How to Make Myself Talk

[Tinyflame]

Oh I'm sorry @piratelady , I didn't mean it that way, it came out condescending, I am sorry. :(

No, I don't really have words but, I mean the 'other' limbo, and not the limbo of the pain of living with it.. work is near impossible, relationships are over, you are a glimmer of yourself and what is left is when it ends. It's not the limbo of 30's, or 40's but finality. However it is like now, it worsens, like 'grows', at the expense of yourself. I hope I can spare someone, is all, while you still can accomplish it. I might have thought differently about it, if someone had said it to me. :hug:

 

[piratelady]

@Tinyflame I didn’t take it as condescending at all. I took it more as motivating.

I’m not doing well. It takes everything in me lately to pretend happy. I’m barely sleeping, I can’t focus at work, I’m doing a really bad job. I cry all the time, at everything. I get triggered way more than I used to. I have suicidal thoughts almost daily. I guess I was thinking I should find a way to talk in therapy because not taking has just brought me to this point and now I’m stuck here. So, I found motivation and comfort in what you said. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding

 

[Tinyflame]

No it's ok @piratelady , stuff can get lost in text.

I suppose, I would consider: if you are not doing well not talking about it, then talking may help? And whether or not your T is on your side or not. If you can manage some self-care it can help ground.

I think even thinking about talking can be stressful, so knowing you always have an option, even to change your mind, and if your T is ok they won't mind, then you can put it away and revisit it. Even put it away for minutes or hours. I mean, it's been there for years. So talking may actually help.

I'm not a very good example, and I don't have courage, but there is something to be said for stuff losing power when it's in the open. It doesn't change anything technically, but I think it can change in 2 ways: losing some power; things are easier borne not alone; and I guess 3. You may hear wise words or a different perspective that changes a lot of how you think about it.

ETA, oh ya, and 4. It takes a lot of energy to keep secrets, and I think it makes us subconsciously feel like lousy human beings. (I mean, I shouldn't even say I'm hopeless- but then I don't really talk about stuff easily, or at all). It also 5. Definitely gives FEAR(S) more power (reference #2).

:hug:

 

[Deanna]

Are you talking about incest? Happened to me. I said nothing. At the time My family hated me and my brother. My step brother took advantage of that condition.I felt guilty by not telling him no.( I was beat down) there, I said it, and it happened about 4 times and then he stopped. He moved out of the house.

 

[piratelady]

Are you talking about incest

No, not incest. Just csa

 

[Teasel]

Wondering if maybe self care would be a helpful thing to focus on in T just now? Sounds like you are already highly stressed / fit to burst and so maybe better to focus on groundwork that helps you cope rather than dealing with the worst of your traumas just now.
Well wishes @piratelady

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Rules and guidelines.....some a bit weird but necessary for my brain. I’ll share the ones that might resonate...

- I decide if the topic can be discussed, words don’t always flow for me, so if I hand him a paper I’m allowed to stay in the room or leave while he reads.

- if I leave he texts when he’s done reading

- when talking about the trauma if I ask him to move off or change the subject, he’s allowed to keep talking about it slowly, but if I ask a second time, then we stop. (This is because if I’m not dissociated, I’ll avoid by changing topics or deflecting away from it).

- he can’t touch me

- if there’s noise outside his office, we pause, or stop so my brain has time to assess the threat

This one is his rule, but Im ok with it:
because some of my trauma involved being trapped with no escape. I’m allowed to leave if I’m too triggered, but need to come back even just to say bye.

Do you think it would be helpful to establish some rules for your T? Happy to listen if you want to share.

 

[Rumors]

I’ve gone silent. Here, in my personal journal at home, in therapy. I can’t make myself say what is in my head, what I need to say.

Therapist and I agree, we’re at my core issue. The worst of the abuse that, as he says, has its fingers in so many other areas of my life. He is trying to get me to believe it wasn’t my fault. I do believe that, mostly. With it comes so many feelings that I can’t deal with though. Ideally I would deal with them in therapy.

A couple of weeks ago we talked through it again, how it was step-dad1’s fault. He asked me to say it. To say “It was

Well, you get it. I can’t though. I can’t say it, I can’t write it, I can’t type it. The minute I approach writing or saying that statement above my heart races, I get really tense, and I freeze. I can’t do it.

The problem is I can’t walk away from it either. It’s like I’ve swam out into the middle of the pool and I can’t make myself keep swimming to the other side, but can I swim back to the shallow end either.

I can’t journal about much else either. Like here, this is the most I’ve said in ages. If I try to talk about what’s in my head, the trauma, how I feel, anything, the same thing happens, I freeze up. I can’t make myself do it.

The problem is this is unbearable. I need help through this. That’s the only my way I know to make this hurt and turmoil stop.

Does anyone have any ideas. Please help.

Yes... been working on grounding and sensorimotor movement. It's hard, but the trauma gets locked up in your body and you have to release it. It sounds crazy but I swear it works. Literally I have been in freeze mode for decades and I just shut down like I am an animal being hunted and under attack. Look up Pat Ogden and also Somatic Experiencing. Try don't mg some of your grounding while incorporating some movement and breathing. It takes some concentration but it really helps.

 

[Ronin]

Thank you everyone.

How does one process without words?

I was thinking of body work, various breathing and visualization and relaxation techniques and combination, art therapy, musical therapy, drama therapy and various social remodelling & constellations work...

Stuff I bet your therapist may have better resources, on which concretely might be an option and under which conditions plus how to refer you to if not doing these personally. ;)

 

[piratelady]

Even put it away for minutes or hours. I mean, it's been there for years. So talking may actually help.

It’s the putting it away part that’s been hard for me and got me in tgis position in the first place. Of course, now that I think about it, I’ve never actually talked about it. We barely dip our toe in and I tell him I want to stop talking about it.

ETA, oh ya, and 4. It takes a lot of energy to keep secrets, and I think it makes us subconsciously feel like lousy human beings. (I mean, I shouldn't even say I'm hopeless- but then I don't really talk about stuff easily, or at all). It also 5. Definitely gives FEAR(S) more power (reference #2).

I think this is part of my problem now. I need to talk about it.

- when talking about the trauma if I ask him to move off or change the subject, he’s allowed to keep talking about it slowly, but if I ask a second time, then we stop. (This is because if I’m not dissociated, I’ll avoid by changing topics or deflecting away from it).

A lot of what you wrote my therapist and I already have an understanding on, which makes me realize I’m maybe more concerned than is necessary. This one though...

Like I said above, every time we’ve tried to talk about this one, I almost immediately tell him to stop and he does. Maybe he and I need a rule kind of like this one. I don’t know, he always worries about not retraumatizing me.

 

[grit]

I am sorry you are reexperincing this tragic event. I personally do not believe talking about it is therapoutic all the time but I think you can reframe your actual experience now as a true memory of you probably felt when you were a child. I wondered but you went silent too and did not tell anyone? And now you are feeling almost regressing to the experience.

I hope you can be gentle with you and empathic with that great strong little girl who survived this exact feeling.
These are real memories activated in real life. Your therapist will be there for you but at this juncture his empathy is limited as human because he was not there...you were there and your adult side may step up to take care of your child memory. The fact you are held this long and deep by your therapist is admirable and amazing but he is a human and anything can happen...see if you can tap into your empathy and grief for the child you were.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Maybe he and I need a rule kind of like this one. I don’t know, he always worries about not retraumatizing me.

That’s why I think a rule like that’s important, cuz without my own understanding that we have the rule to try to break thru my avoidance it surely would feel like retraumatization. I know I have to take the challenging path to heal, avoiding it keeps me stuck.....but if it’s too much, I can still say enough for today with this rule.

Another thing that helps this rule is my therapist knows me quite well now (3yrs) and keeps an eye out for clues when I’m shutting down. He’s changed the topic a few times before I’ve said stop.

Is your therapist able to identify similar clues with you? If not maybe working on that as well could be helpful for both of you?