Having a memory and then forgetting that memory?

[Movingforward10]

I'm confused. Am I constantly remembering and then forgetting (disassociating?) Again?

In all other aspects of my life, save for my trauma, I have good memory. I'm organised. All work things are held in my mind. Other people's stories: held in my mind. Etc etc etc.

But:
I wrote down some of my trauma over Christmas 2019 (so only a few months ago), as I read somewhere this was helpful. I then showed it to my partner because I couldn't use the words to tell her.
I never re-read it until a few days ago.
Anyway: scroll on to my session with my T two weeks ago. I go into *a lot* of detail about my rape, what I remember and what I don't. I say I *think* this is the first time I have ever spoken about this or told anyone.
But then I re-read what I wrote over Christmas. And in there, I write more than I remember now. So I did 'tell' my partner before my T. And in there, I remember him asking me if I had sex before, as I've written that down. I don't remember that at all now. Nothing. wracking my brain for that memory.
But I clearly remembered then?

The problem with this is that not remembering feeds into my negative parental narrative that I'm lying and am making this up.
So it's very unsettling for me and I'm trying hard to believe that I remembered that then and I just don't remember it now because: trauma is a b*tch.
The narrative I'm being dragged to is: I'm a liar.

Help?!
Can we re-remember and then re-forget?

I suppose I need to "let go".

 

[Ireusa]

Dissociation makes it hard to remember things for me as well.

 

[osiris]

Hey @Movingforward10

Sorry you’re going through this. For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re lying about any of it, and that’s a narrative to hit on the head.

I reckon it stands to reason that if your brain tried to save you from remembering all the trauma before, it’s sure as hell going to try to save you again.

Sending you peaceful thoughts and reminding you you’re not alone.

 

[DharmaGirl]

This isn't unusual when you are trying to confront your trauma. I don't remember whole sessions of therapy, and I was constantly forgetting a lot. You are moving through it now. It's a tough process but as long as you keep going, you will improve.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thank you @Ireusa, @osiris and @DharmaGirl, I appreciate your words.

Sorry you’re going through this. For what it’s worth I don’t think you’re lying about any of it, and that’s a narrative to hit on the head

Yeah, am trying so hard to hit this on the head......

 

[knuckles]

I have remembered various memories and then forgotten them again - and later re-remembered them.

I think there are different "versions" of it, but one I can somewhat recall is about the memory of a physical issue. From believing it was a non-issue for me, and remembering telling someone that, to later experiencing the exact physical thing and then thinking "oh... I *know* this". Suddenly being able to recall other times it has happened and recalling how it varied slightly at other times. But when I'm not "there", it seems it hasn't happened at all.
Something similar has happened with cognitive memories, but I can't quite recall how the "re-remembering" happened, or what it looked like. At times I have tried going down "the path", following vague trails of fragments of memories to see where it leads. It always ends with a part of me pushing me off the path (so to speak), leaving me kinda baffled and wondering what it was I was thinking about.
The mind has its quirky ways of keeping us "safe".

 

[Movingforward10]

are different "versions" of it, but one I can somewhat recall is about the memory of a physical issue. From believing it was a non-issue for me, and remembering telling someone that, to later experiencing the exact physical thing and then thinking "oh... I *know* this". Suddenly being able to recall other times it has happened and recalling how it varied slightly at other times. But when I'm not "there", it seems it hasn't happened at all.
Something similar has happened with cognitive memories, but I can't quite recall how the "re-remembering" happened, or what it looked like. At times I have tried going down "the path", following vague trails of fragments of memories to see where it leads. It always ends with a part of me pushing me off the path (so to speak), leaving me kinda baffled and wondering what it was I was thinking about.
The mind has its quirky ways of keeping us "safe".

Yeah, this makes sense. This feeling of knowing something even though it seems new, but not new. That continues to blow my mind.

I'm trying to work on trusting me more. So hard to keep battling myself. It's wearing me down.

 

[Woodsforthetrees]

I'm having this a lot right now. It's incredibly frustrating and upsetting. I try and be patient with myself. I've had a few memories that were coming and going and then at some point I felt them differently and they sort of stayed. I think it's part of the process but a deeply unsettling part.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm having this a lot right now. It's incredibly frustrating and upsetting. I try and be patient with myself. I've had a few memories that were coming and going and then at some point I felt them differently and they sort of stayed. I think it's part of the process but a deeply unsettling part.

That's interesting Woodsforthetrees. Do you mind me asking what happened to feel then differently so that help them stay?

 

[Woodsforthetrees]

I'm not really sure. I think it was trying things together. I've been looking at the SIBAM model and I think I introduced an element of meaning in a way that I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge. I don't think this would have happened without therapy as it was always much easier to blame myself and see the memory through the narrative my abuser had created for me. It feels like the quality in the difference between seeing and noticing or listening and hearing but in a memory form. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

 

[Justmehere]

The narrative I'm being dragged to is: I'm a liar.

How about a new narrative?

Dissociation is a maladaptive way of coping. It's a way to reduce overwhelming pain. If you were lying, no need for the dissociation. When you have enough tools on board to cope, you won't need the dissociation as much. I suggest caution about trying to dig up the memory. Instead, build up your toolbox - part of which can be learning new ways of framing things that is less harsh on yourself.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm not really sure. I think it was trying things together. I've been looking at the SIBAM model and I think I introduced an element of meaning in a way that I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge. I don't think this would have happened without therapy as it was always much easier to blame myself and see the memory through the narrative my abuser had created for me. It feels like the quality in the difference between seeing and noticing or listening and hearing but in a memory form. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

Thanks. I'll look up that model. That does make sense. I feel like the knowing is in me somewhere: it's just trying to find it.

How about a new narrative?

Dissociation is a maladaptive way of coping. It's a way to reduce overwhelming pain. If you were lying, no need for the dissociation. When you have enough tools on board to cope, you won't need the dissociation as much. I suggest caution about trying to dig up the memory. Instead, build up your toolbox - part of which can be learning new ways of framing things that is less harsh on yourself.

Thanks. That helps too. I like reframing things, it always helps. I'm trying to move away from this desperate need to remember as 'proof', and move more to trusting me on what I already know. All tough stuff!