Relationship Accidentally triggering girlfriend

[Clutzypartner]

Hi, I have never posted on any forum so please bear with me. My fiancée has ptsd from a lifetime of emotionally/physically abusive parents and boyfriends. I want so much to protect her and keep her safe and support her - so much. But I continue to trigger her PTSD with accidents. The last two examples: two days ago we were snuggling during the day and I moved my arm to reposition. Her hair was caught in the watchband and pulled when I moved. She freaked and started crying hysterically, calling me names and telling me how thoughtless I am. Last night in the middle of the night she was cold and asked me to cover her, I spread my blanket over her and my elbow grazed a bruise she had (unrelated) on her hip. She exploded, crying, and this morning she says she doesn’t feel safe around me anymore and is still crying.

There has been a history of similar incidents. We are both very active and she has random bruises or similar a lot of the time from those activities. A year ago i first triggered when on two different occurrences I swung my arm on my sleep during a dream and startled her (not ”hitting” her per say). One time we were making love and my hand ran over the same bruised hip and the same reactions of pushing me away and crying.
I’m at a loss. I understand that she has a condition that I can’t understand, and that’s ok. I just want her to feel safe, supported, loved, and I’m not sure how to completely avoid ever accidentally triggering her without totally removing myself from her physical space.
If anyone has similar experience or advice on this one I would very much appreciate guidance. Thank you in advance

 

[bellbird]

Welcome to the forums!

It sounds like the times you've triggered her have been completely unintentional and accidental on your part.

I just want to validate you in the sense that you haven't done anything wrong.

I’m not sure how to completely avoid ever accidentally triggering her

This isn't possible.
The thing about triggers is that even though a lot of them you can avoid setting off, there are so many often very niche triggers that will only be realised when they're set off accidentally.

-- we don't do trigger warnings here just due to the sheer range of triggers there are (two of my weirdest, for instance: runny yolk on a fried egg, and eating green kiwifruit that have been in the fridge).


Is your fiancée in therapy? That could really help her with emotional regulation to reduce the intensity and duration of reactions to triggers.

I have PTSD, and there have been times where my boyfriend has unintentionally triggered me.
I know he feels so bad when it happens, but I try really hard to reassure him after that it wasn't his fault. It's not fair on him otherwise.

 

[Clutzypartner]

Thank you for the reply and I appreciate the validation. She is not in therapy, everything has intensified deeply the last two months after some issues with her family. She mentioned a couple days ago that she wanted to find a therapist, but honestly I am scared to suggest it. I feel it needs to be her decision and search for the right one, although of course the masculine in me wants to find a list of the best therapists in the world and lay it out for her.

We are to the point now that she does think it’s my fault. For being clumsy, for not thinking about what I am doing, for moving too quickly, and generally for not being sensitive enough to her triggers (primarily physical related it seems). I’m reading and researching but at a bit of a loss on how to proceed. I hope she will talk to a therapist and I hope so much that I can avoid a clumsy action that triggers her. It sounds like I should announce any movements that involve touching her - this I can do. And avoid surprising her, announcing when I’m coming into the room etc. This I can do as well. I love her so strongly and only want to be here for her, to be her rock and make her feel safe, but it seems I’m doing the opposite.

 

[Sweetpea76]

First of all, you’re not triggering her... she is being triggered. It’s happening in her head. She is the one responsible for how she reacts to things.

Do not feel guilty or responsible. Everything is going to be your fault forever if you set this standard.

 

[Clutzypartner]

It’s true what you say, but not in her eyes. And there is no way I know to make her see that. And I understand that she could see it always as me triggering. I agree, it’s not a standard I want to set - but what option do I have but apologize and sympathize and try to be more careful?

 

[Mee]

You can have boundaries that protect you from hurting her too. Eg , if she is bruised from sports etc, that’s might be a time not to have PIV sex - To avoid inevitable touching? It’s ok , and even healthy for us as sufferers to have boundaries our supporters will not cross even if they frustrate us too!

 

[DharmaGirl]

You could suggest this website. She wouldn't know you posted here, just tell her you were looking for ways to avoid triggering her and came across this website. I find that there are many people who believe that PTSD gives them the right to act out and blame. Not true! A stranger triggered me last week by getting out of his car, but I didn't run up to him and chastise his behavior. Well, I was running away at the time, but the point is, no matter who or what triggers me, I don't blame people or demand they change their behavior. I try to change mine.

I have a better example. I go to my elderly mom and stepdad's house on a monthly basis. I'm triggered by the TV being on something like CNN and being loud. I told them it triggers me to explain why I don't sit with them in the living room while they watch it. Sadly, the TV is on 24/7, literally, since my stepdad sleeps in his recliner and just mutes it at night. I frequently have to take breaks from the loud TV when I'm up there for the week. They understand why I do that, but the responsibility to regulate myself is mine.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I know you’re getting a lot of advice here from sufferers, and their advice is usually pretty good. However in this case I think a supporter perspective is more helpful.

Seriously, you are setting yourself up for misery. Total misery.

It’s true what you say, but not in her eyes.

Just because she thinks it’s true doesn’t make it true. She has a mental health issue, and this is part of it. Why would you encourage her distorted thinking? Are you dangerous? Are you doing anything out of the absolute normal? You moved your arm. Your watchband caught her hair. You’re just living everyday life.

She can’t help being triggered, but she doesn’t get to spread the misery around. Instead of dealing, she’s blameshifting... *You did this TO me”... for things like accidentally touching her while making consensual love. Seriously. Why apologize for moving your arm unless moving your arm was a malicious act? You’re basically validating that you’re dangerous and you did it on purpose.

It’s a lot easier for her to blame you for “triggering her” than for her to work on managing HER reactions when SHE is triggered.

I can’t stress this enough... unless you know her specific triggers, and you are purposely and maliciously jumping out and exposing her to them, you ARE NOT “triggering her”. She is being triggered.

what option do I have but apologize and sympathize and try to be more careful?

You’re going to be walking on eggshells forever like this. There is absolutely no way you can be careful enough to avoid triggering her. You could vacuum seal yourself in plastic and not move off the couch... and she’ll end up triggered by the plastic or something. There is no way of knowing what’s going to trigger her.

I’ve been with my partner almost 8 years. I know probably half his triggers, if I’m lucky.

By all means, be sympathetic. It’s not her fault if she is triggered, that’s part of PTSD. It takes a lot of time, healing and hard work to manage triggers.... her time, healing, and hard work. You cannot take any kind of responsibility for managing her triggers for her. She has to do that on her own. You taking the blame for everything is not helping that process.

I show sympathy by saying something like “I’m so sorry you feel bad” or “I hate that you’re hurting so much baby”. I comfort, support, listen, and help him as much as possible during the reaction. However I refuse to take responsibility for “triggering” him. I am mindful of his known triggers, but I can’t clear a path for him. It’s not the world’s job to adjust to him, it’s his job to adjust to the world.

You have to set and consistently enforce boundaries when you are the supporting partner in a PTSD relationship. You will be steamrolled if not, and the relationship will end up codependent, toxic and miserable.

 

[DharmaGirl]

However I refuse to take responsibility for “triggering” him.

YES!! This was the point I was trying to make!

 

[Joenot1368]

I am in the middle of a nightmare. My PTSD Fiancé walked away smack in the middle of a crisis I was having due to a job loss. Finding this board has been a huge help. This is my first go round trying to be a PTSD supporter. What do you do when they don’t want your support and actually blame you for the trigger? Heartbreak

 

[Sweetpea76]

What do you do when they don’t want your support and actually blame you for the trigger? Heartbreak

What can you do if somebody breaks up with you? Nothing. It only takes one to end a relationship, even if the other person doesn’t want it to end. It doesn’t have to be logical or reasonable. Anybody can walk away at any time for any reason. You make yourself vulnerable to the possibility of this kind of hurt when you love somebody. That’s why breakups suck so much. It hurts, and you have to grieve.

As far as the whole triggering thing... You can apologize and grovel for them to stay or come back, but what good is that going to do? Even if they come back, it’ll just happen again in another week because you’re the designated asshole now. You’ve spent a significant amount of energy taking the blame and telling her you’ll never do it again. She’s not symptomatic! It’s YOU that’s the problem! You even admit you’re the problem! Then before you know it, here comes the next melt down and break up.

Is that the kind of life you want? That’s crazymaking. I mean, is being the whipping boy going to be good for either of you guys or your respective mental healths?

I’ll support and be empathetic. I’ll be patient, faithful, and understanding. I love him to pieces, but I will not take responsibility for his mental health. I also will not sacrifice my own mental health or happiness for a relationship. That isn’t love. Anybody who expects that doesn’t love you.

You can’t fix people, but you can save yourself.

 

[Friday]

@Clutzypartner I wasn’t going to post this... as it’s already been said, and far better, but since it sounds like you need a bit of extra assurance?

TLDR
1. It’s not your fault.
2. It’s REALLY not your fault.
3. Read with me again... Not. Your. Fault.

You didn’t trigger her. SHE was triggered.

It’s a very very important distinction.

As long as she blames you for her reactions, and you accept the blame for her reactions? You’re heading down the express route for being in a abusive relationship, with her cast in the role of abuser, and you desperately attempting not to set her off (impossible task), & being punished for setting her off. I’m sure neither of you want that. But it’s where you’re heading.

1. A trigger, by definition, is overreacting. It’s responding to things in the present AS IF they’re things that happened in the past. That’s her body reacting to something that happened a long time ago. Not reacting to something you’re doing.

2. She’s reacting as if you’re abusing her, when you’re not abusing her.

3. It’s a normal-good-person-thing that when we do something that deeply upsets someone else, to attempt not to do that. Cause+Effect. And in normal life? It’s a good rule of thumb. From the beginning of learning empathy “Don’t hit Tommy in the head with your toy truck... it doesn’t hurt you, but it hurts him!” all the way up to being a grownup in relationships a lot more complex than toddler property laws ;) Where one runs into difficulty, however, is when either values don’t line up, or when one person is overreacting. Like smashing your head against the table, because the broccoli was cold... or having panic attacks or rage storms because you touched their hip when moving the blanket. Understanding WHY they’re upset is different from being responsible for their upset. Whether it’s cold broccoli or a trigger. It’s not your fault they’re getting upset, and if they’re overreacting that’s ALSO not your fault. That’s on them.

***
Technically speaking, I have combatPTSD. That’s where my story started, and where my reactions to things seem to have hardwired. But I added a few other things into my repertoire over the years, including an abusive marriage. And lemmetellya, it is complicated as f*ck figuring out where the line is between making excuses for abusive behaviour, and responding to normal behavior as if it’s abusive.

The thing about abuse is that it’s very much like a frog boiling in water. If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water? It jumps out. Because it’s not stupid, that’s hot! But turn the heat up slowly, and the frog acclimates. By the time it realizes something is wrong, it’s too cooked to jump.

In normal relationships? We cut the people we care about some slack. Everyone has bad days. That’s normal/healthy. The problem with abusive relationships is that exact same process is in play. A normal, healthy, human process. Becomes a sick, unhealthy, terrible situation.

Figuring out where that line is? Once you’ve already crossed it? Is damn difficult. Fofuring out where the line is between Normal-Cutting Slack-Abuse? Is NOT helped by someone else saying/agreeing that normal stuff is abusive.

So not only are you in an increasingly dangerous position, but you’re not helping her, either. It’s reeeeeally a no-win situation when someone who is triggered is blame shifting their trigger onto another person, and they accept that like it’s the truth.

It’s HARD to go against your instincts and try not to cause+effect=guilt when the person you love is triggered. But if you can’t do it? It’s just going to make her sicker. Like giving an alcoholic a drink, it doesn’t matter that’s what she wants. You KNOW the reality. Stick to it. If not for your own sake? (And I really hope you value yourself enough to do so for your own sake). Then because her reality has cracks in it thay need mending. Not widened breaks, and victim turned abuser, because she can’t see that normal life doesn’t rate the response she’s having. Smashing someone’s face into a table is totally reasonable and justified if they’re trying to kill you, but it’s abusive as f*ck if it’s because the broccoli is cold.