Hi,
I'm not sure how this works. But I guess it's nice to have anyone to talk to about this. Outside of my therapist.
I am now 32 years old. When I was 12, just entering 7th grade, a neighbor coerced me into his home at night and touched me in places. He also coerced me into performing oral sex on him and made comments on how under developed I was. I confessed to one of my old school friends how it made me feel. He said that our age difference wasn't that great, so it wasn't a problem. I had just left 6th grade a few months prior; I turned 12 in May and this occurred in the beginning of the school year. I didn't begin puberty until I turned 13 the following year. I just wanted to see what it was like to kiss a boy (he never kissed me btw, he only touched me, and it wasn't to arouse me).
The neighbor was 16 and a sophomore in high school. He was around 5'10 and 180 lbs and fully mature. His younger brother in my grade spied on us and told everyone at school. So starting from age 12 for the rest of my school years and after high school, I was called derogatory names behind my back and had a tainted reputation. I was generally liked, but people still said pretty awful things behind my back and there were a lot of rumors. (my school district was zoned so I was never able to escape the same group of students). I attempted suicide when I was 17.
Until recently, I thought it had only been maybe twice, but now I realize it was countless times.
I knew nothing about sex, touching, kissing, I never spoke about sexuality with my friends or displayed sexual behavior. I was a pretty innocent 12 year old. I had crushes and a "boyfriend" I only spoke to on the phone over the summer.
Now in my adulthood, I have suffered through depression, suicidal thoughts, I have an autoimmune disease, I constantly move away to get away from my old city. I went through destructive behavior. It wasn't law breaking or anything, but I would drop in and out of college, withdraw from classes just move somewhere else etc). I have a tendency to avoid people and distance myself from social situations.
After an event at the house of my ex-boyfriend who was narcissistic, controlling and emotionally abusive, I was humiliated by him and another girl.
It happened 6 months ago, but I still cry about the shame and humiliation. I have no friends, I don't go out and I have nobody I can really talk to without feeling judged. I can not get over the event 6 months ago no hard I try.
I feel like I hate who I am and I can't live with myself because what happened when I was 12 seemed to have a larger effect on my psyche that I realized. I can't change the past but I can't handle not being able to. I can't go back and excel at school or have had a better childhood or adolescent experience and can't change what happened with my ex boyfriend bc if we had resolved things it would've made me feel better. But why does it hurt so bad? Why am I so depressed although I'm on medication and going through therapy etc. I still experience suicide ideation and I struggle a lot.
Was my friend right? Was 12 mature enough to make that decision?
Is my friend right? Was this okay?
I know this is long, but I don't really know what else to do
I'm not sure how this works. But I guess it's nice to have anyone to talk to about this. Outside of my therapist.
I am now 32 years old. When I was 12, just entering 7th grade, a neighbor coerced me into his home at night and touched me in places. He also coerced me into performing oral sex on him and made comments on how under developed I was. I confessed to one of my old school friends how it made me feel. He said that our age difference wasn't that great, so it wasn't a problem. I had just left 6th grade a few months prior; I turned 12 in May and this occurred in the beginning of the school year. I didn't begin puberty until I turned 13 the following year. I just wanted to see what it was like to kiss a boy (he never kissed me btw, he only touched me, and it wasn't to arouse me).
The neighbor was 16 and a sophomore in high school. He was around 5'10 and 180 lbs and fully mature. His younger brother in my grade spied on us and told everyone at school. So starting from age 12 for the rest of my school years and after high school, I was called derogatory names behind my back and had a tainted reputation. I was generally liked, but people still said pretty awful things behind my back and there were a lot of rumors. (my school district was zoned so I was never able to escape the same group of students). I attempted suicide when I was 17.
Until recently, I thought it had only been maybe twice, but now I realize it was countless times.
I knew nothing about sex, touching, kissing, I never spoke about sexuality with my friends or displayed sexual behavior. I was a pretty innocent 12 year old. I had crushes and a "boyfriend" I only spoke to on the phone over the summer.
Now in my adulthood, I have suffered through depression, suicidal thoughts, I have an autoimmune disease, I constantly move away to get away from my old city. I went through destructive behavior. It wasn't law breaking or anything, but I would drop in and out of college, withdraw from classes just move somewhere else etc). I have a tendency to avoid people and distance myself from social situations.
After an event at the house of my ex-boyfriend who was narcissistic, controlling and emotionally abusive, I was humiliated by him and another girl.
It happened 6 months ago, but I still cry about the shame and humiliation. I have no friends, I don't go out and I have nobody I can really talk to without feeling judged. I can not get over the event 6 months ago no hard I try.
I feel like I hate who I am and I can't live with myself because what happened when I was 12 seemed to have a larger effect on my psyche that I realized. I can't change the past but I can't handle not being able to. I can't go back and excel at school or have had a better childhood or adolescent experience and can't change what happened with my ex boyfriend bc if we had resolved things it would've made me feel better. But why does it hurt so bad? Why am I so depressed although I'm on medication and going through therapy etc. I still experience suicide ideation and I struggle a lot.
Was my friend right? Was 12 mature enough to make that decision?
Is my friend right? Was this okay?
I know this is long, but I don't really know what else to do