Anxiety You're Not Welcome Here!

[Deleted member 6617]

Hi iomdoug,

Boy, sounds like you are on a lot that could contribute to how you are feeling. I hope your GP can help you out with that. Trying right now to break an addiction to several perscription drugs (one is vallium), set off warning bells as I read your post. I really hope you can find a balance of what works. We have a hard enough time with PTSD itself, then throw the effects of these drugs in the mix and it can really mess with a person in a not so good way. Hang in there! Ask questions of your GP and get the answers you need and deserve.

Best Wishes in your journey!

PH

 

[bluecat]

thinking about Celexa, Citilopram is the same medicine I think. I was perscribed this SSRI and it made me feel absolutely trerrible, I had extreme anxiety

Hi Iomdoug,

I also had a bad experience with Celexa. Had to get off of it due to too much numbing and extreme sleepiness and was without SSRI's for about a year, but eventually couldn't handle the anxiety and was prescribed mitrazapine. Have only been taking it for a week, but so far so good, no side effects and helps with the anxiety and intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. (Or its the forum ;0) It also makes me sleepy, but I take it at night and by the morning I am fine.

 

[bluecat]

Perhaps it's not all that healthy then, to have overly-folded towels, or a squeakily clean bathtub but it's personally helpful and doesn't hurt anyone-just my wrinkled soapy fingers.

ahahaha, do I know what you're talking about Anni! My towels are in perfect columns, you could measure right angles next to them. Even though, today, first in years, I cleaned my bathroom without dissociating. It made it much faster, done in 20 min as opposed to 2 hours. I was thinking, darn, why don't I do things this way more often? I wasn't even aware that I was zoning out while doing lots of these automatic tasks. A big lightbulb went off in my head today.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Oh God....what is wrong with me? Is it anxiety, stress, what..... Today I finally convinced myself to go to the grocery store. I dislike shopping of any kind on a good day. Today was not a good day, but it was important I pick up a few things for the sake of my daughter. So, I'm in the grocery store thinking my way through the fastest way to get in, get what I need, and get out. She has been wanting corn on the cob, so I said I would get some for dinner. I walk over to the corn and completely lost it. Seeing the corn all stacked up the way it was brought back a memory I would just a soon forget. I stood there frozen in place shaking and tears running down my face. God what people must of thought. I don't know how long I stood there before I "snapped" out of it. I left the store with nothing. I couldn't deal with it. The people, the desicions, I don't know....just being there. I was suppose to go to a support group meeting tonight for abused women. I couldn't make myself go. This is not like me. I am not a home body, but all I want to do is be home. Ironic sense I am about to loose it. Got my eviction notice yesterday. Got denied for rental assistance today. Got no child support coming in. Out of ideas, out of options, out of my freaking mind!

Two weeks on Celexa....is it causing some of this high anxiety? Therapist says give it another week. She wants me to start writing a time line. Oh God...now??? Am I ready for that? I am trying so hard to survive right now...how can I possibly deal with the past. Yep, going out of my freaking mind and don't know how to stop it. The pressure has reached critical and I don't know how to release it. I need some good news! I need some practicle help!

 

[Michel]

I don't really feel comfortable saying what I think you should do, since I don't really know what your circumstances are and I know there are some problems, for which it really is very hard to get practical help. (That's why there are people who are homeless and why many of them are women who have been abused.) But I so fully understand the seriousness of needing practical help and being unable to get it. Maybe hearing from someone who has had this experience (maximally) would be welcome.

If you're worried about where you and your daughter (do you have other children?) are going to be living in the very near future, how it will be possible for you to live anyplace at all, for lack of funds, it sounds to me like you are very naturally in survival mode right now. I would focus on solving this problem first. Do go to the support group meetings - there might be a route to practical help there, and you'll be able to share what you're experiencing as you try to survive and get understanding and encouragement. Tell your therapist how serious the practical worries are. It sounds to me like she doesn't understand that. Ask her for resources. Look for resources on your own.

When it is clear that you will have a home in which to heal and take care of your child, you can get back to the trauma therapy. Seems to me.

 

[anni]

I don't know where you are located but know when I was in this position was fortunate enough to be connected to several churches. Some have disgressionary, emergency funds. The pastor has control, and can VERY privately disperse them-and do based on what they know. The ordained ministers are well-connected with social services as well as counseling and often are called in emergencies of various sorts. My father was a Lutheran minister so I know at least this synod is that way. The Catholic church also, I believe. It feels awful to have to ask, I know-awful but you did not do anything 'wrong' to get here and are doing the best, best you can. Eviction isn't tomorrow, either although I can't imagine what that did to you, seeing that paper, OH God. Are you going through Domestic Relations for support or is that not an option? I could NOT, because of quite serious ( and meant) death threats. I was finally forced to in order to gain health benefits for the children and there was hell to pay-literally. If that's not possible, believe me- it's understandable! If it is, though, some counties are QUITE aggressive getting that for you.

Please, don't feel there's a need to push yourself with groups, etc. when so much dreck is rashing around your head? It's just counter productive to expect so much of yourself-even buying corn was just that drop too much, much less sharing once more with other women in that group at the moment. Nothing gets healed much with all that adrenaline in the way, anyway, and other's stories just alarm you, not do anything to help much in that state. I'm not preaching-been there, quite simply. It's not avoiding or anything unhealthy, either-just surviving THIS.

Eviction isn't tomorrow-you have some time. There should be agencies that can even help you with that, too.

I do hope you keep at least coming here for whatever peace is here for you SO sorry to hear it's awful there right now. Do take as much care of yourself as possible.

Anni

 

[anni]

I hadn't thought of the groups as resources, as Michele pointed out. Very good point!

 

[bluecat]

I stood there frozen in place shaking and tears running down my face. God what people must of thought. I don't know how long I stood there before I "snapped" out of it. I left the store with nothing. I couldn't deal with it. The people, the desicions, I don't know....just being there. I was suppose to go to a support group meeting tonight for abused women. I couldn't make myself go. This is not like me. I am not a home body, but all I want to do is be home. Ironic sense I am about to loose it. Got my eviction notice yesterday. Got denied for rental assistance today. Got no child support coming in. Out of ideas, out of options, out of my freaking mind

Hi PH,

what you're describing sounds very similar to what I experienced after I left my abusive ex, was freshly out of homeless and just started to have PTSD. I would lose it out of nowhere in public, crying and shaking uncontrollably. I was very embarassed and scarred, but honestly, people didn't really care, and I didn't go crazy and eventually as I healed in therapy it went away.

But I agree with you, practical considerations come first. I remember when I was in my situation, I found it difficult to ask for help, because I didn't think I deserved it. Don't think that, because a/ you do deserve it and so does your child and b/ you're just getting yourself on your feet so you will be able to provide for both of you in the future. You're not a ninja to be indestructible, everyone needs a little help sometimes, plus you wouldn't be in this trouble if your state made sure your ex pays up.


I don't know your location or situation, but I googled pacific northwest, so figured thats in America, probably Washington, Idaho or Oregon or norhtern Cali, or some part of Alaska (sorry, I am very dense, when it comes to geography, and that one is not due to PTSD, lol). I know this is not what you want and you'll probably figure out a better solution, but try googling 'shelter battered women AND kids OR children. This doesn't mean you will end up in a shelter, but often they have knowledgable stuff that can direct you to some local resources more suitable for your situation. Tell them you are separated from your ex because he was violent, have no child support and about to lose your home and need resources and advice.

Here's an example of some links in Oregon. When I was separated from my ex, I badly needed tax advice (he cut me off our joint tax return) and also legal help (for RO and divorce), so I called all the nonprofits I could find. Many had nothing helpful, but I did find what I needed and got all, advocate, free legal help and free help with the taxes. You don't pay for asking and most of these lines are toll free and they exist for people in your situation.

Here are some examples of hotlines in Oregon, look for others in your state/city/town.


http://www.sboard.org/SHELTERS/OR.HTM

http://www.angelfire.com/mt/peaceresources/batteredwomen.html
http://mothersfightingforothers.wordpress.com/2007/07/28/domestic-violence-shelters-in-oregon/

Another thing to try: reach out to your local political representatives. Call and email your townhall councilors, especially if there are women, your mayor's office, your governor and senator. Tell them very politely that the legal system is failing you because you are a woman separated from a violent exhusband, single mother, and get no child support and about to lose your home. Try to get them invested in your case. These people really are YOUR representatives, paid from your taxes and there to help you.

Good luck, sorry I don't have a better advice. But I know you'll pull through, you're a fighter.:thumbs-up

peace,
Bluecat

 

[anni]

That was really, really good of you, Bluecat. I think it's a familiar situation for a lot of us and really, really REALLY hate that. All the practicle things are not only needed but help one focus all that stupid adrenaline-at least did for me a bit.

Pottershand, am thinking of you.

Anni

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Thanks all for your words of encouragement.

I have applied for every city, county, and state help that I have been able to find. Believe me, I have done the research. I am working with a organization for abused woman and have spent days and a couple nights there as needed. They have been a great resource for pointing me in directions for help and that is were I attend the support group.

Churches....don't even get me started on them. Let's just say that route was the most painful experience I have had in being judged and rejected when asking for help. Won't do that again!!!

Just got back from divorce hearing and am so frustrated with the system. Everything takes so bloody long! Put in a petition for interim child support last week. Meaning emergency....need it now petition. The courts in their ever so caring fashion have set the hearing for that for Oct. 29. What the hell don't they get about "emergency". That is more than another month away....what the hell do they think I can live on and support my kid with in the mean time. Big blow that I really can't afford.

Thanks all for your posts....

Bluecat, the list is great...thanks so much for taking time to do that! I am in Oregon by the way!

Anni....thanks for your encouraging words. You are always so uplifting and it really does make a difference. You insights seem to make it through my clouded brain and make sense to me. Hey....need some more quotes!!!!

Michel....thanks for your input as well. Yes, housing is a priority right now and my most urgent need. Actually....paying rent on the place we have. This is the perfect place for my daughter and I don't want to loose it. Safe roof over our head is so very important!

You all have been a life line....really....thanks! PH

 

[bluecat]

Hi PH,

I had a feeling you might have already been down the road reaching out to non-profits, you sound very resourceful.

I don't know what you do, if you're employed right now. When I left my ex, I didn't have a job and no savings either, but I had experience babysitting so I relied on that. It actually paid better than my 'real' job that I started later, lol. You can find people who don't mind if you have your child with you for babysitting (if she or he is little and you have no daycare) and its a pretty good income. Plus, mostly paid cash. I got my contacts by posting a little flyer with a picture of me and my nieces, where I wrote my qualifications and left a phone number. I posted them in grocery stores, pharmacy stores, coffee shops, local businesses etc. in my community and also in some 'better' towns where people could pay more, lol. If fliers are not an option, then try word of mouth. Finding a nanny is hard, I never had shortage of job offers for babysitting and it was good money. I still do it on the side.

Good luck,
Bluecat

 

[anni]

Seriously, you're the 3rd member in fairly recent history ( possibly there are more, but haven't read extensively ) to be in one of these dreadful situations across the board and maintain this focus which I envy the bejessis out of! Noone feels like it, I know, but from the perspective 'out here' I have to tell you I keep seeing forward movement, implemented plans, and just plain coherant thought! None of these did I have the ability to even comprehend at That Time. Gosh there are some awfully strong parents here, PTSD notwithstanding! I'm not slamming myself unnessasarily, it's just what was.

Hee! I'm the unhelpful member who recommended asking a church! :) It sounds like you've been bitten by some of the dreadful, socially structured ones-must have been awful, so sorry! I do know what THAT dynamic is, and wish you'd managed to have run into the actual professionals instead-worse luck!

I have a FEW quotes- will look them up to ensure they're correct. In 20 years of this dreck, one does an awful lot of looking-things-up to try to make sense of something, or anything at all!