Thank you very much for all your answers. It blows my mind how many kind people are here and how many answers came in. You helped me to get grounded for a while and stop catastrophizing. I am also glad that nobody here seems to believe that this is something that cannot be worked on.
Why does it make you so mad if the therapist thinks you have PTSD? I have almost forbidden my therapist from using the word trauma in session.
I don’t think at all that he will quit or be mad. This stuff you wrote here and what will happen next is therapy “gold”. I know it’s hard but I am hopefully that you’ll get through the discomfort and into growth.
Thank you for your kind words. I liked the idea of therapy "gold". What made me so mad? I don't know. I am not denying I had trauma and I am not denying it had consequences, but something about him giving me the diagnoses after such a long time of work triggered me. We have been talking few times about it and it took more than a month until I stopped fighting it and fighting my T. It was the worst crisis I ever had during our work. And that's what triggered me in the last session - after having had this huge conflict, I asked about hypervigilance. Just wanted to know whether it's more of a cognitive thing or whether anxiety is a part of the construct. And without any invitation from my side, he brought up that it was one of the core symptoms of ptsd. And I felt just super betrayed that he brought the diagnosis in again and the rest of the session felt like I was pressed into saying yes T., I agree and I accept having ptsd. I was just sitting there defeated, giving shoulder shrugs as answer to anything and staring on the floor and counting minutes until the session ends. I also hated how he was talking to me at that session, it just created a bigger gap and wasn't what I was used to.
Wanting to have the conversation during a session isn't much of a boundary. Some therapists don't even do emails. (Although I'm glad mine does.) Some stuff is best sorted out in person.
Seems like he pointed that out in a pretty non-judgemental way. I guess I have two thoughts (and neither of them is that he was harsh.) First, I think I was pretty young when I figured out you shouldn't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to. Which means, to me, once you ask a question, you're kind of obligated to listen to the answer. Second, it might be worth wondering why you reacted to his reply as strongly as you did. That's a point for starting a conversation, nothing more or less.
As far as quitting goes..... my own philosophy on that is that the more wanting to quit is a reaction to something that comes up in therapy the more that suggests it's the wrong time to quit. You can quit anytime. But quitting isn't likely to solve any problems if it comes from a place of wanting to not hear a message. If your therapist is good at their job, it makes more sense to ride things out and see where it takes you, (I usually end up looking at this as "an experiment" because my usual go to tactic is to leave and I KNOW how THAT works.)
One other thought. Some people use the threat of leaving or quitting as a way to manipulate other people. In a variety of relationships this can happen. Not saying that's what you're doing, but I can see where a therapist would want to be pretty careful not to go down that road. You're free to quit, but you're also free to work through stuff and that's probably going to be the plan that benefits you most in the long run.
You brought up few good points. We always did emails, at least he always was tolerating my writing it. So getting a boundary in this sense was very new and out of how he usually communicates. That's what made it scary. Then, the part with me asking a question. First time, months ago, yes, I asked what he thought I had and he answered and that's my responsibility. As you say, don't ask if you don't want the answer. But last time I didn't ask about ptsd and didn't invite him to discuss it. I only asked about hypervigilance and it was a straight forward question. The ptsd element is what he brought up. Thinking about it, my asking about hypervigilance was either my pushing myself into slowly opening to the idea of the diagnosis and check one symptom, gaining information about whether it fits my subjective experience, my way of taking it one step at a time, but his bringing it up destroyed my willingness to go there again. Second assumption is that it may have been and unconscious testing - bringing it up and see whether he stays within what I ask for or will grab the topic he knows has potential to upset me. In both cases, the outcome wasn't good. I just feel humiliated and stupid and have loss of trust.
About quitting, I have always been open when I noticed fantasies about quitting. I would bring it up in a session and we would talk about it, but it was always clear that it was only a fantasy. This was the first time ever that I indicated feeling like never coming back and it was the first session after more than 1,5 years of work that I cancelled. I never threatened to leave and I wouldn't have written it if I haven't meant it. I am getting a sense of him not believing how bad this really is, maybe seeing it as empty threats. I am still not sure what will happen tomorrow. Maybe he underestimates my composure, but things are getting so difficult we definitely either have to change the course or make a break or quit.
I'm not sure why you viewed this as harsh. Can you say a little more?
I used to be a mess between therapy sessions. We were going too fast, so once we discussed how I felt and how I had trouble functioning, we slowed down and it got much better. Maybe you could talk about the pace of your sessions with him?
Thank you very much for this. Exactly this is happening, we seem to go too fast, I just can't take this pace. I am so relieved to read that I'm not the only one that is a mess between the sessions..
I viewed the reply as harsh because there was zero compassion or validation, not even a simple thank you for sharing that, whatever. And the very first sentence was that thing that this was not the second time I asked a question and became undone by the answer. And the next sentence was about him not wishing to discuss this any further via email. It was just so weirdly written and I just thought "ok, so now I got him to his limit". I was also disagreeing with this being the second time - as I said, I didn't ask and in my email there were other things I was unhappy with. A difficult position for me - feeling I was treated unfairly in the session, but my T disagreeing, claiming it's me and it's an old story. Not very encouraging. But as you all mention, yeah, discussing it through is the way. If I will be able to talk at all tomorrow. I see myself staring into space for the whole session.
Hi
@DodoBird ,sorry it is so tough right now.
.I agree with the other responses.
I totally and utterly get why the email response has made you feel like that. I freak the f out over email with my T. And digest every single thing my T says in therapy. What she says. How she says it. Why she says it. And then I am highly skilled at making it all into trauma responses and *absolute proof* that she doesn't care about me, she is lying, she is telling me off, she will be laughing at me etc etc etc. Essentially: that she will treat me in an abusive way and replicate what I have previously known. But: that is in my head! (And a symptom of PTSD?).
Thank you so much! Yes, this totally fits to what I'm doing. It's very encouraging to read that you have been there too and that things will be fine.
People setting boundaries with you in the past has probably often led to some pretty traumatic outcomes. If that's the case, it would make sense to me that him setting a clear boundary with you would scare you. So, be gentle with yourself - boundaries are scary. This situation feels frightening.
Even though it's frightening, one of the reeeally useful things Ts can do for us is give us practice and lived experience with healthy relationships and communication.
But your T has told you in the past that you can trust him with situations just like this one. As scary as that might be? I reckon you should give him a chance. If he comes good, and does talk it through with you? How good would that be, right? More evidence that this is someone who will tell you where the boundaries are, and you can actually trust them.
That first paragraph was an eye-opener, thank you. Never thought of it this way, but you are right, this is why it is so scary. I am so afraid of people getting cross with me, it's paralyzing. Thank you for the validation. You are right. My T tried to tell me in the past that anger is normal and that we can have a relationship even when we get upset sometimes. I never realized that the interpersonal component in this is so huge and can make things so difficult.
Thank you again for your kind support.
