real level believe will.

 

[piratelady]

Are there any pieces you can talk about, or a way to be roundabout way to talk it?

I’ve emailed him that he knows what happened. I did that quite some time ago. We thought it mostly processed. He’s noticed though that every time I get triggered, I wind up back at that first incident. So, it’s not processed.

I gave up last week and emailed him that when I see him on Monday, I want to start really dealing with it/ processing it. Only, I still don’t know how to manage to talk.

Eventually, what do you think (deep down) will happen if you talk?

He pulled, what I call a Good Will Hunting, on me back in November, where he got me to really believe it wasn’t my fault. The emotions it brought up were incredibly overwhelming. I just felt so vulnerable, hurt, helpless. I cried uncle and said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. If we go back there again, those feelings will be too overwhelming. He won’t be able to help me deal with them. It will break me. What if it’s too much for anyone to help me get through? Like I’m too broken for anyone to help.

 

[somerandomguy]

I wonder ... can you say, or type, "It wasn't my fault" without adding any qualifiers like "mostly?"

 

[Ronin]

So talk with him before about how to help you, and don't go there until you gain confidence he will help you.

Also, you survived it. Back then and every time you relive it. Still alive, still strong. It won't break you.

But that fear of the break?
Definitely something deep to work through, first.

 

[piratelady]

"It wasn't my fault"

No. it’s no different than saying whose fault it was. It just brings up all those feelings.

So talk with him before about how to help you, and don't go there until you gain confidence he will help you.

We’ve had that talk. He’s helped me in the past but this is just so much worse. I mean, no one has ever seen me when I’ve let my guard down or been vulnerable and not scolded me or turned away from me. What if he does that? What if he fires me? He knows that scares me and keeps telling me that he won’t, but the thought of it still terrifies me. So I’ll be a broken mess with no therapist or other support in the end.

I kind of think the only way to get past that fear is to just do it. Somehow

 

[Ronin]

Even if he fires you... Big IF...

You won't be a broken mess with no therapist.
You will be a struggling person who successfully terminated a bad therapist, and is looking for a new one.

Who can support you in crisis, better.

 

[Tinyflame]

He won't fire you, because to accomplish it is some of the very goals of therapy.

Agree to titrate it to what you can manage.

However, I would say, stuff has a way of leaking (or exploding) out, eventually. If not info, just in self-destroying actions. I know that as a person older than you, now I don't even feel as if I have any right to feel anything has happened, or is worth any right to be affected or grieve. Some of that is likely true, but in general I feel broken beyond repair, at the same time. So do it, eventually, knowing if you don't it will only get worse, not better, until one day you feel you are living in limbo with zero hope for the future.

I would think it is a good sign that those emotions are close to the surface- you don't have to even dig for them.

Hugs to you whatever you choose. :hug:

 

[Warrior Chicken]

no one has ever seen me when I’ve let my guard down or been vulnerable and not scolded me or turned away from me

This resonates with me very much, it’s that fear that holds us down from pushing past it. The unknown, but under control by the response from someone else. It’s taken loads of time and practice to get to where you are now and I see so much strength in your latest posts. Someone else’s response to our vulnerability is just that, it’s theirs. Except when we hurt from that pain caused by other people we took a chance to trust, it’s hard to accept that they don’t wish us harm in their response. For me....I worked hard to tell myself (and still have to) that my therapist does not want to harm me. He had good intentions, and wants to support my journey. But he’s human, and he has reactions. Sometimes when my trauma is running hot, it’s impossible to get that thru my head....cuz my brain is in survival mode. That’s ok, it’s doing exactly what it was designed for. It’s you that gets to make the choice how far to move in any one direction, and that’s incredibly challenging but also entirely brave.

Don’t know if it would be something useful for you to do, but when I was working on something very difficult with my therapist I set rules and outlined questions to establish guidelines so I wouldn’t be caught off guard when being vulnerable and potentially very triggered. I wrote it in an email and asked if he could respond prior to the day I decided we could talk about the trauma. As in, if you do that....doesn’t mean you have to discuss it next appointment, it’s when You decide you’re comfortable and ready.

I kind of think the only way to get past that fear is to just do it

True, and this is part of that strength I see in you.

 

[Ronin]

Reminded me...

Do you *have* to talk?
Is there a way he would help you process, bodily process, without words?

Some things don't *have* words, but could use more content silence, less the screaming kind.

 

[Deanna]

Just do it. It's consumed your life saying nothing.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you everyone.

So do it, eventually, knowing if you don't it will only get worse, not better, until one day you feel you are living in limbo with zero hope for the future.

I’m here now, in limbo with no hope. Thank you for the pep talk :hug:

when I was working on something very difficult with my therapist I set rules and outlined questions to establish guidelines so I wouldn’t be caught off guard when being vulnerable and potentially very triggered.

can I ask what kind of rules and guidelines did you establis?

Do you *have* to talk?
Is there a way he would help you process, bodily process, without words?

How does one process without words?