How do you build trust with your T?

[jenkins]

Sorry, I'm new here, but T means your therapist, right?

This is where your emotional needs matter. It doesn't matter what your needs are, they are important because they are your unique needs. They are specific to you, because you are unique. I understand this might sound glib or "trendy" because I suffer from the same hypervigilance of shallow people too. You might be very needy right now and that's ok. This is what you need right now on YOUR path to healing. And your needs will change over time as you heal. The problems happen when people get lost in their neediness, and they lose control because it controls them. You don't have to go that far, but it helped me to admit I have a neediness at times. This was super hard for me to admit because I'm a man. Men aren't supposed to need anything emotional, ever. That's what society tells them over and over.

What helped me was to figure out what I needed at that time, and ask for it, whether from a therapist or partner. I figured out that I had ignored my own needs for so long I didn't know what I actually needed! It turns out my love language is physical touch so I asked my partner to stroke my head. It sounds so simple but does so much for me. But I can't ask my therapist to do that, that is inappropriate.

You have to ask people for what you need, don't ever be passive about this. You won't get what you don't ask for. Taking charge of one's life can be a big change for some people, and it can be scary because it's a new way of looking at things.

With another therapist I asked them for specific goals, and specific small steps to achieve them. I'm an engineer so I deal with details, that's just how I think. I had to ask them 3-4 times for the same thing, they also have a lot on their minds and are not perfect. Keep asking until you get what you need, or find a new therapist. Sometimes the 2 personalities (you and your T) just don't mesh well, so form healthy boundaries, and look for another therapist. One therapist just wasn't "hearing" the message I was sending 4-5 times, so I decided to leave them.

One more thing is you have unique needs, I have unique needs. So society, people who don't even know me, have no idea what I need so I stopped listening to society telling me that men have no emotional needs, and determined what I need myself.

I hope I helped you a bit. I'm new here so I hope I didn't make a faux pas.

 

[mumstheword]

Sorry, I'm new here, but T means your therapist, right?

This is where your emotional needs matter. It doesn't matter what your needs are, they are important because they are your unique needs. They are specific to you, because you are unique. I understand this might sound glib or "trendy" because I suffer from the same hypervigilance of shallow people too. You might be very needy right now and that's ok. This is what you need right now on YOUR path to healing. And your needs will change over time as you heal. The problems happen when people get lost in their neediness, and they lose control because it controls them. You don't have to go that far, but it helped me to admit I have a neediness at times. This was super hard for me to admit because I'm a man. Men aren't supposed to need anything emotional, ever. That's what society tells them over and over.

What helped me was to figure out what I needed at that time, and ask for it, whether from a therapist or partner. I figured out that I had ignored my own needs for so long I didn't know what I actually needed! It turns out my love language is physical touch so I asked my partner to stroke my head. It sounds so simple but does so much for me. But I can't ask my therapist to do that, that is inappropriate.

You have to ask people for what you need, don't ever be passive about this. You won't get what you don't ask for. Taking charge of one's life can be a big change for some people, and it can be scary because it's a new way of looking at things.

With another therapist I asked them for specific goals, and specific small steps to achieve them. I'm an engineer so I deal with details, that's just how I think. I had to ask them 3-4 times for the same thing, they also have a lot on their minds and are not perfect. Keep asking until you get what you need, or find a new therapist. Sometimes the 2 personalities (you and your T) just don't mesh well, so form healthy boundaries, and look for another therapist. One therapist just wasn't "hearing" the message I was sending 4-5 times, so I decided to leave them.

One more thing is you have unique needs, I have unique needs. So society, people who don't even know me, have no idea what I need so I stopped listening to society telling me that men have no emotional needs, and determined what I need myself.

I hope I helped you a bit. I'm new here so I hope I didn't make a faux pas.

Yes T means therapist :-).

Your suggestion of asking to have my needs met is a scary one, for me, I'll admit. Which is precisely why I should take your advice.

My love language is physical touch too. I stroke and squish my guy's head all the time. He loves it.:-) He's started to do the same for me, and give me foot massages, soooooo good.:-).

Healthy boundaries are really, a work in process, progress, for me. I really can be a bit passive-aggressive, rather than assertive and will complain to my partner but be scared to speak up for myself. So that's another thing for me to work on.

Well done you! (not that you need my approval) in regards to correcting the false perception that men don't have emotional needs and (somehow) don't deserve the same considerations as women.

I abhore chauvinistic sexism, in any form, and what's more common and socially sanctioned, in today's society (except in Islam) is sexism towards men, all the while, the self same identity politicians will try and tell us there is no difference between us. Illogical, without biological basis and contradictory.

While I've noted that (many) men seem to find action and work therapeutic and self affirming (as do plenty of women, though) over and above the level of communicative "feelings" talking, that women (often) enact, I'm a firm believing that they need to be HEARD, RESPECTED and VALIDATED, just as much, when it comes to communicating anything related to how they are feeling.

Some men have never, before, experienced this and it's no wonder rates of serious mental distress and suicidality are so high.

No, don't worry. You've made no faux pas here. I appreciate your input. Thanks @jenkins, for your input here. :-). I wish you well.

 

[mumstheword]

Update; My social avoidance and can't-leave-the-house-on-my-own agoraphobia type thing is so bad I haven't been able to see my new T for weeks.
I am seeing a support worker this thursday though. She will help me apply for some disability funding, because I want to go back to uni, and I need help getting there and getting and maintaining wellness.
My T has been understanding, but a bit negligent, which doesnt help. She has given me the name of another one who I think, is more equipped for the task I, primarily started therapy, this time.
I am missing my old T, who I had through 2017, 2018 and 2019. I love her a lot.

I am also going to go to a new gp, soon (my last one left to become a foot dr or a skin dr or something) and will explore getting a mental health plan, which is 10 sessions, tax payer funded (we all pay exorbitant tax here in au, to get public health care) and I've looked up some T's to try out, for that.
I read other peoples long term T experiences and I wish I had someone I could feel secure with, like some people here do, with their T's.