Sexual Assault does being triggered ever stop completely?

[Strangelongtrip]

That's a great point thank you @Mee ! I'll look that up, that sounds like a great piece.

 

[Ronin]

To me, they would be a rape victim, too.

(Pardon the slight OT)

The hard part about this, closer to truth?
They would be both.

Both a rapist and a victim.
And a lot of unnameable things that make things difficult, and turn one act into a lifetime of pain. In the better case - the person lived.

 

[Mee]

That's a great point thank you @Mee ! I'll look that up, that sounds like a great piece.

You are welcome. You’ll find it easily with a google search . Korbel had a column in The Rumpus with many other excellent articles touching on themes that impact mainly But not exclusively I think female victims- my husband found them touching and useful too. But this piece was picked up by Vanity Fair.

 

[Mee]

(Pardon the slight OT)

The hard part about this, closer to truth?
They would be both.

Both a rapist and a victim.
And a lot of unnameable things that make things difficult, and turn one act into a lifetime of pain. In the better case - the person lived.

Ronin , ?. This. I identify with this so much. ?. I shared here I inadvertently was involved in taking someone’s consent- in the same ( trigger relationship) mine was taken. That ‘I didn’t mean to’ does not negate the impact on that person at all. I fundamentally believe that this is why this SA and not any of the others triggered PTSD for me. But my suffering still doesn’t erase hers. Ever.

 

[Skywatcher]

When I was a child I tried to play a game on a friend that had been played on me. She said “No” and I honored her “no” and never tried that game again. Everyone has a choice. (Maybe longer term csa warps someone more than me, though). If a gun is held to your head or your family members head and you are told to rape someone, your choice was taken away. I don’t think I consider that rape.

 

[somerandomguy]

They would be both.

Both a rapist and a victim.
And a lot of unnameable things that make things difficult

This kind of thing can only be in the realm of imagination for me. I feel like I can't possibly understand what a person who's been through this has been through. I can't - and, honestly, I don't want to - understand the horrible things such a person must think about themselves following such an ordeal.

Nevertheless, I say with full conviction that a person forced to rape someone else is a victim, and not a perpetrator, no matter what they feel about themselves.

If a gun is held to your head or your family members head and you are told to rape someone, your choice was taken away. I don’t think I consider that rape.

Exactly.

I'll leave it at this, because arguing the point won't do anyone any good. I know other people's opinions don't hold much weight when it comes to one's own self and actions. But it's hard for me personally to see how there could be any blame on anyone forced to do (or even tricked into doing) anything they would never have done otherwise.

 

[Mee]

This kind of thing can only be in the realm of imagination for me. ...... But it's hard for me personally to see how there could be any blame on anyone forced to do (or even tricked into doing) anything they would never have done otherwise.

Ruthless edit. In appropriate place. If you want to discuss this then we could on my diary? Because I get this. Blame is wholly different from ‘acknowledgment’ or ‘responsibility’. There are things I do daily that cause harm. Things I haven’t worked out how to avoid yet - but I cannot pretend they don’t cause harm. I think for me this is part of the social conditioning that when it comes to gender and sexual assault I class- in a non gendered blaming issue as a term you aren’t keen on ‘rape culture’ and perhaps the failure of some people of BOTH genders to take responsibility for actions is more terrifying than that they happen. Big , big scary subjects. :/.

And yes- it’s horrid to live with. I did a core belief thread you helped a lot with. Still sits in there. I am not to BLAME for what happened- it still impacted her too, not just me.

 

[Ronin]

((I will make my own thread on this, likely, to not clutter Strangelongtrip's, when words are found and I'm less spazz.

Since looks talking about issues in Made To Do might be useful to at least Mee.))

ETA @Mee :tup: :hilarious: Great minds think alike.

 

[RoseyViolet]

I feel like this is both good and bad. I've gotten so much better, in that I can control my reactions to a triggering event surrounding rape/abuse/sexual assault. I don't fly off the handle anymore like I used to if conversation sways that way. I try to keep my opinions to myself to keep from triggering myself. But I still have things that make me have bad anxiety and panic attacks. I'm I guess two years gone from the last time someone assaulted me? Maybe close to three years. I'm not repeating patterns I was before (attracted to pushy people, attempt to "get sex over with" in order to not be assaulted which like...I didn't want that either), but I'm also not choosing anyone to get close enough to to have sex with. I have first dates and that's it. I don't date people. Every time I try I panic and push them away.

Recently with the death of yet another famous person who's also a rapist (and beloved...fun, love seeing them over every feed I have), I feel trapped again. I've been having panic attacks around people, ESPECIALLY in public or crowded venues. I'm having at least one panic attack a day now. I do my breathing exercises and I recover instead of running out and hyperventilating in a bathroom or the street (aka, my entire traditional college career). I can still sleep, which is good. I have healthy dreams. I just don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. And I'm so scared of being re-traumatized I doubt I'll ever have sex again. It doesn't seem possible to be in a relationship with sex for me. I got a book called the sexual healing journey but it feels a bit...anti-what-my-gender-and-sexual-orientation is. I could never get into it and I really have no desire to have sex again. I've never liked it but I've almost never been sober for it and I also felt forced most times. I just feel a little hopeless, like I need to withdraw from the world again. I've been pushing against the avoidance and panic by forcing myself out but that's not helping either. But if I just stay at home and do nothing I feel terrible too.

Another thing I'm thinking about....can you be a rapist and not a terrible person? Can that be a mistake you made? That terrifies me more than anything. I know most rapists are repeat offenders, and I know for a fact my abuser and the first person who raped me did it again because his next girlfriend contacted me. It's just like, can it be something you don't intend? I've had someone do something they didn't intend to do because of drugs and alcohol. I've had someone sexually assault me who was blackout drunk but the thing is, he felt guilty about it (but he was a crap human in other ways and now...a bouncer at a local bar so that's....effing fantastic...but he was also a good person).

I'm just not having a good time right now.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Trust me, you are not alone in your struggles. Have you considered consulting a counselor, more importantly one that specializes in counseling victims of sexual abuse? It could be very helpful if you have not. Additionally, I don't think you are alone when you make extreme statements like, "I never want to have sex again" this is very common for victims of sexual abuse and reveal extreme trust issues and fear of being used again. However, there are so many layers to it that one generalized statement may not be fully the solution to the whole problem, merely a quick fix type solution. I'd encourage you to seek out help and seek out help from others, perhaps a sexual abuse group therapy where you can hear stories of others who have been there and are seeking ideas on help. You are loved, you are cherished, you are more than your abuse. God created you and He loves you so so much. Please focus on healthy steps to gaining trust and a direction in life in relationships that you can trust and feel good about. There is life after sexual abuse! Our family struggled with this and it took taking a good hard look in the mirror of knowing I needed more help than the cycle of awful thoughts going on in my head to remedy it all. I prayed, asked Jesus to take my heart, take my pain and make me whole. He did! It was a journey, many cycles of change and healing but it did come and I am healed. There is hope my friend, it's found in Jesus Christ. Praying for you today.

 

[somerandomguy]

There is hope my friend, it's found in Jesus Christ.

Many of us here would disagree very strongly with this statement. We'd tell you there is hope, but it's in the human spirit. Human. Not metaphysics.

 

[tacit]

Hi, i agree with Friday's yes & no. It's good that you are getting on top of your symptoms, regardless of the degree. I found then i was more able to do the work on the root stuff. Which in turn reduced symptoms that then enabled to me to do more root work or go deeper, & so on & so on.

I understand the safe/unsafe people thing & i believe it is more of a root issue, at least it was for me.

Unfortunately no person is all good or all bad & we are all differing variations of the two. I know this makes it hard.

I asked a therapist once, why do i attract these kind of people & he said that he didn't believe i/we do. He said that it is more likely that because the treatment that i have experienced is so unbelievably bad, that when someone says or does something that others would take as an indicator to stay away from them, i don't see as such a big deal because i have known so much worse & therefore allow these people into & to stay in my life.

I found that it's not so much about recognising them (although there is that too), but more about the behaviours & treatment that i am willing to accept. In developing this, it has tended to weed them out anyway.

In raising my own standards though, it did cause stuff to come up. The more that came up though, the more that i could work through & then the more i could raise my standards, & so on.

Not knowing where you're at, the first step might be to just consider with your therapist where you could raise the bar or even what that would look like, before any consideration to holding people accountable to it, at all.

I think you're doing really well by the way.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @tacit that’s really helpful! And makes more logical sense than stuff about “attracting these people” which I see a lot in like new age stuff. Whenever I hit a boundary or create a new one I panic. I think it’s because I didn’t have them before and don’t think I deserve them. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll end up having so many boundaries up no one gets in and then I panic. I have so many things I’d like to enforce but I don’t.